Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I did a childish thing, but it felt good! AIBU?

244 replies

fuckhimintheear · 21/10/2025 20:51

My partner is, on the whole, a great man. He’s loyal, hardworking and an excellent father. But my God, he’s messy! I do all of the housework (I don’t work) and he does the majority of the cooking and running kids around and also working. So I can’t complain about my lot, he’s valuable and he’s lovely.

However, I’m sick to death of cleaning up his beard trimmings, cleaning up his crumbs, cleaning up the fall out when he’s been ‘in charge’ of the kids and there’s shit everywhere for me to fix. I left him alone with our 16 month old for five minutes yesterday and when I came back DP was oblivious whilst the little one was emptying soil from a plant pot and smushing it in to the the carpet and his own hair. This sort of stuff just doesn’t happen on my watch, but it seems to be ‘not a big deal’ when he’s in control.

I work really hard to give us a nice, clean orderly home. He just doesn’t seem to give a shit? He did get a new car last year though, and expressly told us all that under no circumstances would anyone be eating in the car or making any mess.

I lost my shit with the situation and took five kids down Greggs, bought us all a sausage roll and sat on the drive eating them. The car was filthy afterwards.

Am I a dick?

OP posts:
Fluffyblackcat7 · 22/10/2025 08:30

Sara050 · 21/10/2025 21:00

YABU why would you have a plant pot in reach of a toddler?

And why would you purposely make a mess, he might be careless but he's not purposely going out of his way to make a mess. Why not just tell him to go clear up his beard trimmings rather than be so passive aggressive?

Why is it OPs responsibility to keep the 18 month old away from the plant pot when DH is in charge? That, is unreasonable.

MojoMoon · 22/10/2025 08:25

He cares about the car because he sees it as giving him status.

He doesn't care as much about you.
Sorry, but his behaviour is disrespectful. If he can clean a car, he is clearly physically and mentally capable of cleaning a house

He just doesn't respect you.

It is serious. It's not about the cleaning itself, it's about the disdain he has for you.

pictoosh · 22/10/2025 08:24

Switcher · 22/10/2025 08:22

Seems like a very unhealthy relationship.

Said the poster who had been told otherwise but still thought she knew better.

Switcher · 22/10/2025 08:22

Seems like a very unhealthy relationship.

AnimalFarm1983 · 22/10/2025 08:22

Im in a similar situation my husband is REALLY messy. I'm like you asking him over and over again but he doesn't listen either. And then you turn into a nag which damages your relationship. This sort of thing would prove the point so well as it's the only thing they'll listen to. We'll done to you I hope it worked!!

NarnianQueen · 22/10/2025 08:19

I hope you left the plant pot mess for him to clean up as well?!

WeeGeeBored · 22/10/2025 08:11

The reason I really dislike what op has done is because it makes me wonder if dh is overwhelmed by what it takes to keep the home to the standard op requires but finds it easier with the personal space of the car. As someone with ADHD I can relate to that. If, as OP’s action implies, it is just that he can’t be bothered unless it is about his possessions then that is much more serious because it makes him seem selfish and uncaring. Why would op stay with someone like that? Whatever, I hate playing games.

JoemarIerseyes · 22/10/2025 08:08

Sara050 · 21/10/2025 21:00

YABU why would you have a plant pot in reach of a toddler?

And why would you purposely make a mess, he might be careless but he's not purposely going out of his way to make a mess. Why not just tell him to go clear up his beard trimmings rather than be so passive aggressive?

Or use the beard trimmer for your pubes and leave them in the sink just before he goes for a wash?
If you can't beat them, join em

VioletandMauve · 22/10/2025 08:06

fuckhimintheear · 21/10/2025 20:58

Crumbs everywhere, greasy handprints on the windows….it was so satisfying to say to him ‘but it’s not a big deal, it can be cleaned’ and then to hear him scrabbling around in the garage for his Karcher steam cleaner and feebly asking where the vacuum cleaner is.

this is brilliant 😂

Wynter25 · 22/10/2025 08:06

KnittyNell · 21/10/2025 23:46

Poor parenting to let kids deliberately do that.

Behave 🙄 miserable people on here 😂

Imdunfer · 22/10/2025 08:01

It sounds to me like you have a pretty fair split of responsibilities if he ferries the kids around and does the cooking and works full time and your only job is to manage the children and the house. It isn't remotely unusual for men, and some women, to be happy to live in a messy house but be precious about their car.

He probably figures that if you're going to clean the sink every day anyway then swilling away his beard trimmings is neither here nor there. Or maybe he's being passive aggressive in response to your constant nagging.

I'd be careful what you wish for if I were you.

Attempt333 · 22/10/2025 07:59

This is the best thing I have ever heard 🤣🤣 excellent job OP !

Bloozie · 22/10/2025 07:50

I do want updates on this one though. Is he able to link him leaving his mess everywhere, and the mess in his car? It's fascinating.

pictoosh · 22/10/2025 07:50

ThejoyofNC · 22/10/2025 07:41

What you did wasn't childish. It was meant and nasty

There's no excusing it in my eyes.

We're talking about sausage roll crumbs here...what are you referring to?

Bloozie · 22/10/2025 07:49

If you've used your words and asked a million times and he has refused to clean up after himself, says you're a nag and tells you mess is no big deal...

...absolutely not unreasonable, because for whatever reason (laziness, lack of respect, lack of understanding) he isn't receiving the message.

Maybe he has difficulty processing spoken words? It's fine, lots of people do. PERFECTLY reasonable for you to therefore try experiential learning instead.

I would repeat the Greggs trip - maybe throw in some beach trips too, do you have a dog? - as many times as you've asked him to clear his beard trimmings from the sink, just to really explore whether he learns better from experience than words, and if that doesn't work either, move on to written instructions.

It's not petty or childish. It's exploring communication styles. ;-)

NippyNinjaCrab · 22/10/2025 07:48

I love this! Well done you. What he is doing is so disrespectful and expectant that you will clean up anyway. Maybe the greggsgate incident will give him a boot up the arse.

pictoosh · 22/10/2025 07:48

I love it.
Sometimes it takes a practical demonstration for a learner to grasp a concept. 😉

KeepAwayFromChildren · 22/10/2025 07:45

fuckhimintheear · 21/10/2025 21:38

And you don’t think I’ve done that? Many times. All it achieves is it turns me in to a ‘nag’ and I’m fucking sick of it.

Show quote history

Sit him down and tell him you are at the end of your rope. Frighten him.

Tell him exactly what you need him to do and nag him every damn time. If he calls you a nag, call him a slovenly filthy man with no standards at all.

You have to keep hammering away at this to even get slight improvement so that if you ever do decide to call it a day, you have given it 110%.

It sounds passive aggressive to me but even if it isn't, you have to express this constantly or make him go out to work and you stay home.

When I married DH, there were a few things that I couldn't tolerate and I decided to not internalise it. I told him these things were deal breakers and he should tell me his. We called a truce and he has made sure he has never done those things since and vice versa.

I don't think you were childish. Words weren't working so you have tried an alternate method. Genius!

Tryingatleast · 22/10/2025 07:41

When a relationship has sunk to that level of pettiness and involves the children in a nasty act of revenge, it’s time to call it a day.

I think this one isolated incident might be a pretty silly thing to ltb for!!!!

op👏👏👏👏👏

ThejoyofNC · 22/10/2025 07:41

What you did wasn't childish. It was meant and nasty

There's no excusing it in my eyes.

MushMonster · 22/10/2025 07:39

OP, I think that is genious! I think he will get it!
He should be respectful of your work and keep it as clean as he can, particularly the beard trimmings. Mess and cooking/ children is a bit less avoidable, but he can wash up and clean as he goes along.

TheCurious0range · 22/10/2025 07:39

😂 revenge sausage rolls

Chiseltip · 22/10/2025 07:37

Screamingabdabz · 21/10/2025 20:56

YANBU. He can’t have one rule for the house and another for the car!

Of course he can.

Houses are meant to be lived in, so they get messy. A car is not a home.

PuppyMonkey · 22/10/2025 07:35

Good one OP, but I’d be worried maybe he’ll take his revenge by not cooking and doing all the running around and stuff that you say he does. Or is he not that immature?

CallItLoneliness · 22/10/2025 07:30

DBD1975 · 22/10/2025 06:15

Going against the grain here OP, sorry!
As someone who lives with someone who is extremely messy, untidy and creates a lot of work for me this is how I deal with it.
We have different standards, mine are high his are low (I recognised this before we got together but he had very good talents in other areas, so I wasn't overly bothered at the time)!
In terms of the balance of daily chores and domestic life do I do more, yes but I have higher standards so that is my choice (my DP thinks I am obsessive) so I crack on and do me and live how I want us to live, my choice not his.
Are there annoying habits which drive me up the wall (thinking of beard trimmings) absolutely but I also know those annoying habits are part of my DP and I know if anything were to happen to him those would be part of the things I would miss.
Does my DP drive me up the wall with all the crumbs, additional work, messiness, finger prints everywhere and general untidiness absolutely, do I love the bones of him and thank my lucky stars for him every day, hell yes, because we have a life and a shared history which I cherish.

Before I get roasted just trying to give a different perspective. Life is so short, my advice just try and appreciate what you have whilst you have it and try not to get too upset over stuff which isn't really that important.

At the end of the day count your blessings xx

I would agree with you if he actually had different standards, but his fussiness about the car shows it's just that he doesn't care enough about what OP wants to tidy up after himself in the house. When it is something he views as "his" he does want it to be nice.