Mortgage free but DH wont let me give up work

How much is the childcare currently? Would you stopping working and taking care of the kids be close to breakeven if you don't earn much? If both your qualities of life were better if you stopped work and it didn't seriously affect your total income it might not be such a bad thing. If he has a fair bit of savings income you could pay less tax on that as well. You could go back to work when the kids are in full time school. I would think it's worth a serious discussion not a blanket no. It's not like you would be doing nothing as some posters suggest, looking after the children full time and taking on most/all of the household stuff is pretty much a full time job, and you could both relax a bit more evenings and weekends.

I think the exact numbers and responsibilities here are crucially important. Is your salary a good one, just a lot less than his - so it does make a difference to the overall income in a meaningful way? Does he do his share of the child and house-related chores? If you give up work are you giving up a job, or a career?

I think there are good reasons to do it and good reasons not to and ideally as a couple you should be able to make this decision together. What is th elonger term plan once children are at school? Are there compromise options - you reduce your hours perhaps or change career?

Another in agreement.

It’s not selfish and it’s perfectly legitimate to want to look after your kids when they’re small.

Bear in mind that some posters on MN are very preoccupied with money and others are very angry, jealous and aggressively critical of mothers who don’t work. Some are both.

Your children will only be small once. If you are struggling with work and care then negotiate with your DH for a reasonable compromise.

Maybe instead make your sons realise that working is just one facet of running a household and children with housework and childcare making up the others - and everything needs to be split fairly. If both are full time the starting point is 50/50 on both.

Otherwise your sons are exactly the type I would be telling DD not to marry

What about you both reduce your hours / days working to give you both a bit of head space?

I completely agree. You should definitely be working part time. Whats the point of working full time to then pay to put the children in a nursery, surely you’d save more money by going 2.5 days per week. You’d still be earning but you’d get a bit of a break and time with your children.
I think it’s completely unreasonable that he wants you to continue full time, you can always increase your hours in the future if extra money is needed, but as the mortgage is paid off unless you move house there might not be any need to.

I agree.

Why isn't he doing his fair share? Childcare and household chores need to be 50/50.
Your time is worth the same as his, regardless of how much you earn

id be angry that you're telling him you're shattered and he doesn't seem to care.

To not even suggest taking on more himself to lighten your load is unreasonable!

How long can you sustain being completely shattered?
You had two DCs close in age, your body didn't have much time to recover between pregnancies.

And housework how is that split?

if you both work full time that needs to be split
equally

discuss with him the impact of school runs etc and school holidays how is it all going to work

to get a fair split of everything

Until I became freelance I was 3 days because it made sense as I took on far more household and childcare

Does he do literally 50% of all domestic stuff, childcare, planning ahead, christmas, food thinking, shopping, cooking? literally half of everything that you do?

The fact that you say how tired you are tells me this is not the case in your house.

That figures, because it's extremely rare. I can count on the fingers of ... one finger the families that I know where this is genuinely the case.

We all know this - so ignore all those posters who are telling you how entitled you are.

They are themselves pushing an ideological (misogynist) line that assumes that women should work harder and longer hours than men, doing some or all of his share of the shitwork.

there are plenty of families where one partner goes to work and the other stays at home and looks after the children, house etc.

there are, but that should be a private agreement between the 2. You discuss these things and agree on the details.

What you can't do is expect your partner to work full time AND do all the childcare and the house chores

This is the kind of thread that makes me want to advise my sons never to marry. You might end up with someone who wants you to pay off the mortgage all by yourself (presumably on a jointly owned house, thus meaning a significant transfer of capital) and then just ‘keep working’.

I think people are being a bit nasty to you OP, probably because they are jealous that you are mortgage free.

It sounds like you both work full time but you are also doing all the child and house related stuff because he earns more - is that right?

I think that may be where you both are going wrong.

You both have the same number of hours in the day, so you both need to be working for the same number with the same amount of totally free time. Sounds like at the moment your working hours are far outstripping his because he’s working one job and you’re working two + a bit more (paid work, children = two jobs, and housework being the bit more).

You and he either need to-

1. divide childcare and household tasks so that they are evenly split - genuinely so
2. you cut down your paid working hours so that your hours of overall work equal his.

It’s a total red herring that his wages and “stock” have paid off the mortgage and fund more of the bills - you’re both equally human and deserve the same time to rest.

What are nursery fees compared to your salary?

I’m not sure why you are getting such a hard time here OP.
there are plenty of families where one partner goes to work and the other stays at home and looks after the children, house etc. We are not in a position to do that but have discussed that if we ever were, that is exactly what we would do, and as I am the lower earner, I would quit / reduce work.
The difficulty here is that you both have different opinions. If he is not on board with it then there’s not a lot you can do, unless you could agree for you to reduce your hours instead of quit completely. If it is still a hard “no” then you have to have the discussion of him pulling his weight at home more. Once he sees what’s involved, he might change his opinion.

I think your husband is beyond unreasonable
You've both worked hard to get to this stage in your lives where you no longer have a mortgage. I expect you delayed having children earlier for the same reason

I don't know how much you earn but take away from it childcare ,commute,probably buy preprepared food in stead of cooking from scratch, perhaps a cleaner,how much better off will the household be?
There is absolutely nothing wrong with being a house wife and stay at home parent. Its a very noble profession.
You shouldn't have to grind yourself into the ground when you're very comfortably off for the sake of a couple of quid. Those who think it is are either snobs or deluded .

We both work full time & are older parents… we have 2.5 & 3.5 year olds who are at nursery. Im generally shattered working full time & looking after kids when we have them

So - he wants you to work full time and do most of the stuff at home? That isn't on but there are two ways of skinning a cat - he insists you both work full time then he does half of everything - I'd allocate the days so eg he does all childcare on Tuesdays and Thursdays (including drop offs pick ups and sick collection as well as feeding and bathing etc) and all cooking laundry and housework on Monday Wednesday and Friday and you each have a chore free morning at the weekend and family time weekend afternoons. If he doesn't like that then maybe he needs to accept that you are doing the full time parenting and housework so to make thigs fair you should only be doing part time work work.

I don't disagree with the husband, but your post is complete bollocks and really insulting to all the SAH parents around.

You don't need a salary to "put something back into society" and having a crap job is no better example than not having a job for a few years.

I don't think you're being unreasonable. There are plenty of men who would be comfortable with this arrangement and would appreciate their wife taking care of the kids and house full time and see the value in it.

It's just your husband isn't one of them. Your husband disagreeing doesn't mean you're unreasonable. Does make it pretty impossible for you though, you obviously need his support to do it.

Many people on mumsnet will call you unreasonable out of jealousy of the thought that some women can do this and have support to do it. They have to call it unreasonable and a bad idea to convince themselves they actually have it good having to work.

Childless and employed here BTW, so no skin in this game... Except perhaps I was a child once and would have much preferred a loving parent to the nurseries and babysitters and detachment I got....

could you compromise and work part-time?

Some people idea of a full time job is a 35 hours week 😂. Reduce that, and you keep your job and income, and your chances to going back full time if needed.

If you reduce the childcare cost, and take on more kids and housework because you work a lot less, everyone benefits.

Kids should be the priority ultimately.

No is the answer. What if he got ill/made redundant?
Don't you want to set an example to your kids that adults need to go to work and put something back into society? Or do you want them to think it's ok to hook a rich partner and be bankrolled through adulthood?

You know you are being unreasonable. Does he work much longer hours than you? If you work the same hours, he should pick up more of the house/child work.

I think dropping hours to fit in around the kids is pretty standard, did you ask him about that or straight in with not working?
I can understand that work doesn't feel worth it some days but I'm guessing he doesn't want to be the only income coming in to the house.
I think it would be worth writing down what you could drop your hours to and working out how much nursery would reduce against what you would be earning.

OP if you want this lifestyle you have to find a partner who is happy to support it I’m afraid.

If a 2.5 yr old is at pre school and you're earning very little surely it's just not worth it. Financially. Better investment in home and family health/organisation. Maybe if you sit down with him with a clear plan and timescale - the youngest will be in school in two years. Short time period in the bigger picture. Or both part time?

Maybe focus on switching jobs to a flexible one that works around primary school? You'll be less tired but still bringing money in for those extras.