Mortgage free but DH wont let me give up work

We don't know that is the case.

Going against the grain, I think you are right. Your children are only small for a very short period of time. I say spend as much of that time with them as possible. Would he be more likely to say yes if you express it as being at home with them for a couple of years, just til the younger one is settled in school?

I think you are getting a hard time. If I am reading it right, you are both working the same, but you do most of the childcare and housework? No thats not fair. So either, you give up work (although I cant tell you how much I advise against this, keeping your financial independence is so important, especially as he doesnt sound that great TBH!), or you re do who does what in the house work and childcare. Dont know why people are being mean to you.

Dear oh dear.
In this case- guess what. There is already the best possible nanny / cleaner that there can possibly be who actually wants to do the job 100% It’s called the mother!
Why are we so keen on shunting mums out of actually being hands on mums?

well we don’t know exactly - given how many single mums get by The lions share may be more than anyone really needs to do

but clearly there needs to be a discussion and a better balance reached.

giving up work is a really bad idea if there are deeper problems

You could say that about anything though. You could work, hate is and resent missing out on spending time with your kids and drop dead at 45.
A full time worker with a SAHM could find the SAHM becomes disabled or passes away and then is unable to continue with that job and way as there is 3 or 4 kids to sort.

He needs to do more.
He doesn't appreciate all you do, so do a lot less that benefits him alone.

It sounds like he’s financially got you into this positive position and he will still need to work, yet you’re wanting to give up work due to his hard work. I kind of get why he feels the way he does

How about you suggest you go part time? 3 days per week will mean the kids get to see more of you and will mean school holidays are much easier to cover when that time comes. You won’t be so reliant on holiday club. Term time means you can cover all the jobs off so less housework at weekends or evenings for you both.

If he is insistent that you both work full time, you need to be insistent child related things and cleaning is 50:50

Well, that depends to be fair on how much of a high earner he actually is. It might be that he could quite easily pay for his half of household bills as well as a nanny/cleaner for his half of the week.

How much is your salary if you don’t mind me asking?

Your “small” could be someone else’s “big”.

It’s great that you’re mortgage free, but I can see how you giving up work could make your husband resent you and put extra pressure on him.

You say you work full time? So im assuming both children are in full time nursery? Could you go part-time at work? Or look for another job with part time hours?

Why not change to 4 days a week? That might make the difference you’re craving and give you a bit of breathing space.

The OP is already contributing to the house by doing the lions share of the childcare and household tasks.Without which Mr high earner couldn't do his job.

Whether it's fashionable or not, every able person should be earning his/her own living. And life can turn on a dime. If the breadwinner dies, is disabled or runs off, then what?

Both parents should be capable of supporting their family, and part of "being capable" means staying in the workforce, keeping skills and network up to date, contributing to pension, etc.

There are indeed other ways of organising family life, but the default is that both parents are equally responsible for everything - earning a living, housework, childcare etc. This means that alternative arrangements need to be agreed and negotiated between both parties.

It sounds like the OP is currently doing more than her fair share of the childcare (assuming that her H isn't working much longer hours in order to earn his higher salary), so they have already moved away from the default position. If she isn't happy with the current set-up, then she can of course push to go back to the default (50/50 responsibility for everything) or she can negotiate a different split that suits her better. However, she can only do the latter if her H is willing to go along with what she proposes.

Childcare is free for 30 hours now for most people so this is irrelevant to the status quo for most people

Going 50/50 on kid and household stuff is fair if you are both full time. Probably a better option may be to drop to part time ideally school hours once they are in school so you don’t need childcare, you can use that after school period for household admin etc too

My brother is the only worker with sahm and he has someone to do all the school pick up, cook all his meals, clean his house, do and iron all his laundry, organize the kids activities, do their home work with them …. I am jealous of him having a life in full time wife! If my son is a decent earner and has a hard working sahm and nurturing wife I wouldn’t mind as long as they’re both happy. I am breaking my back with burnout doing it all. Nothing wrong with dividing labour into a team if you’re a couple.

My friends (before they ever began TTC) arranged for jobs on opposite shifts. They raised two boys without ever paying for childcare. She worked days and he worked 6pm-2am. They were low earners but managed what they had very well, and didn't look for handouts.

Well exactly

I'll wager OP has done a shit-tonne of solo parenting and housekeeping which allowed him to earn that money unencumbered

Does DH do half the housework, childcare, running around etc etc?

If it's a perfectly equal split of all the work then I get your DH's point. I suspect it isn't though and you are doing most of the home stuff and childcare as he thinks he earns a big salary so he shouldn't have to do anything.

I would say fine I will stay working full time but we can get a cleaner at least to take the pressure off. If your salary is small do you see much of it after nursery fees? If your wage equals the nursery fees can you take them out and just put them in for the free 16 hours a week?

I have a bit more sympathy as a single mum who works full time and has a 2 year old. It is so exhausting working full time with young children and also you miss out on precious time with them when you're only home to do the slog work. Also if you're on a small salary is it even covering expenses of full time nursery? I think it sounds like you're doing more than your fair share at home plus your husband expects you to work the same hours. Would he consider doing more in the house if he wants you to continue as is?

Personally I think a good balance would be to look at part time so you still get some free hours at nursery but then have more time with the kids. It'll still be hard because time off with kids is not time off, but maybe it'll take the edge off.

Another man thinking that because he earns more he gets the right to sit on his arse when he's home. I hope that you are not going to say you are still 'on' 24/7 at weekends while he 'needs' his down-time after a hard week. Split the housework/childcare/mental load down the middle, then see how you feel.

There are sometimes other ways of arranging family life than putting children into childcare from just after birth to 18 and both parents ‘equally’ working outside the home.

I know it’s not fashionable on here but your kids are only young once. If you don’t need the extra money I think it would be fine to reduce your work hours and just use free childcare hours for the days you do work. Especially if your wage doesn’t cover the extra cost of childcare. What is the point of beating yourself and your children with a stick for the sake of work till you drop culture?!

Presumably your work over the past however many decades has been as hard as his with the only difference being pay? So your husband is bang out of order to say that your financial position as a family is ‘no thanks to you.’ Has he never heard of the gender pay gap? Ask him what the pay gap is at his company.

If you can’t come to an agreement on this, I’d be handing over half the household jobs, life admin and school runs till he learns some gratitude.