Not inviting mums new partner for Christmas?

This.
You wouldn't potentially be introducing your new partner so soon to family gatherings so the same rule of thumb applies to new 'grandparents'.

Isn't Christmas supposed to be a time of goodwill and extending generosity? I can't see a problem at all

You also run the risk of your mum choosing not to come to yours at all and spending the day with her new chap

I think it’s too soon to include him in your family Christmas, especially your children’s. It’s possible she will want to spend Christmas with him and will duck out of yours. As long as you don’t mind that, I’d say no, not this year.

I think you should listen to your gut instincts if you are worried you don’t know enough about him and his background to ensure your children’s complete safety. Presumably you would be busy cooking? In which case you will find it v hard to relax if worrying about a stranger in your home.
Maybe you should try to spend some alone time pre Christmas with your mum and find out more about him and why she likes him plus get to know him too but not with your children around if possible. I agree it’s strange if none of his children, family or old friends talk to him or want to be with him at Christmas.
He might just be someone with awkward body language, poor social skills or maybe it’s hard seeing your mum with someine who is not your dear dad?
You’re in such a tricky position OP I hope you can enjoy Christmas whatever you decide.

You don't sound awful @HappyFeet63. (Ought to change my user name to arcticfeet btw). Your mum met this guy yesterday (OK 3 months ago but still) and it's way too soon to be included in family holidays. Tell her that you and your family would like to get to know him better first and that he can come next year if he's around hope not

I think the suggestion that your mum comes for the morning and the present opening, and them her bloke arrives for lunch is the best compromise.

If you say a straight no, she will probably feel that she should be with him, as he'd otherwise be alone.

Why can’t you get to know him before Christmas before making a final decision?

If it was my mum I would ask her what she would like? Then go with it. You may not be happy with it, but better than upsetting your mum or alienating her. A lot of men that age dont have many friends, but does seem a bit odd that his kids dont bother much with him. I agree I would be cautious, but for the sake of your mum go with her wishes.

You don't like him, so don't invite him. I'm sure your mum will cope.

Don't be surprised if your mum spends the day with him instead.

You know that old saying "Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer"? I'd invite him so you can keep an eye out and see what he's like around everyone.
If you don't, you run the risk of your mother spending the day with him alone,

I and my siblings wouldn't invite anyone's boyfriend or girlfriend of a few months to a family Christmas. We've all got adult children and only when they'd been with someone for a year or so they were invited.

I'm a generation older than you and my dad died 4 years ago. I couldn't imagine my mum dating again, but if she ever did it would be terribly painful. At Christmas ( and other family occasions) we always toast and say a few words about my dad and I can't see we'll ever stop doing that.

As pp have said, what did this man do at Christmas all the years before meeting your mother? He can do the same again especially as it's only a few hours. Christmas is one day, I've spent a Christmas alone and it was fine, soon passed and then it's gone.

You don't have to tell your mum you think he's dodgy, but can't you say that you feel it's too soon for the children to have him there at Christmas. Also can't you say you're missing your dad and you don't feel comfortable with having him there at this time.

The most important thing is that you should not feel guilty for not hosting this almost stranger at Christmas. Your mum unwisely appears to be throwing everything at this relationship but in reality there's no telling at all whether such a short relationship will last.

I'd do a Claires Law request especially if you are getting 'vibes' from him.

I'd probably go with a comment along the lines of pp and say you'd like to see her for a few hours without him

Have him along. It’s most important to be with your mum so I would just include him. If he acts inappropriately or says inappropriate things call him out on it immediately. Make sure DH is also on board with the plan.

let’s us know what he brings to share with his hosts on the holiday. Tell mum he needs to contribute because I doubt he will be cooking serving or cleaning up.

Op it might help us advise you if you can clarify what the red flags you're seeing are outside of not having Xmas plans or seeing his children much?

come off it now. He won’t be unsupervised with the kids. Op got a “bad vibe” he’s hardly a convicted serial killer. Such OTT reactions.

You sound very sensible and should go with your gut feeling. You are so right about it being a red flag that he has so little contact with his own children. If your Mum was thinking clearly she would be questioning this also. It does not say much for him as a family man if his own children are not spending time with him on special days.

She’s your mum. She’s lost her husband and has found a glimmer of happiness and companionship with someone else. I think you’re being really selfish.

I say this as kindly as possible, I think you just don't like that your mum has moved on after your Dad has passed and you are nitpicking at him to try justify not liking him. It's a natural reaction but that doesn't make him a bad person or mean he's a red flag or not right for mum, it just means you aren't ready to accept him.

Ultimately I wouldn't alienate my mum by alienating her partner unless I had good reason to (like he'd done or said something awful). You might have to accept that she might not come if you say her partner can't be there.

No way I would have someone i wasn't comfortable in my house with my children on Christmas day.

Absolutely inappropriate.
Your gut is right.
3 kids of his own and none of them want him.
Tells you a lot.

I can’t imagine being so up my own arse that I thought excluding my mother’s boyfriend from Christmas Day wouldn’t cause an issue. Even if you’re not keen you can plonk him in a chair somewhere or give him something to do. Has he actually done anything concrete yet to make you think he’s a bad’un? Chill.

It depends what the red flags are. Not having anyone else to spend Xmas with is not a red flag; not everyone is lucky enough to have a close, loving family within reach at Xmas. I've volunteered at Xmas and you'd be astonished at how many lonely elderly people there are, through no fault of their own.

"Bad vibes" is not a red flag either. It's meaningless and makes me think you're scraping the barrel for something negative to say.

If you mean this man is controlling or creepy, out with it and say so. (If you don't think he's creepy it's disgraceful that you handwaved in the direction of paedophilia so that posters would pick up the subtext without actually meaning it.)

Also, your mum might well choose to spend the whole day with him rather than you if you make it clear he's not welcome.

I know what you mean. I’m feeling the same about my brother’s latest girlfriend. He has a new one every few months. I’d just have them over later for a couple of hours. Tell your mum you fancy a slow morning this year.

So judgemental.

I am 56, my family is spread far & wide, both internationally & nationally. Flights to NZ are beyond expensive for Christmas.

my family here, would 'have me' if I asked, but they all have their own families. I also can't travel to Newcastle or Devon as my health isn't great.

my local friends I'm really friends with one of the couple & would feel I was intruding.

i usually spend Christmas with someone I've known my whole life, but now her 4 kids are grown with partner/kids/in-laws it's a bit too much this year.

IF I'd started a relationship this year, it would be nice to spend Christmas with them, & if they wanted, their family.

As it is, I haven't & im happy to spend it alone, quietly enjoying it. It didn't make me some raging fucking red flag FFS.

@HappyFeet63 it's been a lot longer than 3 years & id still really struggle to see my Mum with someone else. I'd accept it because the 'companionship' 😂😂 would be good for her.

Maybe getting to know him a bit more might put your mind at rest or give you more to say to your mum that you're concerned about him/her.?!!

i think I'd be working on 'better to be 'involved' than shut out.

difficult 💕

YANBU, definitely do not invite him, it will become expected every year.

If your mum chooses not to come, so be it. Prioritise your dc.