Mortgage free but DH wont let me give up work

Well, we don't actually know. The OP has said that both she and her H work full time and she does the bulk of the childcare.

Some posters are insisting that her unpaid labour must have facilitated his career, presumably by enabling him to work longer hours.

Others are saying that they both work the same hours and it's misogynistic to suggest that he was putting in extra time.

It could be either, but both can't be true at the same time.

So… you claimed housework has no value to the outside world, just pointed at that’s not true.

Well she'd have to go to work and look after yhe kids then by herself without his income as well. That won't make her an y less " tired"

She ( and any other woman ) are free to go it alone if they choose. They don't have to stay in a household with a high earner and mortgage paid off

Many women support their families but OP doesn't seem interested in being an earner. That doesn't bode well for her being the breadwinner if things take a drastic turn.

So we all agree that the best solution is for him to step up and take on 50% of the load at home. Which is exactly what the OP took from the thread, so that's good

You say that you bet he won't step up. I find that kind of defeatist attitude rather depressing tbh. Men are not incapable of stepping up. But if they choose not to do so, even when the unfairness is made abundantly clear to them, then how is it right to just accept that kind of misogyny?

If my DH refused to do his fair share of the load at home, even after the unfairness was pointed out to him, then I would take that as evidence that he had no respect for me. Far from just accepting that the domestic work was my destiny because I happen to be a woman and giving up my job so that I could do even more of it, I would be walking away from a relationship with a misogynistic prick that didn't give a toss about splitting things fairly.

Unpaid labour in this case, allowed the man to focus on his career.
America clearly has it right as that is what they work on in terms of alimony.
If she wasn't picking up the lion's share in terms of the unpaid labour, ya think he would've been so successful?
I think not
And the fact that he begrudges her a few years at least to spend on their kids is just bizaare to me.
Like how very selfish.

So what?

And if that happens it would just show that he doesn't value her and also that he doesn't want the best for his kids.
It would show what kind of person he is
And maybe that would be good for her tbh

It’s £20 ph for housework in London, more if you pay an agency that covers sickness and holidays etc.

Childminder is £300pw+, nanny £600pw+

I can tell you exactly how much it costs.

Housework has value to the people inside the house. Regardless of who does it.

Housework has ZERO value in the world outside the household. You can't tell Tesco, the council, the petrol station, Amazon, the plumber, etc. that you've done a good morning's housework, so how about they give you some goods, services or financial consideration in exchange. They don't care. The world doesn't care.

Do what you want inside your home but cash is king outside the home. Giving up the opportunity to earn spendable cash on a whim, because one is "knackered" from housework, is foolish to say the least. More sensible to scale back on the housework and insist on a more fair parenting arrangement.

In which case you know perfectly well OP could support the family.

Could you compromise by going part time, OP?

Realistically he doesn't have to do any of it though. He could walk away pay the cms and not have any of the aggro. Cheaper and easier for him

A bit of housework that apparently has “no value out in the world”.

Except of course if you to have pay someone else to do it, when you learn quite quickly how much it actually costs.

I am a solo head of household and yes, I do ALL the domestic and earn. I prioritize earning. Always have.

If they didn't have these discussions before TTC, they were imprudent to say the least.

Like I said, if he doesn't step up, she needs to scale back,but scaling back on earning should be the last resort. Scale back on activities, belongings, etc. first. We all are responsible for supporting ourselves financially.

I don’t think we can be sure that poster is not doing all the domestic, she may think that’s women’s place.

The two young children appear to have been forgotten in these arguments… it’s just a bit of housework apparently.

I love how you’ve brought it down to ‘cleaning toilets’ and forgotten about the two pre school children that may need some care at some point….

Again, diminishing the shit at home so the man gets away with not doing anything. Because all there is to do at home is clean toilets eh! Easy! The woman can do that in 5 minutes. What is she moaning about? Why is she tired?

It’s this attitude that prevents women advancing in their careers! Downplaying all the other shit so women feel inadequate when they can’t juggle it all. The goal here is to get the man to recognise and contribute at home - not downplay it FFS!

One could be equally curious whether she signed up to be the primary caregiver. Did she ever indicate she was willing to do that?

We don’t know she’s on a low wage merely that it’s “small” compared to her DH. If he’s on 500k she may be on a perfectly respectable salary.

Would they have the same standard of living with either single parent post split? I doubt it, people rarely do.

I would be curious to know what was discussed before TTC. Did the husband ever indicate that he was willing to be sole earner? What was discussed re division of household responsibilities?

You don’t do all the domestic though and earn - that is the issue here.

I bet your partner chips in. As it should be!

OP’s DH does not. The solution to that is to get him to do 50%. However this is so entrenched now that I doubt he will.

Would she, on her low wage? Would they have the same standard of living the breadwinner has provided?

I have always supported my own household (I'm a woman) but then again I have also always prioritized my ability to earn a living.

Agreed.