Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel envious of friends who had DC in their 20s.

135 replies

Eastie77Returns · 21/10/2025 16:03

I know there have been lots of threads about the merits of having children when you are young vs older and more established. I went to a class reunion recently and met up with a lot of old friends. I attended a school in a deprived part of East London and a lot of my friends had children quite young (early/mid-twenties). I remember feeling sorry for them as they were burdened with raising kids at such a young age but time has given me a different perspective.

At the reunion I noticed how many have so much free time now their DC are in their late teens/twenties whilst I’m still in the semi-trenches with my 10 and 12 year olds. I feel exhausted a lot and carving out time for myself is tricky although I’m extremely fortunate to have a flexible job and WFH. When I mentioned I had to leave the reunion party as I had the school run the following day with my younger child, a few friends chuckled and said they could barely remember doing that. It did make me feel envious. Also many of them had parents to help raise their DC whereas mine were both quite elderly when DC came along and have both died. One of my friends who had 3 kids by the time she was 28 pointed out that I’m have a well paid job with my own home whereas she is on a low income and renting because she never got a career of the ground. I understand that point but part of me feels I might still have been able to get a good job if I’d had my kids at 20 something rather than a decade later.

I had a great time in my 20s/early 30s as I travelled, lived abroad etc but my friends are now able to live that live in their 40s whilst I’ve got another 8 years until both kids are ‘adults’ and of course I know that I’ll probably still be supporting them beyond that whether that’s with uni or something else. I wouldn’t exactly want to change my past but I do still wonder “what if”?

Does anyone else who had kids mid-30s onwards feel the same?

OP posts:
blackrabbitwhiterabbit · 21/10/2025 16:21

Well, I'm the idiot who had kids at 20 and 22, then decided to have another one at nearly 40...

SlipperyLizard · 21/10/2025 16:21

Both my SILs had kids straight after Uni, as a result both are now parents to adult children while we’re wrangling teens, but DH and I (kids early 30s) own a house (they rent) have decent pensions and relative financial security.

They might be “free” of kids in their 50s but they haven’t got the money to enjoy it properly!

Obviously there are other causes to that than just having kids early, but I think it is a key one.

Meadowfinch · 21/10/2025 16:20

Each to their own.

I had my ds in my mid 40s. I spent my 20s and 30s travelling the world, developing my career. By the time I had ds I'd paid off my mortgage. I had a home, a secure career, and, flukily, an easy baby.

Now I'm 62, doing the round of universities and having a great time. We each make our choices. 😊

Threesmycrowd · 21/10/2025 16:19

Relate to this. Had dc in my late 30s. Like pp I didnt meet their dad until later in life so not much choice really but I would have preferred to have had them at least 5 years earlier. I do think that its easy to forget what a good time (and the freedom) we had in our 20s though. And your classmates will never really get those partying years back, its a different stage of life that they have freedom in if that makes sense. I try to remember that. And be grateful that we met dp and had dc at all, for a while in my 30s I wasn't sure it would happen for me and im so glad it did.

CherryBlossom321 · 21/10/2025 16:19

It’s swings and roundabouts, isn’t it? I’m 41 with 17 and 13 year olds and I must admit I’m looking forward to reclaiming more of my own time (and energy, probably!) in my mid to late 40’s. However the compromise for me was I didn’t have a university education or develop a successful career and sometimes I feel I “missed out” on that whilst I was young.

Galak · 21/10/2025 16:18

I was 21 but I was so young I often wished I was older. Wouldn’t change it obviously I love my kids

All of my friends went to uni and I was very lonely and ended up with no friends for years and they are all still close because they have shared life experiences, and mine completely veered off differently age 20/21. My main friendship group dumped me when I wasn’t available for nights out and it’s hard to maintain friendships with people at different stages of life to you

I did not have a good job for many years as I had to work around school pick ups just like everyone else does but I had limited work experience

i do not want my kids to follow in my path and do the same. Being a parent in your 30’s is better

I had never been on an adult only holiday till I was nearly 40!

Yellowe · 21/10/2025 16:17

No, I think the complete opposite. I had DS, by choice, just before I turned 40, and I wouldn’t have traded my free, childfree 20s and 30s for anything. I also think it was far easier to have a child when senior enough to be very flexible at work, and to have no financial worries, and to be happy to take a step back from travelling etc and enjoy a quieter life for a while — because I’d already had a lot of fun, and wasn’t having any kind of FOMO.

I also went to a school in a very deprived area (I was as poor as any of them), and though I’ve never gone to a reunion, I’m pretty sure from seeing on the street a few familiar faces if I visit my parents that those who had their children young have had lives tougher than mine.

Whoevenarethey · 21/10/2025 16:15

Yes I often feel the same. I wish I had had children much younger as I don't feel like I have the energy or patience to deal with them now. One friend actually had a child at 18. She now has a better job than me as I took time out now to have children whereas once her child started school she was able to retrain and move up the career ladder without maternity leave or worries of nursery costs.

Minto111 · 21/10/2025 16:14

Well everyone does things at different ages.

You had more free time in your twenties, than they did

x2boys · 21/10/2025 16:12

It is what it is I had my kids in my 30,s because I didn't meet my dh, until I was 31 and I had a ball during my 20,s I.wouldnt have wanted to be stuck in with small children but each to their own.