ADHD!! What would you do??

Hyper fixation is a very common sign of ADHD.
From what I've read from you, your son does sound pretty standard ADHD.
I understand you wanting to learn more about it but nothing can really prepare you for the future things your child does/says, can/can't do.
As someone who has been diagnosed later in life, I feel there's no harm in him knowing that it's a possibility and you can both learn together.
There's a lot of support out there.
Good luck

@Mealy82

No they dont and this is a classic shit comment that comes from the ignorant up there with, "I think everyone's a bit ADHD". "It's becoming so common/popular these days".

We were ignored, misunderstood and miss/undiagnosed and now we've had babies and quelle surprise.... They're neurodiverse only they're getting diagnosed early because it can be done now; only when I/we were children we were seen as problem children/too much/odd/retarded.

But no, not every child is told they might have ADHD.

Staff cannot do this without a parents consent. They have messed up big time it's so bad!

I'm trying to remember what we did. I think it was year 4 when we had a chat with the teacher about DS, she suspected ADHD and we were unawares. Think we did discuss it with him, as once the assessment process started it was clear he was going to find out. He started being assessed in year 5, but with it being COVID it took until year 7 to complete all the assessments and to be diagnosed with autism. He wanted to know what it was all about, he was quite relieved to know that there might be an issue with him that would explain to school why he was the way he is.

But you have already said he knows his brain works differently. If it turns out he doesn’t have adhd how will you explain this to him? All the teacher has done is given it a name

Unless you’d explicitly asked the school not to say anything and they’ve gone against that, then YABU. How on earth would they know you’ve chosen to cover it up?

School staff wouldn’t keep it a secret or not mention it because it’s nothing to be ashamed of - more confusing is why wouldn’t you discuss it with your child?

Look, honestly I get why you are annoyed at the teacher mentioning it when you had not broached the subject yourself and I obviously you know your own child and his reactions the best, but thinking of my own ADHD child I chose to be very open at an early stage of suspicion as the ADHD behaviours were on their way to affecting his sense of self quite negatively. It is estimated that an ADHD chuld
will receive 20,000 more negative messages than a neurotypical child by the age of 10- that doesn’t do great things to the self esteem and I would much rather have conversations with my child about his his brain is much faster than other peoples and while that’s amazing and a superpower, just like some people find it harder to learn to swim or ride a bike, he finds it harder to learn to sit and focus on school. He’s not bad, he just has different challenges

This isn't what you asked but it could speed things up for you if school think he had ADHD or if any screening questionnaires have been done for the referral that indicate the possibility of ADHD, you could ask your GP for an assessment under right to choose. If you google it, it will tell you what you need to do. Just be careful who you choose as not all assessments are equal.

I would be absolutely fuming 😡 cannot understand why the teacher would think it is appropriate to be saying that to him. Especially as he doesn’t even have a diagnosis. You are completely reasonable and I would be asking to have a word with the teacher to ask her why she thought it would be appropriate. She isn’t a doctor.

I’m not a teacher but what you say is just common sense - I can’t believe 78% have voted that the OP is being unreasonable!

I think this kind of question just suggests that you need to talk about the assessment and the process more so that he is able to understand it properly. I get that it might feel difficult to explain this if you haven't managed to get your head around it yourself yet, but he will benefit from being told as much as you can share.

So how will you explain the assessment to him?

I think it's a common reaction. My almost adult child was diagnosed with ADHD and was really relived to find an explanation for why she'd found some things harder than other people around her that wasn't because she was stupid.

She's literally been asking that question since she started school. Now she's older she can express that it always confused her as she'd never felt she was actually stupid, but there were just some things which came easily to other people which she found so much effort she couldn't possibly imagine everyone else was working that hard at it to be so good at it.

I'm not sure what language exactly I'd have used to explain it had she been diagnosed when she was younger, but children definitely know the word 'stupid' and seem to prefer almost any other explanation.

Why wouldn't you tell him? He is 9, old enough to understand. Not saying, so you can educate yourself sounds like denial. Let him get used to the term, see how it feels. Know. You say he is bright, yet you keep him in the dark. He has separate lessons and not explained? He must be so worried. Poor boy. Adhd isn't something to be ashamed of. The sooner the better, even if he isn't, he can make peace his brain works differently to others will help him manage himself.

We made the mistake of not telling DC1 much about his upcoming diagnosis at a similar age.
He started really acting up, fighting and angry. Totally out of character for him.
Turned out he was hearing the hushed whispers, the talk of appointments and noticing meetings with teachers, letters etc and had drawn his own conclusion that he had a terminal illness.
We unravelled it during a meeting with achool to discuss his behaviour and he just said 'why is noone telling me that I am dying'. Absolutely broke my heart, we thought we were doing the right thing.
From that moment on we were really open and honest with him.

You should have done the right thing and told him. Jfc.

And you may be keeping knowledge from a 9 year old that could be valuable to him. No matter how long the wait.. it could help him in the meantime. plus if he does have ADHD and you’ve written about his issues with instant gratification, this could be valuable showing him we can’t get everything we want when we want it.

Who are you with? My son has been waiting over 18 months. But I had a 4 week wait and my daughter around 2 months. Can’t get my youngest on any list.

To be honest as soon as my kids were diagnosed with that and autism it was all about raising awareness and educating them about it. Even if he doesn’t it won’t harm him to know about it as knowledge is power so they say. Tell him what it is and that you are having him assessed to make sure. I don’t think it will impact him negatively as you are thinking - if he does have adhd it may give him a ‘reason’ for feeling different. A reason I wish I hadn’t waited 37 years for.

Oh do grow up OP, ‘fuming’ is a strong choice of words, try having a non verbal child with absolutely no understanding.

If your son has been moved to a neurodivergent stream/class, I would be paying for a private ADHD assessment - not getting hung up on a teacher telling him they think he may have ADHD. Your son is looking for answers and you should be too. I certainly would not be waiting for 2 years.

I would be so angry you need to complain to the head teacher. I am a learning support assistant and have worked for years with autism. A teacher or member of staff are not allowed to tell a child they may have ADHD. This really is shocking I feel so sorry for you. It is up to the parents. Even when a child is told they have autism or ADHD (by the parent) we play it down and don't let them use it as an excuse not to do something.

My advice is definitely complain and then play it down with your son. He is too young to have this worry.

Discussing it with my daughter did wonders for her self-esteem. everybody in her circle noticed the change in her. She's far more comfortable in her own skin these days, and far better behaved for it. She now gets that she's wired a bit differently from some of her peers, and has different techniques for learning and interacting with them. We've also realized she's dyslexic...and talking through what that means, as well as getting accommodations for that in place, has also really helped her. She is beginning to advocate for herself now, telling the teacher what she needs to get the job done. We started our journey in year 3, we're in year 6 now, still waiting for the ADHD diagnosis. The school have put accommodations in place and they have helped her so much already. She needs that diagnosis for her future.

Forgive me, but I think you are making a mistake by not talking to him about this, and working with him to work how what it means for him. It's time to embrace his ND and see it for all the potential that it holds.