To feel envious of friends who had DC in their 20s.

We spread our 3 kids out but we started mid-twenties and have finished by the time we were turning 30.

There's pros and cons. Most of our similar aged friends and family members don't have children so we can 'compare' ourselves to them. Generally we are the poorest/least disposable income, have the smallest, messiest, dirtiest house in the poorest state of repair, spend the least time together as a couple with obviously way the least dates etc, have the least hobbies/personal time (mixture of both no time, energy nor money), never travel abroad anymore (money and logistics), I have one of the poorest paying jobs even though I graduated with a first class degree and so on. We have very limited family support even though the kids GPs are all young - DH went NC with one (abuse), another went NC with him and then died, another became disabled by cancer, and the remaining one still works more than full time. Siblings and friends etc all work or have their own kids or don't feel confident to help with kids or it's just not on their radar at all as they're busy enjoying themselves (rightly so).

Do I regret our decisions, no, there are positives too. But I'm just pointing out the negatives cos you have a "grass is greener" feeling at the moment and it often really isn't!

It's impossible to have everything. Whatever you do, something has to give somewhere.

I've never questioned the way I did things because it was what wax right for me and I'm still happy with that choice.

It is what it is.

I had mine mid 30s as that’s when I met DH. So I couldn’t really have done it differently.

Some people have kids really young and it doesn’t go well. But some really make a go of it and yes, I am envious of them.

One acquaintance of mine had a kid straight from uni. Not sure if it was planned, I get the impression it wasn’t. Then had another one soon after. Then started working and climbing the corporate ladder rapidly.

Shes now mid to late 40s and her eldest daughter has had a baby so she is a very young gran. Very high up in her job so has a lot of flexibility to do babysitting two days per week (saving her daughter a fortune in childcare costs) and the family just generally seem to “have it all”. Her mother is still only in her late 60s so also helps out with the baby (her great granddaughter).

But I guess there’s more to it than that. She is obviously just the type of person who was always going to be successful. Her husband has also always been very dependable and a big part of their joint success.

But I also know a lot of people who have had kids young and haven’t managed to have a career and who’s partners haven’t stood by them etc.

so you really can’t compare. It’s not that straightforward.

I was 16 when I had my DS. Then I had my DD’s at 29 and 32 respectively. It’s really fucking hard whatever age you do it, but it’s harder when you’re younger. I didn’t get my teens or my twenties to myself, and now I won’t my thirties either. I don’t regret it necessarily…. but I know I’ve not made it easy for myself really. I managed to do a degree when I was in my early twenties, but I’ve never used it. I’m lucky because I’m a SAHM and my DH has done very well for himself, but I do wish I could have had a career and lived a little bit more rather than just always being a mum.

I met a lovely lady at my antenatal class - most of is were early or mid 30s having our first babies due to the area, she was very early 40s. Her first too though, I assumed... nope, surprise fourth baby, her older children were all close in age mid to late teens (all same dad, her DH). They'd got married straight after uni and deliberately started their family in their mid 20s and been actively planning finances for early retirement and travelling in their early 50s, when the children should all have been independent adults in their 20s.

Oops.

You can't always plan these things (obviously they could have decided not to go ahead with the pregnancy, or been sterilised, although that's not always easy to get done, but they hadn't and were starting again almost...).

Me too. First at 26, second at 40.

I don't feel either has really held me back. I'm much more physically tired this time round, but otherwise feel I'm in a much better position.

It's chaotic and a knackering, but I secretly quite enjoy that and chuffed I get to do it all again.

If I had to choose I think I'd have preferred to have them both later rather than earlier. Not so I could do more fun stuff earlier on (I did plenty of that), but because it's easier to be a parent in a more stable stage of life, and I feel I'm kind of over the desire to travel and go out boozing. I like family time and feel content, but also tired.

I married when I was 21, but didn’t have kids until I was 32. We struggled with fertility issues and IVF, and my second child came naturally at 35. I took some time off to focus on starting a family and have been a stay-at-home mum ever since.

Sometimes I wonder if I should have concentrated more on my career, but honestly, I was so focused on having a family that I wouldn’t have changed that. Now my youngest is starting nursery and I’m facing the reality of starting over job-wise. My eldest has SEN, and we’re in the middle of the EHCP process, which adds another layer of complexity.

I definitely feel the need for energy I don’t always have! Childcare is a challenge with a child with SEN, but I do want to work. I have no family who can help with childcare. At the same time, I feel really grateful I have two wonderful kids, and that makes everything worthwhile.

The absolute only reason I wish I’d had kids in my 20’s is that I will have less time with them in this world now.

I didn’t want kids when I was in my 20’s. I had a fucking blast building a solid career, travelling and being very lucky on the property ladder. But I do wish I’d been able to conceive earlier in my 30’s.

Me and husband did lots of nice holidays and frivolous things in our 20s and early 30s. Now got a toddler in late 30s. We are loving it. Yes it’s abit tiring bur certainly don’t feel we’re missing out on anything. There’s pros and cons to both. We had fertility issues that we prob wouldn’t have had if we’d started earlier but it all worked out which way e are so thankful for.

I think the sweet spot is having kids late 20s- early 30s.
means you have had a few years of living the fun young life, travelling, partying, putting in all the hours at work to get your career going etc. still young enough that pregnancy and little kids isnt too exhausting. Kids all grown up by yhe time you are 50 so you still have some good years whilst earning a decent amount so freedom do to more luxurious travel etc and parents are hopefully not yet old enough to need intensive care.

I’m in the middle- had mine at 26 and 29. I’m almost 40 now and they’re approaching 14 and 11 and it’s all getting much easier. I have friends with kids in their late teens and friends who have just had their first babies- there’s a huge variation which is great. It is what it is, there’s no point dwelling. Like a pp said, it’s the same number of years raising the kids whether you do it first and have free time later or free time first and raising kids later.

I had my children later in life mainly because it took me that long to find the right father for them! I sometimes wish we’d met earlier and started in our early 30’s but we might not have been in the right place then.
most of the friends I know that had children late teens/early 20’s are now grandparents (I’m 42) and are feeling that they have to provide childcare while still working full time and missing out on all the travel and adventure that they promised themselves they would have when the kids were old enough. Yes I’m tired with a 5 & 2 year old but I have a very solid family unit and a secure life, so I’m happy with that trade.

And finally, we are in a better financial situation now. Our kids have left uni with no loans or debt. No way could we have done that for them if we had had them in our twenties.

And my kids have now left home and we are having a very nice time without them in our fifties!

I am the opposite. What kept me going when I had my children in my early 30s, was remembering that I had lived my twenties to the full. I had had flatmates, travelled, made loads of friends at work and had a wonderful time as I established my career and found a partner and then married and bought our first flat. No regrets at all. Quite the opposite!

Like you @Eastie77Returns I had a great time in my 20s and had my DC in my early 30s. I don't think the travelling / partying would have been as fun in your 40s.

I had mine at 30 and 33 and given my time again would do exactly the same. My carefree 20’s in the fabulous 90’s were some of the best days of my life. My friend had her second set of twins at 47 (her first were 17) and the thought horrified me. My DC are now leaving uni as we’re heading into early retirement, the timing is perfect.

I had mine at 30 and 39 (wasn't meant to be such a big gap but apart from that I've no regrets). If I'd had them earlier there would have been so much of my 20s life I couldn't have done.

Postgraduate degree/ legal practice course (had to do this in the evenings while working full time to support myself and pay the course fees) to qualify as a solicitor. That took from age 23 to age 29. No way could I have done it with kids in the mix as well.

Got on property ladder, no way would I have been able to save enough for deposit if I had kids.
Had a lovely wedding and enjoyed just being married with no kids between 26 and 30.
Some nice holidays and festivals with friends - wouldn't have been affordable or possible with kids. (No grandparental care. )

Nothing to do with sleeping around and getting pissed up! I was with my husband almost all of my 20s and we're still married now.

I'm now 51 and youngest has just started secondary. I'm the only one of my main friendship group with such a big age gap/ much younger child and I've missed out on a few nights out etc but overall it's all good because I've loved "doing it all over again". In fact my youngest suddenly seems very independent and off out with her friends all the time and I'm wondering what to do with my new found freedom!

You've got to play the cards you're dealt and try and enjoy the game!

I was the opposite to you. I had them young - after uni, but still young.

At toddler group I was always pretty much the youngest mum until I was on #3.
Of my (and dh's) friends from school/uni only one has dc similar age. All the others have children who are at least younger than dc2, and most are younger than dc3.
When I was looking at secondary, they were talking about nursery/primary.

But now, we have an empty nest and they're still in the midst of it.

There were disadvantages: I don't think the dc had anything new unless it was underwear or a present until they were at least 8yo. We've never been abroad (cost of 5 passports is more than we'd have paid for a holiday when the dc are small). There were things we'd have liked to do/opportunities for the dc that we just couldn't afford.

But actually I am very happy with how we did it, and wouldn't exchange it. I had energy for the dc which I wouldn't have now, for example.
I'm sure our friends are just as happy with their choice.

And I also have the advantage that when I tell people how old me dc are, they exclaim how young I look. I suspect I look my age, but they think I'm about 10 years older! It's nice and flattering though. 😁

In terms of time spent in each phase of life it’s pretty much the same. DH and I were together for 20 years before we decided to have DC when we were well into our 40’s.

During those 2 decades we had an amazing life travelling the world. We did way more than friends we know who had children at a much younger age. I’d rather do loads of travelling in my 20’s and 30’s than in my 50’s and 60’s.

The big difference though is finances. We both built up really good careers before having DC. We are now in a far better position work wise and financially than nearly all our friends who had children at an earlier age.

It is much easier to maintain a senior job you already hold when DC arrive than it is to commit to working your way up to one while caring for young DC.

Of course for many people external circumstances dictate the path they take and much of this type of discussion is purely theoretical as not all options will be open to all people throughout their lifetime.

At the reunion I noticed how many have so much free time now their DC are in their late teens/twenties

Well yer can't have it all ways!

You had your free time in your 20s and in time to come your children will grow up and then you'll have some more free time, if you're lucky. Or you might be sandwiched between ageing parents and grandchildren, just as other women are, no matter when they had their children!

I did both! Had two kids in my 20s, got divorced, met someone else and had another two in my late 30s/early 40s! I don't regret any of them, but it's meant going to University in my 50s and travelling, at last, in my 60s 😄

Precisely this….I’m the opposite to you….did uni and got a house early 20s….but then had 3 children before end of my 20s …..I’m 60 now….children long flown….3 GC age 10, 8 and 7 who I spend a lot of time with….still lots of time to spend with my Mum ….and lots of time with my partner ……have travelled lots from age of late 40s when mortgage was paid off and kids became adults…..we all do it differently

If it makes you feel any better I did both 🙈 what a moron. I’ve been at it 25 years and will most likely still be at it into my mid-50’s 🤮

I would have been an awful mother (and wife) in my 20’s or early 30’s. So, I had a fabulous time, instead. I traveled, got several degrees, I had lots of sex, I partied far too hard, advanced my career and basically Peter Panned it for as long as humanly possible for a woman.

Met DH and had DC in my late 30’s. I’m much happier, more contented and considerably richer than I would have been if I’d had kids at 25. And we all benefit from that. (Also, I’ve got some cracking stories.)