ADHD!! What would you do??

Ignoring the fact that you think ADHD is something wrong, would you not take him for an xray with a suspected broken arm? It’s totally normal in medical terms to consider ‘it might be X but we should get it checked out’ - no need to shield children when it involves them. I took my DD to the out of hours when she was 4 because she might have had a urine infection. She was fully involved and had everything explained to her throughout, and she understood the wee test was to find out if she did or not. No different.

I don’t understand your mindset OP?

Surely it’s better to prepare your DS so he has an understanding of the terms and what a diagnosis might mean for him, than to drop it on him out the blue prior to his assessment?

He’s already being taught in a smaller separate group with other children who may have already been diagnosed so he’s not wrong to question why he’s been put in this group and his teacher answered him in good faith.

My DS (16) has Autism and was diagnosed at secondary school when he was 14. It’s been really useful to him to have received a diagnosis and extra support at school for his exams etc. He’s very academic so primary school were only aware of his difficulties from having Dyspraxia and not much allowance was made for that.

I agree with his teacher here, I would've done the same thing

Why am I different?

ADHD.

you have brain problems. Don’t blame yourself

this is not the right approach

I think the context you gave around him questioning why he was doing something different makes it ok to share a reason.

I think ideally she could have been a bit vaguer saying we've noticed that you need some support in these areas (whatever its supposed to support) and said something like often people with adhd need this support, but there are also other reasons someine might need help to x, y z.

But thats easy to say when not put on the spot by a question I guess.

I actually am in agreement eith you that saying he is on a pathway go look at adhd which coukd take years coukd be very stressful for him.

TBH I think as long as it wasn't done in a negative way then there's nothing to be upset about - teachers supporting children with ADHD is hard enough to find as it is without nitpicking about details.

I think I would just be honest with him and say something like I don't know much about it either,but it's something we're looking into to find out if it might be part of what's making it so hard for you. If it is, then knowing about it might help us find strategies which can help you.

OP, what would you have liked her to say in response to that direct question?

For what it's worth, DS (who is 5) likely has ADHD and we've told him about it and a little about why we think he might have it. Diagnosis is probably several years away, but school have started putting things in place for him. Having support and accommodations allows him to learn and succeed instead of hating school.

I think at his age it’s best to be honest. My child’s school suggested asd. I gave my child the option for the assessment. I didn’t rush into it I waited until late primary for them to decide. It was suggested much earlier. I think if you don’t make it a big deal maybe it will be easier for him to understand who he is.

She only said he ‘might’ have it though. She didn’t say anything that was incorrect or contentious imo. I think her response was perfect - age appropriate and no fuss. It’s part of her professional duty to deal with children in a transparent and nurturing way. If she had lied or obfuscated that might have left her open to all sorts of issues later on.

How strange you haven’t told him! Very normal for it to be spoken about, in reality she thinks he either had ADHD or your parenting skills are lacking.

Wow. I wouldn't be 'fuming' per se, but how I responded overall would be dictated by the response of the teacher/school.

I'd arrange a meeting and explain that you hadn't told DS yet and were waiting until the assessment had taken place, and explain that the teacher should have checked first with parents before discussing something with a child they might or might not have. If they were apologetic and seemed to take it on board to be more careful in the future I'd be fine with that. If they were defensive though or didn't accept that they'd made an error, I would be much more concernd.

Does any child not get told they might have ADHD these days?

Telling him he might have ADHD is pretty normal for a kid of his age on the pathway though.

Have you looked into Choose and Book?

I think it would be good to tell the school what they can and can't tell him, if he's as bright as you say. Kids know when someone's obfuscating.

I completely disagree with this. He's old enough for you to treat him respectfully and explain what he's having an assessment for. How do you plan to explain it otherwise?

I think your son finding out at an assessment would be so much worse. You might find he feels relief to know that it’s being looked into to see if there is a reason he finds things much harder and feels validated that his parents are supportive by doing this.

She was just being straight with him. If as a 9 year old he’s old enough and aware enough to ask the question then she’s respected him enough to answer his concern. I’m more concerned about why you want to keep him
ignorant - ADHD or ADHD traits are nothing to be ashamed of and the sooner everyone is aware, the better. What would you have wanted her to say?

My children are both Autistic and have ADHD.
They are 7.5 (twins!).
I have been (in an age appropriate and individual way, tailored to each child) been occasionally talking about Neurodivergence with them since late preschool.
I think it does children a massive disservice NOT to discuss it with them, although I appreciate that wouldn't be every parent's stance.