Mortgage free but DH wont let me give up work

Men are not the boss, obviously. But women can't just opt out of financial responsibilities simply because they feel like it.

Assuming they both work similar hours, the OP has a right to demand that her H does 50% of the housework and childcare. She doesn't have the right to demand that he works to fund her lifestyle choices.

Tell him that he can only do his job because you are doing everything else and you won’t do it anymore. Give him a list of 50% of the chores for kids and house including drop offs, pick ups, bedtimes, laundry, cooking, cleaning, taking days off when they are sick etc. And if he says he can’t do his half because of his important job then let him find a solution for his 50%.
He can pay for a cleaner, a nanny, a gardener, someone to do laundry etc or he can have a reasonable discussion with you about the best solution for your family which might mean you stopping work until the kids are older or going part time etc.
This is a DH problem!

It’s a shame some posters were so nasty to the OP at the outset that she hasn’t come back.

Some of these YABU responses show a real lack of thought. Can people really not read between the lines?
this thread won’t have helped you op, quite the contrary. I would start again with
‘husband and I both work full time but I also do the lions share of childcare of our toddlers /housework. He seems to think this is my job. I am absolutely exhausted. His income is enough to support us all, as long as we keep it tight. I would like to go part time to keep on top of it all, but he is saying no.’
answers - completely and utterly different to those above, unless the incels are still around.

You’re getting shitty responses probably driven by envy.

in your circumstances I’d definitely want to stay at home and I’m so glad that when my DC were young we were able to create a scenario where we always had one parent at home or at least part time.

you need to explore why your DH doesn’t want you to give up work. Is he worried about losing the income? Or does he want to share the opportunity to work less? Perhaps he is worried about the stress of being the sole earner.

those are valid reasons, which should be discussed.

you also need to ensure he’s pulling his weight with chores and in your shoes I’d probably be looking at him o could increase my earnings because my guy is your DH is selfish and this is not a marriage that will last.

Sound crazy just for own financial independence and well-being if nothing else, do you share non work work …domestic chores etc….?

If you have surplus income I would keep working and use it to fund help like a cleaner, a babysitter once a week, etc. That would help ease the burden on both you and your DH.

Your last couple of lines is a huge “however” though.

This man clearly thinks the OP has to keep working ft and do everything else whilst he can just work ft.

So he’s not “right” - he seems to think the OP is some kind of robot/ appliance or slave to get the very most out of!

I do the lionshare of the kids stuff but Im permanently exhausted hence I wanted a few days to myself (selfish I know)

Not selfish at all. Sounds like he has cake and eats it too.

Why doesn't he do his fair share of kids stuff? Housework? Cooking?

Even if he earns a lot more, it sounds like you're pretty financially stable, therefore I would want a conversation about you both reducing hours - possibly by a day each - and sharing the load at home better. Could be good for everyone

Exactly.

Nor is forcing her to work FT and do most of the childcare, but that doesn’t seem to concern you.

If she doesn’t agree with his disagreement he has to come up with a compromise.

Do you pay into a work pension or private pension ?

If you are 40, your state retirement age will probably be 67 or 68

How will you fund your children, hobbies, socialising, retirement ?

Yanbu, I bet you work full time, do all the house work, the cooking, bedtime etc, because dh earns more than you, and I bet he comes home and kicks back.

Well now you know, 50/ 50 all the way

The fact that you do the lions share of the kids stuff was relevant info for your opening post. Otherwise people will assume it’s 50/50. The responses are skewed accordingly.

Hi OP,

When my DH and I had our DD I went back to work full time after maternity leave. We were mortgage free. We both worked in demanding roles, commuted and our DD was in full time childcare. The childcare/housework was skewed somewhat that I was doing more but it wasn’t ridiculously so. We were both exhausted and were very conscious that it wasn’t a great situation for our DD. We sat down and asked ourselves if this is the life we wanted for ourselves and most importantly for our DD, we decided it wasn’t. I gave up full time work (I did a bank shift approx once a week to “keep my hand in”) and stayed at home until my daughter started school. It gave much better balance for all of us and was better for our DD. I also took the opportunity to study to enhance my prospects when I went back to work.

i returned to work when DD was in school. A couple of years later my DH (who is older than me) was in a situation where he hated his job and it was causing significant harm to his mental health. After discussion we agreed he would take early retirement and I would be the main breadwinner. I have been the main breadwinner for more than a decade. I do not resent it at all. We have made decisions that are in the best interests of our family as a whole and that we have been lucky to do because we have no mortgage.

I would say that building up a savings pot for emergencies is important and thinking about how you can maintain your skills/engagement in the world of work is also essential. But at the end of the day, what is in the best interest of your DCs?

But if her husband doesn’t agree, she either has to put up with it or come up with a compromise (such as reduced days). She doesn’t get to insist that she stops work and he has to put up with it. Doing it without his agreement is not going to be healthy for their marriage.

What is your job, OP?

I ask because some jobs are very amenable to part time, some are not. Would it be possible for you to reduce your hours or to take some unpaid leave (which many are entitled to, but few take). That might allow you some time to refresh yourself.

How much do you earn relatively to what you spend on nursery fees? It might be that when you take into account tax, if you are caring for the DC on a day when they would be at nursery, you might not be as much worse off as you expect, especially as you say you are a low earner and you currently have 2 lots of nursery fees. I'm not saying its a "day off" in the same way if you have 2 preschoolers at home, but I find my "days off" with the kids i do still manage to get through some laundry etc and it takes the pressure off the evenings.

If DH is not taking his share of domestic duties then he probably doesnt value your contribution to this. Other posters have said you need to make him share the domestic load. I'm skeptical - its easy to say he should, but my experience is that men who don't pitch in properly are incredibly hard to shift on this and it is harder work to keep forcing them than just to get stuff done. But you might be able to present him with thr option of EITHER you reduce your hours OR you want to outsource some of the housework to reduce pressure on you.

I think its best to avoid totally giving up work at this stage in your life. There are so many unknowns (illness, separation, unexpected costs) that its best to maintain some flexibility if you can.

What is the plan for managing school run in a year or two? Full time workers sometimes struggle with the transition from nursery (long hours) to school (finishes at 3/3.30 and may or may not have suitable wraparound). Might that time, when childcare costs are reducing and children require slightly less hands-on supervision be a time that he would be more agreeable to you reducing hours? You might also have built up a bit of a savings buffer by then and he might feel less exposed.

He isnt your boss. He doesnt get to unilaterally choose. But you are a team and both parties should have a say in big decisions.

I think I might be in the minority here that doesn’t thing you’re being unreasonable? I stopped working for 5 years when my kids were little - but I took on all the housework, cooking and childcare. With how little I earned at the time and how expensive childcare was for them all - it honestly didn’t work out at that much different.

I feel very grateful that DH could see the value I was adding to the household at the time - even thought it wasn’t monetary value. It was exhausting too - I couldn’t wait to get back in the office by the end of it!!

It's reasonable to expect him to share 50/50 of childrearing and running the household, but not reasonable to expect him to financially support the entire family.

Mortgage-free is irrelevant. What if something happened to him and you had given up your ability to earn? Disability, divorce, death and other adverse circumstances happen when we least expect them.

That’s not what OP’s saying - she’s saying she’s exhausted working FT with the “lionshare” of childcare. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to take time out to look after the kids while they’re small.

The question I think should be asked is "what's best for everyone?" I'd list out all incomes, expenditures and investments and work out what the best solution is. It could be carrying on as is or it could include a less tired mother. A less tired mother is not just an advantage for the mother, unless the mother plans to play golf or do something else time consuming not helping the family unit.

Yes your DC starting school is the IDEAL time to give up work. Marvellous. 😂

Ok, so you you are misunderstanding my original post in that case.

I surmised that the domestic and mental load is not evenly split between her and her husband.

I made those claims about the rarity of an even split to support my surmise, and show that it was a reasonable one.

But as an aside, I think if you are claiming that most families have a genuine 50/50 split between man and woman, you are deluded.

Compromise by dropping a day or 2 given you're doing the lionshare of housework / childcare. Or get a cleaner, use a laundry service etc.