To feel envious of friends who had DC in their 20s.

It's all swings and roundabouts @Eastie77Returns and I'm not sure there is an ideal time to have children. I know a woman near me who had her one daughter at 17 (the dad buggared off while she was pregnant, and she lived with her mum and the baby til she got a council house 2-3 years later.) She got a job in a supermarket 16-20 hours a week, and had lots of help from her parents - with her DD, and if she was struggling financially. (She has one sister 10 years younger, so only 7 years older than her daughter.)

When she was 37, her daughter was 20, and left home to live with her boyfriend (married at 22, then had 1 child at 25, three years ago) and the lady I know is 45, so still young-ish and healthy, and has been free of child-rearing responsibilities since she was in her late 30s! But none of them have ever been loaded, they never went to Uni, they never will be high earners, and they all rent a property (council.) They don't travel much, just the odd holiday to Spain every 3 years or so... They all seem happy though. They have very few friends as their social circle is very small. Most people I know who had kids young didn;t go to Uni, and are not high earners.

Many people I know who went to Uni, (and have no kids,) have multiple groups of friends, they have travelled to 20+ countries, (holidays, and backpacking,) and have weekends away at the drop of a hat as they have no kids to think about. Most of them are quite high or very high earners, highly educated, and can command £100K a year. Most of them own their property. Many of them have busy and active social lives. They all seem happy too.

Will any of them ever have any regrets? Who knows.

I know some people who had children before 23-24 y.o. who regretted having them younger, and some people who didn't have children til their mid-late 30s, (usually the Uni-educated professionals) have a nice life and a decent income, but regret leaving it quite late, and know they will very likely still have their kids with them when they're 60. (Whilst the ones who had them younger will have been free of children for some 15 years.)

As has been said though, if you DO have kids, no matter what age you have them, they take a 20 year chunk out of your life. And a LOT of fecking money! 😬

I technically did, as I was a few days short of my 30th birthday when I had dc1…

I thought having children youngish would work out as you then get your life back again when you’re not too old.

However what I failed to see is that having children young then sets you up perfectly in the family’s eyes for being lined up for elder care.

Have children late and you get your 20s and your 30s (or some of your 30s) footloose and fancy free, and then you can happily line your siblings up as the elder care because oh dear you’ve got young children now so can’t possibly be in the frame.

Plus you maximise your career by getting up the rungs when you’re younger and taking any time out when already established.

Edit - oh yes and when the elder care is over, or even alongside it, one of your kids will then line you up as grandchild care! Whereas if you’ve had yours older you can probably say “I’m too old now”.

Not at all. It obviously works very well for some people but it sounded awful to me in my 20's and I still have no regrets waiting until I was in my late 30's to have DC.

2 in my early 20's, now both living independently and I struggle to cope with the Grandchildren (whether that is due to having children early in life, I don't know) but I couldn't do it now at 50 - it definitely is swings and roundabouts. Pro's and Con's to both - maybe child free is the way to go 😂

I had my one & only at 33 but my DP who is the same age as me had his early 20’s and now they’re both young adults & mine is only 8. I had a ball in my 20’s & travelled & built a career. Helped by the fact I went back to work FT when my child was young I’ve got a successful career now. My DP is a SD to my daughter but we have no wish up have one of our own & when my DD is with her dad I relish the adult time. My ex is just starting a new family with his new partner & I feel not one bit of jealousy. I love my daughter & perhaps cos I was a one & done mother I was only in the trenches for a short rather than repeated children keeping me there. Not only that but I’ve been exposed to the teenager yrs through my SD’s & I think the worst is yet to come with mine! Ignorance is bliss as they say. Advantages & disadvantages but i do think a career, decent pension & independence still convinces me that having children later was the right choice.

@BorderCauli99 I feel the same, pg at 29 DC1 at 30. Kind of fell between two stools. All my other friends were mid 30s and to them the early 30s were the golden years, nice holidays, Sunday brunch, career progression. I never got where i wanted career wise, lived on a very tight budget in my 20s although i enjoyed a great social life. I don't have the benefit of being a young mum or an older mum!

Being a new mum was unbelievably exhausting, I'm a bit cynical when older mums thinks it's an age thing. Extreme sleep deprivation at any age is horrific. Older mums often have enough money to buy help (depends obviously on circumstances), younger mums often get lots of family help. I think the suffering is much the same at any time. Those that have easy babies at any age are winning the lottery of life!

I had kids in my mid 20s and then another one in my mid 30s. I have quite a lot of freedom as adult children are often around to babysit the 12 year old and my MIL was 25 when she had DH, so is still able to help with childcare when my adult two are away at uni.

It's just different circumstances. My career was stalled twice and it's been difficult to progress. I was lucky though and qualified as a teacher just before my eldest was born so do at least have a career rather than a job.

I guess the only thing I feel sad about with the youngest is he never knew me when I was young and really energetic. Also that we have so many happy family memories that he doesn't feature in because he wasn't born! But he definitely gets more one to one time with me, during which I am calmer than I was with the big two and can buy him more treats because we're not scraping pennies together (I didn't work for a few years when the big two were little).

Swings and roundabouts, grass is always greener and all that. Acceptance is the key to this, I think.

None of us ever know what's going to happen. Sometimes you can think things are getting easier, then something happens, for example a child can get to the independent stage, then have a disability (the cases I know are after a routine virus, but it could be an accident or anything else), so we can't expect things will necessarily be a certain way, whatever age we're pregnant. It's also easier for some people if they have more help, so that's one reason people have kids early, as they're more likely to have more family to help, but that's not always the case.
It's usually easier to develop your career when you're younger, which is why a lot of people wait, but there are people who have started after their children go to school, and still got what they wanted. Swings and roundabouts, maybe.

Also while those with older kids don't do bedtimes or homework any more they are still parents often living with young adults, they still live with all the stresses of that. Your child free years were actually carefree, its not fully comparable to someone who can have a lie in on Sunday but still needs to cook for a family of 5 and share their living space, not to mention the ongoing worry and headspace that parenting a teen or young adult brings.

Also, I completely, 10000% agree with this. Once you are a parent, you are a parent for life.

Even when your children are independent adults, chances are many don't want to live massively far away from them, wouldn't consider travelling for months on end as they won't see them, especially if grandchildren arrive, still worry about them all the time etc...

In my 20s I had nothing to worry about but myself, my job, my boyfriend...a totally different level of stuff to a child. And I'm glad of that. I was able to make/consider choices I'd never make now as a mother.

I get you, OP. I wish I had them sooner, but life isn't ideal in many ways. It used to be the done thing to have children in your 20s, hence why (at least I think) 35+ is considered geriatric. But society has changed massively. It took me years of trying, failing and recurrent loss before I got pregnant with my first (19 weeks along now, so could still lose this one). I got so blessed this year as I got my mortgage all paid off earlier this year, so now the money that would have gone on the mortgage can now go on other things, like baby. You also don't know how long it'll take, some take years, some just aren't that lucky and never get there, some are successful on the very first attempt, so it's usually best to get cracking sooner rather than later, only if you can of course. There's no right time, really.

I do sometimes wish we had started a little earlier (I had our first at 33 and am pregnant with our 2nd now at 37), mainly because my DH is older than me so I don't know what life will look like when the children (all being well with this 2nd pregnancy) are old enough for us to start doing more major things for ourselves again without them (holidays etc). He will be in his late 60s. It just wasn't possible for us earlier really for various reasons.

I do think it's nice when I see couples in their 50s meeting up with adult children for dinner or something, when they are still fairly young themselves, still working, and not yet grandparents. I think parents still being busy and working takes some pressure off the children as well to constantly visit/be near and spend time with them while they're trying to establish their own lives and careers, or travelling or whatever.

However, I don't think I would exchange the freedom and fun of my 20s for it - trips with friends, nights out, holidays with DH, seeing shows and gigs...I think it's just one of those things where at the time I would never have wanted babies so early, but looking back now and enjoying being a mother, I sometimes think ah it would have been OK, we wouldn't have been so old when they're grown-up, would get more time with potential grandchildren etc. But the reality is I'd have been highly unlikely to go through with a pregnancy during those years so it's not really an accurate comparison.

So I can understand being a bit envious, but ultimately it isn't the right thing for everyone to have children in their 20s.

I had three DC by 28
i am now 49, am (what I consider as) at the top of my career, own a large and lovely home. Great relationship with DP (their Dad) and lots of holidays!
we travelled a lot with our children when they were young, and I went to Uni for degree and masters when they were tots which was ideal.
so - it’s not necessarily that having kids young means not having career and security when older.
BUT I really empathise with a pp - I had very few friends with young children when mine were little. I often felt lonely, or I was in groups with older parents- all good and made some lovely friends but never quite felt I could be ‘me’.
pp are right, there will always be sacrifices with having children, whatever age and stage we do it at, there will always be some challenges or negatives.

@Eastie77Returns comparison is the thief of joy.
Yes having children when in your 20s means you have more energy and avoids the class of hormones that comes with your childs teenage years and your menopause and doesn't necessarily mean that you wont have a career or owning your own home. But its much harder to get on the career path you want or saving for a house deposit, you also dont have the life experiences and sometimes haven't really finished growing up yourself before becoming a parent.
You have an established career, a stable home, life experiences and will still be able to travel and have "fun" again soon enough.
What I'm trying to say is there's pros and cons to having children both as a younger or older mum

I got married at 18, and had my daughter she I was 20, and my son when I was 21.

It was hard at the time. Low wages and no top ups etc, but we survived.

But, I did manage to sort out a new career pretty early which served me well. 👍

Everyone does their time, I get the envy now but its just a grass is greener now moment, YABU to think they had it easier. However hard it is at 40 or whatever to see friends not doing school runs it was a million times harder to be 25 and have no life. Also while those with older kids don't do bedtimes or homework any more they are still parents often living with young adults, they still live with all the stresses of that. Your child free years were actually carefree, its not fully comparable to someone who can have a lie in on Sunday but still needs to cook for a family of 5 and share their living space, not to mention the ongoing worry and headspace that parenting a teen or young adult brings. Also as an older parent mixing with younger ones, you know at least they get it, because they have been there, you can still share your thoughts and struggles, whereas when they were in the trenches you probably didn't give a shit. They probably learned not to bother telling you what was going on, not saying you are not a good friend but it's a fairly universal fact that friends of young mothers are oblivious to the hardship.

Sometimes I wish I had more energy to give to my toddler as a younger mum but I spent my 20s and half my 30s exploring the world and pushing myself and really not wanting children until my 30s. Because I had that, I’m really happy to focus on my daughter now and not feel that I’m missing out on anything.

I’m in the middle and not sure I have or will benefit either way.

kids at 30ish. Too skint to travel and “live the life” beforehand although was able to jointly buy a house with husband and have a holiday every other year. Career ok not amazing. Now in 40s and knackered, career better, kids not going anywhere for another 6 years (uni), and paying for holidays with 4 “adults” and a CoL is crippling. Maybe in ten years we’ll be kid-free in terms of costs (uni/housing etc) but I can foresee the health issues on the horizon that could well sap the fun out of our later years.

I wonder whether kids in your 20s or 40s gives you a good run of time one way or the other, but kids around 30 doesn’t? Probably no ‘ideal’ way so make the most of what you’ve got.

positives and negatives for both, I had children early/mid twenties and I never had the opportunity to build a career and save money, I’m stuck renting and probably never buy. I’m envious of women that have a decent career and able to buy a property before having children. But on the other hand by the time I’m early to mid forties my children will be adults but then I missed out on enjoying my twenties when I had the energy to want to travel and have fun and me time.

I’m the opposite as had my dc in my 20’s and had bought a flat prior, friends laughed at me scrimping to pay my mortgage as they took mini breaks on the new low cost airlines, they laughed at me moaning about sleepless nights with my dc but now I have the last laugh because my dc have left home, more mortgage is paid off and I’m quitting work for good at 55, jealous is an understatement. They had more fun in their 20’s whereas I’m planning a gap year, well years in my 50’s

Comparison is the thief of joy

You really can’t compare your path to others!

No matter what age you have children there are pros and cons…

Someones perfect age to have kids may be different to yours, not to mention some times it’s out of your hands (infertility, loss, not meeting the right person)

You don’t know how your old friends feel, having children in your 20’s comes with its own challenges. Your friend is very blessed to have 3 kids by 28 but I can imagine that was hard for her. There may have been times where she felt like she was missing out on travelling or socially.

I think hindsight is a thing but you’ll never know what your life would have looked like then.

You are so lucky to have 2 gorgeous kids, to have lived in your 20’s and early 30’s what an opportunity to live abroad.

Feel blessed!

You had your free time in your 20s when they didn’t. You are seeing what their lives are like now their children are grown up but not what it was like when they had young children.

I had my DC mid 20s but either way has pros and cons.

Some people are never happy, don't want the hassle while you're young or the hassle in your 40's.
We can't have it all.

I think, with kindness, yabu to be seriously envious. As pps have said, you had your twenties to have free time and late nights etc. I wouldn't really want to do those things now I'm in my 40s.

My best friend is 40 and TTC at the moment. Not out of choice, she just never met anyone she liked enough to have a family with who also felt the same about her, until now.

What choice did she have except wait or do it completely on her own which emotionally and financially would be very hard? I know it happens, but choosing it is different and quite different to even coparenting with an ex or something.

Do you feel two different versions of you did those two stints of parenting?