Mortgage free but DH wont let me give up work

Being a feminist seems to mean now slogging your guts out at home and work and barely seeing your children. That kind of life works for some women but certainly not all! Lots of women like being at home and being a homemaker. Here’s a thought: let women decide themselves, and what works for them, and their family.To me it often seems just a modern form of the old adage of never letting a woman relax and enjoy and decide what she wants to do. I don’t even describe myself as a feminist now as it’s a meaningless word co-opted by the likes of Meghan Markles, and it means dumb things like being able to put up a shelf (on MN) which I don’t even want to do.

Ignore the angry women who patrol MN. You do you and what works for your family. Obviously, you will have to discuss this with your husband, but I would’ve thought you could at least go part time. TBH he does sound rather domineering and uncompromising, why don’t you get a say? But it’s hard to tell from the outside, as only you know him and your relationship.

I was responding to an pp who said “it’s fine for him to say no”.

No it’s not. Only a boss has a final say on your working hours. If he can say no then so can she. He doesn’t get the definitive say.

In a relationship an issue needs to be discuss and an outcome acceptable to both negotiated.

I'd be reluctant to give up work and be financially reliant on your DH. From the small snapshot you have given here it doesn't sound like he considers you an equal and values your contribution. That is only going to get worse if you were to stop working. Part time might be a goof middle ground, and he needs to step up and do his bit around the house and with childcare.

Me and my husband both did reduced hours in turn to look after the kids when they were small. It’s a perfectly normal and reasonable thing to do.

The other thing is childcare fees and not putting the children’s needs to maybe also not be full time if it can be avoided.

Mortgage free here too with teens and never thought about giving up as need something to do - freelance around them (because the idea that teenagers don’t need parenting is wrong and housework)

my hours vary sometimes it is quiet and sometimes it is full on so we discuss and adjust accordingly - which took time but we are better

It’s not about men being the boss, it’s about both people needing to agree for one give up work. I’d consider divorce if DH was just like “I’m giving up work, you’re the sole earner, fuck it if you don’t like it I’m doing it anyway”

Shocked at the responses! I think it is logical for O.P to give up work for a couple of years instead of paying nursery fees. If you can afford to enjoy time with your young children then do it. Once they are older/at school then O.P could return to work x

Presumably if you are low paid it would make sense for you to drop one day a week and look after the kids that day, instead of paying nursery fees?

I only voted that you are being U because for some daft reason you put kisses at the end of your post.
Just why?

He needs to do more household/parenting stuff. But a SAHP needs to have both people’s agreement. And he’s not wrong that spare money can be saved for emergencies, and for your children in the future - he’s not wanting you to keep working for luxuries for him.

If you work the same hours then you should do a split of housework and childcare. If he won't do this then yes drop your hours.

By the same token it’s fine for OP to say no to him saying no. It may surprise some MNers but men are not the boss.

Things cannot continue as they are so OP needs to reduce her hours or he needs step up to do 50% of the graft.

you are completely misunderstanding my post and ignoring what I am actually replying to.

We all know that women do everything = well, no we don't because that's just no true.You having a bad experience doesn't mean all of us are stuck with useless men and fathers.

And again, irrelevant, because what OTHERS do has no impact on the OP

I did say it's unreasonable to expect her to work the same hours AND do all childcare and house stuff - I even said she should go part-time

I’m mortgage free so not jealous and I’d be furious if my husband suggested he gave up work as he was knackered and I had to keep working ro pay for everything, fuck that.

he’s right, relying on one income is never advisable. Howver he should pull his weight based on the hours they both work and the commute.

Yes, he is right.

You need to work on your balance

perhaps you both give up a day a week

perhaps you use some of the spare cash for help in the home

perhaps see your doctor - you should not be shattered with what is just normaL life. Perhaps you just need to take a day or two leave to rest up a little

its unreasonable to expect someone to pay for you - the pressure and responsibility is exhausting

It's fine for him to say no OP.

But it's obvious the division of labour is a bit uneven. So that needs a proper conversation. Is he pulling his weight at home?

I reduced my hours when we paid off the mortgage. DH was fully on board but remained FT (his choice). Maybe you could compromise and drop a day or similar and he could do the same? The idea of quitting altogether does seem rather extreme.

I think full time with such young children must be exhausting. Yes, I know most people do that nowadays but it does seem a shame that your husband wouldn't consider maybe 3 or 4 days a week?

I am mortgage-free myself but I still work full time as does my partner. But my dc are young adults. I do not plan to decrease my hours or stop working until I have to as I do enjoy my job.

Eh? Of course it impacts whether she’s being unreasonable if she’s actually doing more than him overall, once childcare, shitwork, and mental load is included in the tally.

not for misogynists, obviously- but for the rest of us, that’s clearly unjust.

If you both work full time, then he needs to do 50% of the house/kid/mental load stuff too. He can't have it both ways. That said, giving up work completely is probably unreasonable. What about doing 4 or even 3 days? Which would account for you doing 60-80% of the home stuff.

Reduce your hours, yes. But give up work completely? No.
You have young kids, kids are really expensive especially as they get older.

We do as OP says she does “the lionshare of the kids stuff but Im permanently exhausted”

Yep.

no, we don't ALL KNOW this, because it's simply not true

and frankly completely irrelevant here.

Even if 99% of all the other husbands/ fathers were doing 75% of everything, that would be of no help to the OP anyway