Mortgage free but DH wont let me give up work

If it was your money that made you mortgage free I’d understand but it’s not. It was his. Why should he pay for everything. Keep working and stop being a money grabber.

If the plan is aving kids at home and doing the lion's share of housework so when he's off work, you can all enjoy family time instead of both of you being exhausted, then that's a win.

There's a balance OP, where it can work if it benefits the whole family, not just you.

Swwms like he sees it as you having a jolly whilst nothing changes for him.

Well, that would be fair enough, I suppose. As long as the OP is ready to cover her 50% share of all the household bills.

On the one hand, people are saying that he has been able to work longer hours in order to earn enough to pay off the mortgage, and that this has been facilitated by the OP picking up more of the childcare.

On the other hand, people are complaining that he isn't doing 50/50 on childcare despite the fact that they are both working full time.

Either he is working longer hours in order to bring in more money, in which case, it seems reasonable for the OP to take on more of the childcare.

Or they both work the same amount of hours, in which case, he should absolutely step up and take on his fair share of the childcare and housework.

Maybe OP ears more than hiring a cleaner for a few hours would cost, and the family would benefit from that income?

(also my cleaner is much better cleaner than I am)

I don't know where and how this myth developed that earners are dependent on someone at home for their ability to perform well at their occupations.

My earning power has never been affected by my domestic arrangements, activities and obligations over the years. My skills and marketability are what they are, and I've always been able to organize around the needs of my employer.

People insisting that breadwinners couldn't achieve without "the little woman" at home are kidding themselves. And they underestimate the cost of having a full-time SAHS. Providing everyting for an able adult is VERY expensive.

YANBU OP in my books. I went back to work for a year after DC1. Then it became apart my full time job and being default parent was sending me to an early grave. Me and dh agreed I would be sahm.

Now have 3 dc (reception, pre school and baby) will go back to work when all are at school. In my eyes you never get these years back and they are precious. My husband wants them to have a parent there for them all the time and he earns well

This

Again, taking this thread as a hypothetical situation.

I am surprised IRL the number of women that are ' homemakers' whilst ' The Man' earns the money, goes golfing , jokes about not having a clue what the kids are up to etc.

These are women sometimes under 30 that do a few hours as a catering assistant at lunchtime at school, at the very most.

They have absolute nothing when the DH fucks off with a younger woman, and find they have to put up with constant infidelity so they have a roof over their heads.

If you both work full time why is it you that's doing the lions share of the kids related things?
If he earns more then you should be able to cut your hours. Your kids will benefit more from having you around more than money

Things don't have to be the same to be fair. But if they are not the same, then both partners have to agree that they're fair.

The OP doesn't seem to feel that the current set up is fair because she is doing more than her fair share of childcare. That is perfectly valid.

Her H doesn't seem to feel that the OP giving up work would be fair either. That is also perfectly valid.

So they either need to share everything 50/50, or they need to negotiate an alternative split that they both feel is fair. Neither side should be able to just impose their version of fair on the other.

Leave this man xx

But how much of that money that went to pay off the mortgage would have been there if he had to be responsible for dc 50% of the time.

Yes he earned more but only because he had time and space to do so.
Time for him to start splitting the child stuff, cooking, cleaning etc 50/50 and if he is unable to do drop offs/collections or any other house hold task tand then he needs to put dc in wraparound care on those days he is supposed to have dc and find a cleaner etc

If he isn't doing his share of the chores and childcare whilst you're both working full time, then he can't have it both ways. He either steps up with that side of things or accepts that you drop some of your days. My only reservation is that you don't want to get yourself into a position of being wholly financially reliant on him and with no pension. What if you ever split?

I happily do the lions share of childcare (and did, by working compressed hours) but I am very glad I outsourced all the cleaning and housework and used that time to build my career, my savings and my pension.

(And in doing so helped another mum have a flexible job she could do around her child care)

This! I don’t think things have to be the same to be ‘fair’. The early years are precious, you could spend more time with the DC and do more of the household tasks. As others have said, if he wants you ton work full time, he needs to do half of the household jobs or you can both decide to get outside help. I can’t imagine my DH or I insisting the other worked if it wasn’t necessary. We would either let the lower earner do more at home or both go part time.

Could you put it to him that you are struggling while the DC are small but have every intention of returning to work later? It sounds like he feels under pressure to be the sole provider but isn’t appreciating your contribution. If it was a temporary state while the DC are most demanding he might be more amenable.

And that's fine if they are comfortable with the arrangement, but not fine if they don't want to be the sole earner. Not everyone wants that pressure.

What if you get divorced at some point in the future? Sounds like you would get plenty of equity but you might need to take on an additional mortgage and you’d need to work. If you had been out of the workforce for years that could make things extremely difficult. Yes it’s a worst case, but certainly not impossible, scenario.

If you’re doing the majority of the child raising and house work and working full time then something does need to shift.

You’ll need to reach agreement on what that shift is if not stopped paid work completely.
Reduced hours.
him stepping up and doing 50%. Nursery runs, childcare, household tasks, cleaning and cooking. He needs to do more or he needs to find a solution.
Cleaner and other help at home.

He has every right to say that giving up work won’t work financially but what’s his solution?

What is your financial position? Savings, pension etc
What’s the plan for two children fairly close in age if they want to go to uni? You should be saving for this especially wirh a high household income as their student finance will be the basic loan.

I am not jealous. I think its unfair that the OP is working full time and doing most of the childcare and house work and this is what needs to be addressed. But I also advised not to give up work. My exH wanted me to give up work and be a SAHM but I resisted as wanted to keep some financial independence. ia m so glad I did as he left me after 12 years for his receptionist. My job gave me more than just a bit of money, it was a lifeline to my sanity and self respect in a very difficult time. The OP's DH does not sound great TBH so giving up everything doesn't feel like the right thing to do.

This.. and yes your husband had the ‘right’ to feel as he does, but I know a lot of husbands, mine included, who just want to see their wives happy and if they can afford it, are only to happy to be the sole earner.

I don’t think you're being unreasonable. If your salary is relatively low and you're taking on most of the housework and childcare, then it seems perfectly fair to me.

I know my view might not align with the majority on Mumsnet, but I often wonder how many of the responses on these kinds of threads are influenced by jealous, especially if you’re in the fortunate position of not needing to work

I'm not trying to shunt anyone out of anything. I have no issue at all with people choosing to be a SAHP if that is what works best for everyone in their family.

I'm simply saying that it's ok for someone to feel that they don't want to be the main breadwinner if that wouldn't work for them, and that nobody has an inherent right to be a SAHP simply because they want to.

And also to make the point that it isn't necessarily the case to suggest that high earners can only do their jobs because they have SAHPs to support them...because that patently isn't true. There are a few jobs where this may be true, but in the vast majority of cases, it isn't.

Agree.

I think first looking at household routine and jettisoning unneccessary tasks / commitments is a good first step. Sometimes people come up with busywork to fill their time, but it's not really more important than paid work.

Well that is what she has said, so we can only give advice based on what the OP tells us. No reason to think she is lying?