Mortgage free but DH wont let me give up work

OP I hope you’ve read the comment about it being important for you to work in terms of financial independence and pension. So many women make themselves financially vulnerable by not working and having zero pension. X

How much parenting/housework does he do?

No, it's absolutely reasonable to push for him to take on a fair share of the parenting, but the OP can't just unilaterally decide to reduce her hours. It has to be a negotiation.

Working part-time might be a better compromise, esp if full-time is pushing you into 40% tax or higher.

Cut in income vs cut in childcare costs.

Do your sums. And make sure you have pension provision for yourself

We were not older parents and I was earning the same as my DH (low 6 figures) but my DH wouldn’t let me give up work and be a SAHM either. He said that a) I’d regret it and b) we needed the money coming in from my work to set up our futures and in case either one of us was forced out of a job, we should always have 2 incomes.

My kids are now teens and he was right. My income has definitely improved the quality of our lives and I’d be totally bored and feeling a bit lost if I didn’t have a career now (this has happened to quite a few of my friends).

At the end of the day, if you don’t both agree then you have to keep working. One thing I did do is use all my salary to outsource everything when the kids were tiny so I wasn’t as exhausted. I had a cleaner 2 days per week. An ironing service. And a live-in nanny so no rushed nursery drop offs and pick ups.

If I had had a low paying job as opposed to a high paying career I might have fought him on it harder though.

There is nothing unreasonable about not wanting to be the sole breadwinner.

How much do you have in savings and investments? That would be a key factor in my decision making.

You are being unreasonable around stopping work- but there is absolutely a conversation that you need to have about splitting kids responsibilities and housework. He needs to have a reality check about what 50% of home related activity look like.

I'm going against the grain here. I don't think you're unreasonable at all. If your wage is tiny compared to his and you're shattered from doing most of the house/kids stuff on top of FT work then this is NOT a fair balance and you should absolutely reduce your hours. I get him not wanting you to quit entirely as that's a big psychological pressure on him to be the sole breadwinner. But you should definitely go down to three days a week, have the kids one day and take one day for yourself as a buffer/catch- up day. HE is being unreasonable.

Cut him some slack, at least his earnings have put them in a very strong financial position. To be mortgage free at a relatively young age has provided financial security for the whole family and if it's from his earnings and investment decisions, he shouldn't be lambasted because he doesn't do as much housework. I say this as breadwinner myself who works full time and having just paid off our mortgage at 41 but I still do the lion share of the kids/housework/life admin

Op
If you come back to this thread
Why don't you give us a break down of all the domestic stuff you do ,such as washing, cleaning,cooking ,admid ,kids ,bath time , bedtime ect ect
And a breakdown of what he does
I guarantee,your exhausted because your working full time and doing the lions share of everything else .
People won't think your being unreasonable then x

Any man who cannot see the value of one parent spending time raising their kids - I mean honestly! Older parents too as you say so will have less time in general with them potentially. My husband literally said just yesterday that those first few years he was building his business and that he had no customers that at least he got to pick up our daughter from school and spend some afternoons with her. Invaluable time that he is so glad he had. I also remember when I was concerned about staying home and looking after our daughter when she was a baby and toddler and we were quite broke that my mother asked - did we have food? Did we have hot water? Could we about pay the bills? Then spend some time with your child. The rest in my mind is just material - or immaterial! What are we in this short life for - to build wealth?

You know you’re being unreasonable surely? The fairest thing to do if you are both working full time is to make sure home and child related things are split fairly evenly.

Yes OP start working more and doing less at home. Focus on the children and do the minimum. I’m willing to bet he’s one of these men that doesn’t lift a finger, oh but wait he earns more so that means he does t have to. Urgh!

So you are mortgage free because your husband paid for the house with his wages and savings. Yes he is still committed to working and you want to give up work?

How is that fair?

yeah my DH mentioned the same, that I earn enough and we can manage without his salary, so why can't he just..not work. I hope he was kidding. Well, I laughed anyway. Why would I want to work my backside off to fund a healthy partner retiring in his 40s, so he can relax, have time to himself, potter around and do his hobbies? What if I wanted to do the same?

If you are exhausted and feel you can't cope, look into getting some help around the house (cleaner etc), maybe going part time, or also asking him to do a fairer share of housework and childcare.

So you both working full time
So when the kids are home everything should be split in half
He should be doing half the cleaning half the cooking and half the childcare .
Anything else isn't fair
If he starts to pull his weight ,you might not be so tired.
Start to insist he does half of all domestic shit ,and you might find he decides he would prefer you at home covering his half of domestic chores

You have lots of other options before giving up work.

lower your hours.

split childcare and life/house admin equally.

hire out fir jobs in the home like a cleaner/send out washing etc.

You might find that if he is having to do more of the housework and child-rearing either 1) you will be less knackered or 2) he will see the value of your domestic labour and consider something like part-time working. Ignore the people jumping down your throat to call you selfish. Right now you have 2 jobs and he has 1, sounds like he's the selfish one. You need to stop working a double day and make the invisible work visible.

What about a career break? But getting back into work might not be easy. I’m guessing you’re about 40…. What will you do when the kids are at school?

Start splitting house and life admin and childcare equally if you both work full time.

But can you see that wouldn’t be fair? When would he get a few days to himself? If you’re doing most of the childcare around working then that’s what you need to address with your DH, you need a better split of that. Or propose that you drop a day of work.

Yeah it’s selfish - unless you are offering him the same deal

house renovations are expensive

I do the lionshare of the kids stuff

Well, the obvious question here is - why?