Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be sad I'll never be in love again?

36 replies

Haemagoblin · 22/10/2025 01:21

I'm 40 years old. I'm in a relationship with a man I hav two children with who is a good man with a good heart but to whom I am very poorly matched (blame being young and unformed when we got together almost 20 years ago). Through motherhood and age and increasingly second wave feminism I have become increasingly cynical about men; I don't think what we women call love and what they call love are related much to each other. I will stay with my partner and make it work with him as best I can until our children are embarked on their own lives, then I will see what happens. But "in love"? That fluttery wonderful feeling? That ship has sailed.

Through my teens and early twenties I was often "in love" with a range of no doubt unsuitable and/or unworthy boys and men. I was looking through my old poetry today (cringe) and my God I loved. Even over the last decade or so, even though I was very invested in my (troubled) relationship with my partner, I was occasionally besotted with this fellow or that I met - through work or social life or whatever. Nothing ever happened with any of them but I'd get the flutter, the tingle when I saw them, the pleasure and the joy of getting to know them and spending time with them. I'd dream about them. It was exciting and beautiful and sometimes a bit painful.

I just know deep down I will never feel like that again about a man. I've seen too much, I've learned too much, and I'm utterly disillusioned with men. And I'm gutted about it! It was such a beautiful feeling.

Having a baby gave me access to a whole new world of love; it was transporting, transformational, exciting. I have had all the babies I'm going to have. Bar waiting on grandchildren, I can only assume I have experienced all the "falling in love" I'll ever have now.

I know it's silly and a bit frivolous. But I'm so sad that I won't ever feel those overwhelming/fluttery feelings again. I have love. But I'll never be "in love" or be, you know, smote with new love ever again. I will miss it ☹️

OP posts:
Original poster
Haemagoblin · 22/10/2025 02:27

Ohthatsabitshit · 22/10/2025 01:55

It sounds like you had a rather large capacity for feeling romantic feelings for others. What has changed? It sounds more like hormonal fluctuation than death of capacity to live.

Well possibly. I definitely blame my disappeared libido on hormones. But love is separate to that I think. My sex drive is coming back now (about a year after finishing breastfeeding my youngest, which I think had a big part in depressing it). But I can't feel romantic about it anymore. Possibly not helped by the low/no libido years where it was just a job that had to be done, but mostly because I have stopped believing it is anything other than an itch to be scratched for men. I used to feel this glorious reciprocity of feeling, this almost telepathy during sex, where I felt hugely emotionally close to my partners. Now I know that's just not there, it was all in my head. They'd get the same pleasure from a fleshlight. Buggers up masturbation too because I used to fantasise about passionate sex with a man who adored me (man varied) but now that seems such a silly idea that it just puts me off. Ugh.

OP posts:
TakemedowntoPotatoCity · 22/10/2025 02:22

I understand and sympathise. I feel sort of numb to it now, but I put that down to quite a bit of trauma and depression.

Meadowfinch · 22/10/2025 02:10

It's sad you feel that way, but you can't know it won't ever happen again.

I'm single so I have the freedom to reciprocate if someone lovely wanders into my life. There's no reason why it can't happen. The world is full of lonely people.

I agree that there are a lot of worthless creeps out there though. I'm more cynical than I used to be.

Olive567 · 22/10/2025 02:05

I know where you are coming from OP. I don't think it's coming back for me either. It feels as though a spell has been broken when it comes to men. But can't say i'm that sad about it.

Gabitule · 22/10/2025 02:03

most of my intense loving (not necessarily romantic) has been followed by crushing heartbreak. After feeling the most excruciating heart ache when my last relationship ended (rhe kind of pain that is simply always there, every minute, with no escape from it) I never want to be Inlove again. I spent so much of my 20s and 30s crying over some man or another. No more falling Inlove for me please, I’m finally free from it

DarkAngel23 · 22/10/2025 02:01

Im not far off 40 and sadly feel the same way. Been together nearly 20 yrs, no plans to change that but I’m increasingly cynical of men these days. If I were to become single again I don’t think I could ever have a proper relationship again. Theres just too much risk involved for women.

Ohthatsabitshit · 22/10/2025 01:55

It sounds like you had a rather large capacity for feeling romantic feelings for others. What has changed? It sounds more like hormonal fluctuation than death of capacity to live.

Velvet010 · 22/10/2025 01:53

personally as nice as the idea is, id rather be cold and clinical with reguards to relationships, my mental health was omg with my first 2 relationships and now i prefer more clinical methods to keep detatched but still able to love. if that makes sense

fishtank12345 · 22/10/2025 01:50

Very relatable and im 40 too. 2 kids. Too much has happened, you are right. Poorly matched as met when was 21 with different ideas, but it works as he is a good man, but if anything happened to him I would never bother again with men. It would just be too much.

Original poster
Haemagoblin · 22/10/2025 01:30

I'm very impressed by people who are past the "youthful" stage who can still feel it. Some of my friends have been through hell with really shitty boyfriends (far worse than anything I've ever gone through with my partner) and they still believe in love. I would love to still have that. But it's gone.

OP posts:
PiggieWig · 22/10/2025 01:26

It’s a shame you feel that way. I understand it. I’m 48 and have been single for about 6 years now, largely because it is harder to meet men who set my heart alight these days. Probably for a lot of the same reasons as you, and I’m guarded, but I do still hope to fall in love again.
I don’t believe in ‘all men’ any more than I believe in ‘all women’ or ‘all dogs’ - that seems a disservice. Though it does seem harder to fall giddy in love - I do still believe it’s possible.