Mortgage free but DH wont let me give up work

Have you asked him if he'd like to give up work and be a SAHD?

Maybe he is expecting you to grow your career so that he can do that, especially if he has done the early years (and paid off the mortgage which is quite an achievement).

And you clearly have an anger issue yourself. This is the second thread on which you’ve posted exactly the same comment about them being ‘ragey and clicky’. Newsflash. They’re not. Some people actually come to MN for genuine support and advice so maybe remember there’s an actual person involved here and stop treating the forum as though it’s your personal playground.

I agree.
Your children are at the most trying age - you can up the work hours once they are both at school. At those ages it is the most effective time to have more time for them as you won't be paying for expensive nursery etc.

It sounds like you are doing all the other jobs in the home to make up for having a smaller salary - so that you can do all the other jobs in the home.

Just because he earns more doesn't give him the right to dictate to you. You are supposed to be equally co-parenting and working together as a team. IIt sounds like you've taken a hit in your career, sacrificing a higher wage, pension, savings to allow him to plough ahead and earn more. I bet you are the one who will be expected to cover for the 3.pm afterschool pick ups, take them to afterschool activities and cover for all the school holidays - whilst he continues to rise in his career and complain that he pays for everything.

Why can't you do it on a temporary basis? and then while you are off, plan to retrain or whatever is necessary to get your career and independence back again.

I hope you manage to have a reasonable conversation together about how to navigate this as its no joke being exhausted all the time.

So sensible and practical

only think to add is to save a bit for the kids too

i haven’t read all the posts but think it depends on your income and how significant that really is. If you are doing tho lions share of the household jobs and working full time then it’s fair there is some compromise if your salary is quite low - maybe part time work if not giving up entirely. I think if we had the option for me not to work and spend more time looking after the children and doing all the household tasks then my husband would agree to it. The fact he got so angry about it is the most worrying part - you should have been able to have a sensible conversation about it.

Your problem is he views your financial contribution as less so thinks you should also do all the child raising and im guessing housework? Push back and either he does half the domestic work or you reduce your hours

I”m not sure why OP is getting all the hate, I don’t suppose she is proposing to sit on her arse all day. There might be savings in childcare, dog walker etc and some people would be happily to plonk all the domestic crap on the other partner. I know someone in a similar position but still with a small mortgage. One adult DC not at home ( not my friend’s bio dc), friend gave up her below average paying job to be a 1950s housewife, saving on cleaner and gardener. She does everything around the house and garden, and I mean he does not even put a cup in the dishwasher. She even gets up at 5am with him to do his breakfast and make a packed lunch for him to take to the office. Does perfect dinner parties for work colleagues, goes to the gym, gets Botox etc looks 40s rather than late 50s, honestly it’s like the Stepford wives. But they are both happy with the arrangement. It’s not for me, I’d be throwing things at him but she hated her job and is happy doing domestic drudgery and flouncing around and he’s happy not lifting a finger once he gets home

What if you were to go part-time?

Write a list and he does half of everything in it. He will soon realise how exhausting it is. Personally I think part time is ideal with kids at that age as its relentless when they are little.

I would say keep working its always good to have your own income/money.
However...you have said you're working full time and you're shattered from looking after the children. Are you the one doing the bulk of the childcare? If so, why? If you're both working full-time then the childcare needs to be split 50/50, along with the housework, washing, cooking etc. You need to sit down with your husband and talk about this.

YANBU. It seems selfish when your salary is so low and the family would benefit from you being a stay at home mum. I can see why you would resent him.

If you are to continue working full time then you stop doing the lions share of everything. Otherwise he's taking advantage. 50% housework, 50% cooking, 50% childcare, 50% household admin, 50% school drop offs and equal time off work to cover child sickness etc. Stop going above and beyond for his family, that's his responsibility.

My exH wanted me to carry on working full time when our two DDs were little. He also wanted me to organise all the childcare, be the go to if they were sick, carry the mental load of the home and parenting … I chose to LTB. Best choice I ever made!

YANBU my DH has never made me get a job in our 30 years of marriage. He's always looked after me and the DC financially. I raised now the kids. Now they are all old enough to look after themselves (for the most part) I just work part time

How about part time? It's always best to have some extra money coming in if you are both able to work. On the other hand, being miserable and exhausted isn't life so could it be possible as a break for a while? Xz

What is your salary vs the cost of your mortgage?

How much is childcare?

I could never give up work whilst my partner continues working full time.

But if you’re paying out for childcare then it makes sense to reduce your hours, especially if it means that you do more with the kids and cooking, cleaning etc.

If you and DH work the same hours, then u assume parenting, chores, admin etc should all be 50/50 regardless of salary.

I’ll be the odd one out and say no it’s not unreasonable. You have young children, what’s so wrong with dedicating yourself to them? You can return to work in the future if need be. My mother was a housewife (never worked) and cared for me and my sister. I have a wonderful relationship with her and she was always there for me as a child. The role of the mother is extremely important but it is not valued nowadays.

Hello,

The opening lines about DH and the mortgage being paid off by his stocks and shares, suggests that you don't feel equal in your relationship?
You work full time, can you both reduce your hours?
As you are looking after children, is this because they are your grandchildren?
If you are being used as unpaid childcare then that's a discussion with your children.
Don't treat yourself as being inferior, you are not.

How much does he pay into his pension monthly? If you are working and doing the lions share of the childcare, housework and home admin, start shovelling more money into your pension - if possible, to exactly what he and his company are paying in to his (you can pay in your whole salary if you want, btw).

Tell him you’ve realised that of course, you do need to continue working to get your pension up, especially since you took time out on maternity leave to birth his children, so you are making it up now.

If that means he has to pay all the bills, that’s too bad. Your pension pot becomes your payment for the childcare, housework and life admin that he doesn’t do!

Hello, you are lucky to have cleared your mortgage, but you used the terms his stocks and shares etc., I'm guessing DH earned shed loads more financially than you?
You are in this together, you work full-time, do you feel 50% valued?

Can you both reduce your hours.
Also are you being used as a non paid childminder?

Not sure why you’re getting such a hard time here OP.

he earns more money - but you work the same hours as him for less money?

but he doesn’t want to do 50/50 chores, cooking, kids, life admin, mental load etc etc

HE needs to make the choice then doesn’t he?! Either he picks up 50% of that or you work less/ stay at home.

if you’re firm on the above - they usually realise they are being twats and are happy for you to stay at home.

Could you both go part-time?

Unless he is prepared to take on more responsibility with the children and the home, he shouldn’t be stopping you from dropping hours.
When we had dc I went part time. Joint decision based on the fact that I was prepared to do most of the child care, cooking and cleaning. If you were doing the same anoint in the home - well yes that would be selfish but as it is, I don’t blame you at all for wanting to quit.

This! And amazed at all the women on here ignoring this fact and telling you to continue with two full time jobs.

It’s oh so easy for him isn’t it? Of course he wants you to continue. You working has no impact on him as you cover most things at home and to do with the kids.

If you both work equal hours then get him to do 50:50. He’ll soon see the benefit of you going part time. Oh and nursery is easier than when they go to school so he needs to start thinking of being at the at school gate at around 3.30 half the time (and 9am drop off too). Or employ childcare/ Nannies to do this. At more expense.

A full discussion to be had OP. You shouldn’t have really taken this all on and let him get away with it. It’s the opposite of equality really.

In the meantime, if you don’t have a cleaner/gardener etc get them. You are running yourself in to the ground and it’s not healthy.

And to be clear, I have not anywhere said the the OP should suck up doing the majority of the domestic work and childcare. I have actually said that she shouldn't suck this up.

However, she might have to suck up remaining in paid work and her H might have to suck up pulling his weight at home.

She says she does the lion's share of the work at home, we don't know exactly what that means or what the actual split is.

It has nothing to do with keeping an exact tally of hours, and nobody feels the need to do that when the load is split fairly. But when one partner feels that the split isn't working - which the OP currently does - then of course it makes sense to assess what each partner is contributing in order to try to find a better balance.

And yes, she might be better off divorced. Some people do. Then again, some end up being much worse off. Only the OP can judge if the relationship has got to this point. (But if things are heading that way, the H is unlikely to agree to putting her in a situation which may entitle her to a bigger share of the assets).