To be sad I'll never be in love again?

Im in my late 30s and ive been single 12 years.

Its hard to tell people that i dont believe in love sole mates and love at first sight im just not that person ive had some tell me im weird stupid or i just need to find a good man mr right NO i dont.
You must miss sex etc NO NO and NO i dont.

I love my life peace quiet and being single.
I have had bfs in the past but i could never click the constant need to be in contact the nit picking.
The wanting to talk compromising, little things if you know what i mean.
It was a relief when they went back home.
The mess they make my last break up i said i wouldnt date again and ive never been happier.

Some of us need people to feel loved others dont.
Some get with others because they havent learned to be alone, i think when you are truly happy being single you know what you really want in a relationship.
Some get out on 1 relationship and in a new one 2-3 weeks later.
Some like me just prefer to be single thats who we are and we are happy that way, the art of being single is finding out so much about yourself.

Sums it up perfectly

In my experience you don't get to choose who you fall in love with or when. It's inconvenient like that!

I voted YABU because you can’t possibly know.

I've never associated those fluttery feelings with love (I'm male, so maybe I'm proving your point). Fear is fluttery, nerves are fluttery. I've felt those in association with a new relationship, but not because I was in love with them, but because I was nervous or scared of fucking it up. I never enjoyed the fluttery side of things.

Love feels different. Love is this heavy satisfying, warm feeling in the pit of your stomach, like the way your stomach feels after a really good whiskey in a warm cosy pub on a cold night. I never felt the flutters with DP, I didn't need to, even from the first couple of dates it just felt right. We clicked in a way I never had before. I did feel that warmth with her though, almost from the very first date.

How do you know you won't? Yabu, no one knows what the future holds.

Yes I think that feeling is anxiety and your logic floating away. Had many of those encounters that I wouldn’t wish to revisit.

I think the 'in love' giddy feeling is almost always all in our heads. I've had crushes and yearned for boys/men who simply weren't that bothered about me. I think they have largely been fantasies that I've just attached to whoever was there.

Then there's love which is about showing up for someone through thick and thin.

Some people are blessed and have both but the first alone I think it's just a yearning, maybe Hollywood inspired, maybe a biological thing.

My grandma met the "love of her life" (her words) in her late 50s. You never know OP!

I felt the same, disolutioned after my long relationship ended (never married). But you talk about 'love', and then describe never being 'in love' again. My experience is that they are completely separate things.

I have definitely been 'in love' in the years since the split. The excitement, the butterflies, the all-consuming need to be with them! My past never affected that type of thing.

Love? As they say, it's a verb more than a noun. I doubt I'll ever do it again. Sending you hugs and solidarity, while at the same time (hopefully!) giving you hope that you can at least be 'in love' again 💘

Given you’ve been having sex you didn’t want I’m not surprised.

I used to feel this glorious reciprocity of feeling, this almost telepathy during sex, where I felt hugely emotionally close to my partners. Now I know that's just not there, it was all in my head. They'd get the same pleasure from a fleshlight.

I'm a man, and completed mystified where you get the strange idea that we never feel emotion and reciprocity during sex. I certainly do, in terms similar to how you describe it. Talking to other men they do to varying degrees, like women.

Yes it's true that we are ALSO able to be detached and purely physical about sex, to a greater degree than women (although this is more a question of overlapping bell curves than binary either/or, as there is clearly a minority of women who are virtually male-like in their ability to do the same). But that doesn't negate the ability to be fully emotionally involved during sex with a close partner.

If you need to swear off men and love that's your choice. By a certain age we've all been hurt and disappointed by life, and God knows there are plenty of things about men not to like. But you're forming a sweeping conclusion that just isn't true.

Maybe you've just had the wrong partners, or experienced difficulty communicating during/about sex and assumed it was all the other person's fault?

The tingly feeling you have labelled love is not love at all, I think you’re looking for the wrong thing.

Get a dog, honestly the love feeling is great

I think the fact that you’ve just stopped breast feeding is fairly important. For me anyway, that and presumably having been pregnant had a huge impact on my self. I would expect to feel very different again in 5 years time. Obviously you can only do your life but for me love and that heady rush did not stop.

In 40s too and one day I held dh’s hand as we walked down the street and he gave me a smile (he’d normally make a comment or not totally reciprocate) and I felt the old teenage twinge back for that moment and it did make me warm all over. Could you at least try and get some romance back? A date night with you both making the old effort or the like? But I do agree with everyone, I’d never have thought everything would be so the way it is when I was younger. I think I’d be a bit shocked (more so probably at how little effort we both put in now as we’re just so worn out)

eta I do still love him though, I just think it’s different to how it was

I've been with my husband 20 years and yes, come to think of it, am I "in love"? I'm not sure what that looks like after 20 years.
What I do love though, is still trying to create a bit of a buzz around "date night". We both get dressed up nicely, I put on nice underwear, we are a bit flirty on the lead up to create a bit of chemistry, we connect over a few drinks and dinner, walk home with him pinching my bum, and have sex!
That gives me close to that same thrill I'd be looking for from dating.
When I was in the first flush of love with my husband, in my early 20s, I found it so overwhelming and all consuming, it practically made me ill. I'm not sure it would be possible to feel like that as an independent woman in my 40s with my head screwed on.

Now I know that's just not there, it was all in my head. They'd get the same pleasure from a fleshlight.

Is this specific to your partner or do you believe this about all men? Because I’d recommend you stop reading whatever it is you are reading about how all men hate women and see them as pieces of meat. Honestly it’s just depressing and unlikely to help you. I’ve seen loads of people become really cynical and depressed through getting immersed in “activism”, whether that’s feminism or anti-racism or something else. It takes its toll constantly hearing about how hated you are and how shit a place the world is.

OP, sorry to be blant, but you are immature, like very very very much so.
Love is what we all want. Not the "falling in love". Yeah, that was needed when you were bonding with your partner to become one unit. But.. come on.. you need serene, warm, overwhelming love that looks like the best friendship of your life, with sex added. What did bring to your life to waste your mental and emotional energy on crushes during your marriage? Nothing, utter nothing. It would have been much better spent on your children, partner, family and friends. It happens, but I would not say it is to be missed. Of course, the feeling of attachment to your partner needs to be there. If you feel you are missing that, then you can get it back, date again, incest some time on intimacy with him, talk to him. It is quite common for couples to lose this a bit when bringing up children.
And I think you are wrong to say men have a different definition of love than women. They, in genetal, have a different way to express their "falling in love" and actual love, but they do not define it or feel it differently.

OP my heart goes out to you.
Please just know those feelings you are describing as 'love' in my opinion are not what love is.

For me what you are describing is excitement, chemistry, attraction the anticipation of what might be and whilst these feelings are totally intoxicating and addictive I don't think it is love.

For me love is sticking with someone through thick and thin, the good times and the bad. Having someone's total support, knowing that person 'gets you' and would do anything for you, puts you first and is and always will be there for you. Having a shared history and longevity.
It is knowing if you got ill, sick or incapacitated that person would be there for you and care for you day in and day out.

It is never going to be possible to sustain that heady excitement of a new relationship where everything is heightened and chemistry is running high. The chemicals your brain releases at the time aren't sustained long-term. However what develops over a lifetime is the true love story.

We have friends and a few years ago she was diagnosed with dementia, they were looking forward to their retirement at the time. However her demise has been rapid and he has rapidly become her full time carer and has to do everything for her, feed her, wash her, dress her, shower her, toilet her. He does this day in and day out, has done for years and will continue to do so.

He never complains is kind loving and patient and does everything he can to make her happy and make her laugh, that's love OP, that's the fairy story and if we are lucky that is the love we find.

Are you on hormonal contraception by any chance? I remember feeling numbed in a similar way around your age then I got my implant out (DH had snip) and it all came back with a vengeance until peri kicked in, which is it’s own hill to climb. But I had a fun few years with all manner of feelings going on inside. This is just to address the physical side and associated fantasy life, I still loved (and love and been in love) with DH throughout luckily, but just wanted to address the hormonal side as if that’s suppressed then it’s hard to feel much even if things are good in a relationship. Even if that’s not the same for you though, I would say how you’re feeling now barely out of breastfeeding DC isn’t how it will always be any more than the teenage flutters lasted forever. Both a pro and con of being female is that we are up and down on this ride through our lives and love and other feelings can catch us unawares. I’ve got friends who felt like you and ended up leaving their DH for women in middle age, and others who fell back in love with DH. It’s good that you’re noticing your needs at least, maybe after putting DC first for a while, so your 40s could be a chance to address them and find ways to feel more fulfilled.

What counts as “youthful stage”? I fell in love at 35. Plenty on my friends are single in their late 30s & 40s and hoping to fall in love.

They’re all on OLD I would never try that again. Made me cynical

I feel you. I am 49 been a single parent for 10 years. Met someone 3 years ago and I felt like a teenager again, except he was a total fraud. So that was it for me. I am content and I am not sure I could live with someone again but it is a bit sad I used to love having a crush. I have got someone interested in me atm but I do not feel it we are not suited at all just see him as a friend.

I still get those feelings. Quite often relating to just being in the world. The way the sunlight catches the edge of a glass of water could stop my heart.

When the children are older you could travel more with your husband and all sorts of new experiences may find their way to you both. Where there is life there are flutters to be felt and the world is a mirror, what you believe in will find you so keep letting the light in.x