Mortgage free but DH wont let me give up work

You’ve no idea what she earns. As I said before if he works in finance on 500k, many good professional jobs would be peanuts in comparison.

@MrsBennetsPoorNervesAreBack

Afaic our conversation ended yesterday. You’re the one who tried to restart it today merely repeating what you've already said.

Except how you’re actively inventing stuff. If he chooses a higher lifestyle on the back of his higher wage that’s on him. There’s no reason why her wage plus the portion of his that is equal to hers would not support their family, everything above that is optional window dressing.

Furthermore you made up something I have never said:

You say that the domestic work probably won't ever be shared equally, so she should just accept this and reduce her hours/quit work in order to accommodate it.

Never said anything of the sort, I merely wryly observed, as did others, that the solution of 50:50 at home may well never come to pass.

On this type of wage it is usually supplemented with benefits.

Exactly, if she earns as low as she says then it’s likely she can’t afford to pay half her kids costs or her own living expenses. No matter how clean your home is, paying for roof and board always come first. Or you will be cleaning your tent and caring for your kids in that.

And yet people across the country support their families on cleaners’ wages, carers’ wages too which are similar. Essential work you seem to despise.

I was always brought up, and I brought my children up to respect low wage jobs, I hope they never take an attitude such as yours.

Yes, I'm repeating myself because you and other posters also keep repeating themselves.

To some extent, he may actually be carrying her at the moment as their lifestyle may well depend on his higher income. But that wasn't the point that I was making, and I agree that she is certainly carrying him in a different way by doing more of the domestic work.

Her proposed solution - in which she would quit work and keep the kids in nursery for 3 days a week so that she could have some time to herself - would involve him carrying her, so I don't see why he is unreasonable not to agree to that.

You say that the domestic work probably won't ever be shared equally, so she should just accept this and reduce her hours/quit work in order to accommodate it.

I say , if he genuinely won't step up (and we can't actually know whether or not he will), then why would any woman choose to stay in a relationship with a misogynist man who clearly has no respect and refuses to do his fair share of the domestic labour?

I don't see your position as being in any way championing women's rights in the way that you seem to think it is.

A a lot of stuff that SAHP do is busywork, not necessary and certainly not more important than earning.

Households, furnishings and activities can be pared down and streamlined for efficiency and so that the earners can focus on their careers.

Um yeah I have, clearly

The fact she does more domestic chores than him doesn’t mean she’s carrying him, give over. All that stuff can be outsourced. Plenty of families both parents work, plenty single parent families with major jobs, and it works. No one is carried as someone washes their pants.

Could you both drop a day at work? More time with the children and not a huge drop in income?

Who’s us? You haven’t even figured out this man isn’t pulling his weight at home. Most on the thread picked up on that a long term ago.

From the attitude that she’s working FT and doing the “lionshare” of the domestic work/childcare while he’s not pulling his weight.

The entitlement is strong in this one.

I did. Your message is clear. None of us are confused.

Exactly.

My career success has never depended (and never will) on whether there's a "little man" at home. Nor does most people's. If anything, families are a hindrance to career focus and mobility. How that myth ever developed that SAHP "facilitate the other's career" is a mystery.

Oh dear, it would have been sensible to read all my posts before grasping the wrong end of the stick.

She’s carrying no one. Where did this dinosaur atttidude come from?

OK, keep telling yourself that.

Housework is VERY low-value work, as is seen by the low wages it commands in hotels, residences, etc..

It has some financial value if done as a service business by a third party. It has little value, other than aesthetic, if done for oneself or one's family inside one's own home. It's life, not work. It doesn't pay the bills or have any other value in the marketplace.

I like a clean home so I put in a good bit of effort. But that effort has zero economic value. It won't buy food, pay taxes, fund my retirement or fuel my vehicle.

He’s not carrying her though, shes been carrying him for some time.

You’re just repeating yourself: yes the domestic work should be shared equally; no it probably never will be.

Are you quite ok? You do understand there are millions of single parents and double income families who hold down jobs and raise kids,right. You’re posting like it’s thr 1800s and the big man needs a little woman ar home to enable him to,work; my toes are curling.

Housework inside one’s own home has a value to it if it’s done by someone else.

So it’s not true it doesn’t have a monetary value to the outside world, what you mean is it’s unpaid work if the homeowner does it themselves.

And that's fair enough, but he is not interested in carrying her either, so the solution is for them both to split the load more equally.

It's totally fair enough that the OP isn't happy with the status quo. That doesn't mean that her H should be obliged to accept any alternative that she proposes.

The default position is that they should both be responsible for half of everything - half the responsibility for providing financially, half the responsibility for caring for the kids and half the responsibility for domestic work. Anything which departs from this requires negotiation and mutual agreement.

No.

What I meant (and thought was obvious) was that housework inside one's home has no value to the outside world. The housecleaner doesn't get extra money for cleaning her own toilets, that's life.

If the OP went out cleaning in others' homes, her business/service would have value to those other people. Expecting to be financially supported for cleaning one's own home is unrealistic, especially if one's domestic partner/spouse/etc doesn't believe the housework has that much value.

His attitude isn't good OP, he's keeping score. Do not give up working and therefore your independence. His attitude now indicates how he would be if you split up - he does not value the non monetary contribution to the family that you make and is taking all the credit for your fortunate situation, therefore he will be miserly if you ever do find yourselves divorcing. Behind every high earning "hard working man" is usually a lower paid or unpaid woman who has done the grunt work to enable his high earning career. And they hardly ever value that.

Keep working, start saving, get a stocks and shares ISA of your own!

She is working FT.

She’s not interested in carrying her DH.