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AIBU?

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Original poster

ADHD!! What would you do??

110 replies

justabitnuts · 22/10/2025 16:00

Me and my partner have been communicating with the school and my ds9 is on waiting to be assessed for ADHD.
We have not told him, I don’t know if this is the right thing to do, but we feel as a family it would be best to wait for the assessment and then tell him if he does or not,
he came home today asking me if I have heard or “ADHD” I said yes and asked him why, he replied “the teacher said I might have it.
iv had to have a quick conversation with him that I am not ready or prepared for, before I go off to work…
now, I understand she might not know we haven't told him, however aibu to be absolutely fuming? Would you be?

OP posts:
MrsBennetsPoorNervesAreBack · 23/10/2025 16:21

ohyesido · 23/10/2025 16:14

And if he doesn’t have it?

I feel like too many agencies are quick to assume ADHD before the relevant tests have been completed. It’s not about behavioural issues or refusal to do as instructed

Show quote history

If he doesn't have it, then I guess they would need to start exploring alternative explanations for the things that he struggles with.

MrsBennetsPoorNervesAreBack · 23/10/2025 16:20

justabitnuts · 23/10/2025 16:13

I totally agree, he does need to be assessed, and if he has got it, he definitely needs to know, and I am so happy the school are supportive, however I don’t think saying your might have it, and then waiting for ages to actually find out, would benefit him, I also did not want him to find out the way he did.
i wanted to explain it to him, when I understood more about it, in a way I knew he would be good with.

Edited

But the school is already making adjustments for him, as they are legally required to do when they have identified a suspected disability. Surely it was inevitable that your bright little boy would query this at some point?

And yes, it's possible that he could have been fobbed off for a while with the non-explanation that his brain just works a bit differently, but I'm not sure how that's better or worse, really, than telling him that he might have adhd. The point is that he will already know that he is different. I can't see any real benefit in denying him the language and the understanding to be able to talk about that.

samones · 23/10/2025 16:16

ohyesido · 23/10/2025 16:14

And if he doesn’t have it?

I feel like too many agencies are quick to assume ADHD before the relevant tests have been completed. It’s not about behavioural issues or refusal to do as instructed

Show quote history

No different to ‘your x ray is clear, your arm isn’t broken’ or ‘blood test is fine, nothing to worry about’

ohyesido · 23/10/2025 16:14

samones · 23/10/2025 16:11

i mean this applies to most medical situations u til an assessment/tests take place. It’s fine to discuss and consider why this is happening.

Show quote history

And if he doesn’t have it?

I feel like too many agencies are quick to assume ADHD before the relevant tests have been completed. It’s not about behavioural issues or refusal to do as instructed

Original poster
justabitnuts · 23/10/2025 16:13

I totally agree, he does need to be assessed, and if he has got it, he definitely needs to know, and I am so happy the school are supportive, however I don’t think saying your might have it, and then waiting for ages to actually find out, would benefit him, I also did not want him to find out the way he did.
i wanted to explain it to him, when I understood more about it, in a way I knew he would be good with.

OP posts:
samones · 23/10/2025 16:11

ohyesido · 23/10/2025 15:55

Then he doesn’t have it and it shouldn’t be bandied about until he has been diagnosed

Show quote history

i mean this applies to most medical situations u til an assessment/tests take place. It’s fine to discuss and consider why this is happening.

samones · 23/10/2025 16:10

ohyesido · 23/10/2025 15:55

Then he doesn’t have it and it shouldn’t be bandied about until he has been diagnosed

Show quote history

i mean this applies to most medical situations u til an assessment/tests take place. It’s fine to discuss and consider why this is happening.

MrsBennetsPoorNervesAreBack · 23/10/2025 16:09

justabitnuts · 23/10/2025 16:05

The school have mentioned he can not keep still, gets distracted, he gets distracted very quickly, is impatient, his handwriting.
i don’t know if he does or not, I was going to read and watch some documentary’s about it, before I told him, just so I can understand a bit more,
honestly, I thought because of Covid, he didn’t go to preschool, and he didn’t do reception, he may just be a bit behind with behaviours in the classroom,
maybe I’m in denial, I don’t know.

Show quote history

All of the children in his cohort will have missed out on stuff because of covid. If his teachers have identified difficulties that aren't reflected in his peers, then it makes sense for these to be investigated.

Bleeuurrgghhh · 23/10/2025 16:08

MrsBennetsPoorNervesAreBack · 23/10/2025 16:01

OP, does this have more to do with your own anxiety about your ds's potential adhd?

As someone who was diagnosed with adhd as an adult, after years of wondering what the fuck was wrong with me, I don't really understand the rationale behind not telling him tbh. You said he is bright, so surely he is capable of understanding that you and his teachers can't diagnose him?

It might actually be a relief to him to know that there is a potential explanation for the difficulties that he experiences. Believe me, he won't be unaware that he is different. Sometimes it helps to have an explanation - or even a possible explanation - as to why that might be.

ADHD isn't a character flaw and it isn't anything to be ashamed of. There is no need to keep the possibility of it a secret.

Yes to this. The very fact that op agreed upthread with a poster who said what kid doesn't have ADHD these days indicates that op is one of the ADHD "non believers"...

In my child's class/school 1-3 kids per class are on the pathway to diagnosis, which tallies with (conservative) psychologist estimates of 10-14% of the population having ADHD... It's about time people stopped dismissing neurodiversity as a fad, IMO.

Edited for typos, and to delete a possibly unfair emoji!

ADHD is not a fad it bandwagon, OP, and is nothing to be afraid of, it just means that your child - along with many other people - is just not ideally suited to sitting in a classroom all day 🤷‍♀️ as an adult, they will unlikely be the kind of person who enjoys and thrives sitting in an office all day! With the right support and guidance (& understanding from you!) they will be able to use this information and work With their natural instincts and characteristics to find a lifestyle and career suited to "someone who can't sit still"... 😂

In the right environment" ADHD " - awful description - is an asset not a burden 💪 try to encourage your child to understand it that way, is my advice.

ComfortFoodCafe · 23/10/2025 16:07

Bit of a odd thing to keep secret from
him. Yabu.

Original poster
justabitnuts · 23/10/2025 16:06

purpleme12 · 23/10/2025 16:00

@justabitnuts I would be fuming too!
I completely get you. At 9 you don't have to mention that yet. And yes they can get fixated on things if mentioned and take them as gospel which is not always good.

Thank you for understanding, this thread is making me feel like I have completely failed him by not telling him!

OP posts:
Original poster
justabitnuts · 23/10/2025 16:05

Bleeuurrgghhh · 23/10/2025 15:59

And also, crucially - why do the school think he Might have ADHD?!

The school have mentioned he can not keep still, gets distracted, he gets distracted very quickly, is impatient, his handwriting.
i don’t know if he does or not, I was going to read and watch some documentary’s about it, before I told him, just so I can understand a bit more,
honestly, I thought because of Covid, he didn’t go to preschool, and he didn’t do reception, he may just be a bit behind with behaviours in the classroom,
maybe I’m in denial, I don’t know.

OP posts:
MrsBennetsPoorNervesAreBack · 23/10/2025 16:01

OP, does this have more to do with your own anxiety about your ds's potential adhd?

As someone who was diagnosed with adhd as an adult, after years of wondering what the fuck was wrong with me, I don't really understand the rationale behind not telling him tbh. You said he is bright, so surely he is capable of understanding that you and his teachers can't diagnose him?

It might actually be a relief to him to know that there is a potential explanation for the difficulties that he experiences. Believe me, he won't be unaware that he is different. Sometimes it helps to have an explanation - or even a possible explanation - as to why that might be.

ADHD isn't a character flaw and it isn't anything to be ashamed of. There is no need to keep the possibility of it a secret.

purpleme12 · 23/10/2025 16:00

@justabitnuts I would be fuming too!
I completely get you. At 9 you don't have to mention that yet. And yes they can get fixated on things if mentioned and take them as gospel which is not always good.

Bleeuurrgghhh · 23/10/2025 15:59

And also, crucially - why do the school think he Might have ADHD?!

Bleeuurrgghhh · 23/10/2025 15:59

If you think it might not be ADHD, op, what do You think it might be?

Original poster
justabitnuts · 23/10/2025 15:58

ohyesido · 23/10/2025 15:55

Then he doesn’t have it and it shouldn’t be bandied about until he has been diagnosed

Show quote history

Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
justabitnuts · 23/10/2025 15:57

Anditstartedagain · 23/10/2025 15:55

Surely at 9 he is going yo be asking what the assessment is for?

It could be 2 years away, when it comes to it, I will tell him what it’s for. But he doesn’t need to know months before.

OP posts:
Anditstartedagain · 23/10/2025 15:55

Surely at 9 he is going yo be asking what the assessment is for?

ohyesido · 23/10/2025 15:55

samones · 23/10/2025 15:54

Literally in the first sentence of the OP. No. That is what the whole thread is about.

Show quote history

Then he doesn’t have it and it shouldn’t be bandied about until he has been diagnosed

Original poster
justabitnuts · 23/10/2025 15:55

samones · 23/10/2025 15:38

Ignoring the fact that you think ADHD is something wrong, would you not take him for an xray with a suspected broken arm? It’s totally normal in medical terms to consider ‘it might be X but we should get it checked out’ - no need to shield children when it involves them. I took my DD to the out of hours when she was 4 because she might have had a urine infection. She was fully involved and had everything explained to her throughout, and she understood the wee test was to find out if she did or not. No different.

Edited
Show quote history

But then waiting two years for the results for the x-ray, then tests take days, assessments for adhd take years
I think making a child wait for months maybe years is cruel.
I don’t want him thinking he might have ADHD for that long. Because it plays on his mind and he fixates on it.

OP posts:
samones · 23/10/2025 15:54

ohyesido · 23/10/2025 15:53

Has he been diagnosed?

Show quote history

Literally in the first sentence of the OP. No. That is what the whole thread is about.

ohyesido · 23/10/2025 15:53

justabitnuts · 23/10/2025 15:49

He does know and I have said multiple times that his brain works differently, and that everybody is different, but he is very black and white, if I say you might have ADHD, to him, he either has or hasn’t, so saying you might, wouldn’t benefit him, that’s why I was waiting, I am not a expert, I don’t know if he has it or not, and I think telling him he might, then waiting 2 years for the assessment, would 100% stress him out!
the teacher saying “you might have ADHD” has done exactly what I knew it would do,
he’s now said, have I or haven't I? There is no in-between with him!
I can understand why she answered the way she did.

Has he been diagnosed?

samones · 23/10/2025 15:52

justabitnuts · 23/10/2025 15:49

He does know and I have said multiple times that his brain works differently, and that everybody is different, but he is very black and white, if I say you might have ADHD, to him, he either has or hasn’t, so saying you might, wouldn’t benefit him, that’s why I was waiting, I am not a expert, I don’t know if he has it or not, and I think telling him he might, then waiting 2 years for the assessment, would 100% stress him out!
the teacher saying “you might have ADHD” has done exactly what I knew it would do,
he’s now said, have I or haven't I? There is no in-between with him!
I can understand why she answered the way she did.

The answer is that yes he either does or he doesn’t but will have to wait to find out. This is an important lesson for him actually, you can’t just avoid telling him things because he finds the reply difficult to deal with. Unfortunately you need to be honest no matter how hard he finds not knowing (let’s face it, he already doesn’t know why he thinks as he does) and support him to manage that.

Original poster
justabitnuts · 23/10/2025 15:49

He does know and I have said multiple times that his brain works differently, and that everybody is different, but he is very black and white, if I say you might have ADHD, to him, he either has or hasn’t, so saying you might, wouldn’t benefit him, that’s why I was waiting, I am not a expert, I don’t know if he has it or not, and I think telling him he might, then waiting 2 years for the assessment, would 100% stress him out!
the teacher saying “you might have ADHD” has done exactly what I knew it would do,
he’s now said, have I or haven't I? There is no in-between with him!
I can understand why she answered the way she did.

OP posts: