Mortgage free but DH wont let me give up work

If a man doesn't want to do something and is forced to, he will not do it properly, lest he be asked to do it again.

Sometimes, a wife who stops working, convinced the house would be better for her attending to everything, is fooling herself. How many modern women really want to do the housework and nothing else?

Sooner or later, boredom sets in and gradually the house isn't so clean any more, DH comes home from work faced with resentment that he wants his dinner on the table and a clean house, and DW sees herself as a house drudge without any outside activity, because there isn't any money left for entertainment since she gave up work and became a lacky.

Why so negative? One day a week isn't enough. You employ someone two or three hours on two or three days.

Of course a home help or cleaner will do anything required of them. I have had no experience of anyone refusing to do anything. That is the whole point of employing someone, and you pay them with the money you earn working. Why would you doubt that? The more responsibility they have, the more likely they are to stay, especially if they know they are needed.

Many domestic workers enjoy the work, especially as they can name their own hours. You are also giving work to someone who needs it. They are self employed so you don't have to get involved with that side of it, just ensure that they have a permit to work in UK if they are from abroad.

Nor is there any problem with employing people from other countries. If they are allowed to work in UK, in my own experience they are very good at what they do.

I personally (and from observation) think families with small children run more smoothly if one parent at least can work part-time. It is less stressful for everyone. I think he is unreasonable if he is refusing that, tbh, especially as my bet is OP has to do all the family support (cooking, kids etc) on top of her full time job.

I think it’s important to have help at home. But also I found a cleaner once a week doesn’t cut it. Yet sometimes the DH thinks ‘that’s the cleaning sorted so I’ll do nothing’

The help at home would need to do everything you would do if you were at home and not working full time. So clear up after breakfast every day, tidy, take the kids to nursery (or look after them), do the laundry, any admin, garden, do the food shopping, cook kids tea and clear after, take to any after school clubs, make adults dinner and clear up after..

Like a housekeeper or live in nannie/ au pair. Though I don’t think Nannies that clean exist?

In parts of Asia they have live in Nannies and a housekeeper with young children and they don’t work! My friend from Singapore thought I was insane to work with two small children and no help at home. She may have been right.

Have you considered staying full time and having a home help to do the housework?

You don't sound as though you enjoy housework at the moment, as you have to do it all yourself. You would be surprised at the number of mums who go out to work to pay someone to do they housework they don't like. They can get the best of both worlds - working and seeing other people and taking an interest in life outside of children and housework - and coming home to a house without having to start cleaning.

No more rows as to who does what, more time to spend with the children, and the chance to save for retirement.

Sometimes it is possible to have your cake and eat it.........

His obligation, not a right but a responsibility, as a partner and parent is to be a partner and parent and he’s not doing that. I don’t understand why people are still defending his ‘right’ to not be the only one working in paid employment. She’s the only active engaged parent and that’s not a right, it’s just being the only one who cares enough about the children to deliver on the responsibility every parent has.

How would you feel if he asked if he could stop workimg?
You are being lazy and entitled. Sorry to be so blunt but you asked for opinions.

Having a sahp, whilst the other parent takes on all of the financial burden is a joint decision. It isn't for one person to decide unilaterally and your dh obviously isn't on board.
If you both work the same number of hours, dh should be doing an equal share of the household/ child related 'tasks'. If this is the case, making it more equal will stop you feeling so exhausted.

You know the price of everything....

She asked for advice, I’m not going to tell her what she should do.

I’ve never said anything so simplistic as he definitely won’t step up - I hope he does.

In the first instance I suggested he takes on 50:50. If he does, she may find she feels differently about working FT. If he does and he doesn’t like it, he may feel differently about her working PT. Hopefully they can arrive at an agreement satisfactory to both.

It’s true that ime the guys who are happy with 50:50 generally do it from the start. But sometimes a wake up call is sufficient. We don’t know which way this will go.

I certainly don’t think women should do more domestic work (unless they want to) as I loathe it myself and have always paid for cleaning and ironing. If I could have a chef I wouldn’t do any cooking either.

Well, obviously, but she has chosen to ask for opinions on an Internet forum.

You have made it clear that you don't think the current situation is tenable, and that you don't believe her H will be willing to take on his fair share at home. So she can either leave, or she can reduce her hours/quit her job so that she can continue to do the bulk of the domestic labour herself.

I think she should push her DH to do his fair share and leave if he refuses to step up. From what you've posted, you seem to think it would be reasonable for her to step back from work so that she can carry more of the domestic load.

Or perhaps you have an alternative suggestion for her?

It’s not our place to say what she should or shouldn’t do. It’s up to her and her DH to sort out.

And yet of course he has unilaterally foisted all the childcare onto her without her consent. Which is why she considered drastic measures to accommodate him.

OP says nil about career progression, so that’s purely speculative.

OK. So you agree that she shouldn't reduce her hours or quit her job, then?

Plenty of men are super enthusiastic about having kids, but don’t step up to the legwork when it comes to it.

Only in your head.

I'm not making it up. It is the clear implication of your argument.

Why don’t you both drop a day?

I said from my first post on this thread that he should step up and do more if he isn't contributing half the childrearing and household work.

But she isn't asking for that, and she doesn't seem interested in progressing in her career. She is asking for him to financially support her and the entire family, on his own, indefinitely. When the chips are down, earning income is more important than anything done inside the home. For those concerned with stability, solvency and long-term financial planning, that is.

HE doesn't think he earns enough to do so, and it's his call. One can't unilaterally foist that burden onto someone without their consent.

Do you have a partner? If you do it alone then yes well done.

But surely you can see in terms of equality and women being able to progress at work. Chores and childcare needs to be equally split between both partners if they are working full time

You don’t get a medal for running yourself in to the ground.

Completely agree with this.

And men who don't want kids or aren't interesting in the day-to-day aspects of childrearing should refrain from producing them. Too many men cave in or "go along to get along" when in reality they are lukewarm or indifferent about becoming a parent. And then their lack of interest shows up.

Men who want kids should plan ahead to do 50:50 care and not expect to rely on the support of their wives for the majority of domestic work and childcare.

It’s not low skill work actually. Some of the lowest paid work takes great skill - like care work. I don’t think about people’s work in terms of their wage, merely the value of their work. So my parents’ wonderful carers’ work is priceless.

And the monetary value of my housework thanks to my lovely cleaner is £120 pw. I know this as I pay it.

Well said. Earning should always take priority. Most households can be streamlined and organized so that upkeep is efficient, and most people can pare down activities to make them fit around earning.

People who want to take time out of the workforce for whatever reason should plan ahead and save ahead to support themselves, not expect anyone else to support them.

i don't despise it at all. What an absolutely absurd thing to say. As my dad always said, "To work is honourable. Any work." And I prize a clean and tidy house.

But the reality is that in the marketplace it's considered low-skill, low-wage work. And done in one's own home, it has zero monetary value whatsover. I've never received goods or services in exchange for cleaning my own house, making a doctor appointment, doing my own household's laundry or mowing the garden.

And I doubt very many people really support multiple dependents on solely cleaners' wages.