Mortgage free but DH wont let me give up work

Totally not BU and I’m really shocked at his response does he not want a more restful wife? I think you should demand it if I’m honest you’ve already worked harder than he ever will having had the 2 kids already and working up to this point. A lot of people saying YABU are probably projecting

He has to do 50% of the kids stuff if he won't let you give up work.

Gosh some of these comments, it’s like the 1950s came visiting, these years are precious, eh yeah they are all precisious, as is long term financial security for your kids future. They’d benefit from her being at home, she might be a crap parent and they’d be better off with other kids and where they are now.

they are our children for life, not just pre school.. and being a parent is much more than staying home in the early years, the kids future is key.

If you work equal hours out of the house then he can work equal hours in it

They've only had kids for 3.5 years.

And you think you're exhausted now???! 😆

They'll both be in school within 2 years. Just get on with it and stop moaning. At least your hubby has paid off the mortgage for you. You're in a better position than 95% of people in this world.

Joker.

Is he completely against part time? I think it would be really foolish to lose all financial independence and lose the extra income just because the mortgage is paid. My DH is pretty crap around the house but I don't work full time and don't plan to

Yes he earned more but only because he had time and space to do so.

He did? DH has worked and he has been a SAHD, it didn't affect my salary.

He doesn't do his share with the children now, so doubt he wants even more time.
OP, I think you should do the sums, see after costing everything, that you could drop, if you didn't work, what the difference is. Then could you realistically go back on the same wage further down the line? If it's still a no, then decide what he needs to do, so you are less knackered. Are you in peri? The tiredness can get unreal and this is when things can't be equal.

Refuse to do any more than 50% of childcare and household labour. Why should anyone have to work and do it all at home when they have a partner.

MN is very everyone should be 'equal'. Both part-time, both do equal drop offs and pick ups.

That might work in an ideal world but sometimes you just need to look at what works for you.

If you both have long commutes or one is local but the other has a commute then its obvious one will do more pick-ups than the other.

Promotion prospects are reduced with being part-time, so is it worth sacrificing BOTH careers or just the one.

Something nobody tells you, life gets busier when they start school.
Yes theres wrap around care, but theres also homework and the clubs the kids want to do plus the stuff you want them to do (swimming lessons, music lessons, sports, dance, gymnastics whatever). There's a reason parents joke about cars being Mum or Dads Taxi 🚕 and that all eats into your time..

This! I went back to work after child 1 and haven't yet after number 2 and my husband is openly reluctant for me to go back to work because he knows he'll have to pick up so much more home life 😂 It definitely sounds like you're doing far too much.

I was a SAHM OP and it was the best thing I ever did.

Most people on here though either couldn't afford it or don't want to be one - so most of the replies will be against the idea and say you're being selfish. It's just the general attitude on here.

The real sticking point though is that you husband is so against it, I don't really know how you get round that.

They are his kids too he should have the same right. Maybe he can give it his job so he can spend time with his kids and she can work full time.

I think you possibly would be unreasonable to want to give up work entirely but let me guess that yo udo the lion's share of all the housework and genearl running around after the kids?

My husband earns alot more than I do. We are also in the lucky situation nof being (almost) morgtage free. I work 80%, he works 100%. I do bit more of the general running around than he does. He does his fair share but the fact that I work 80% means I get a bit more done and he appreciates that. The 20% drop in my salary is worth it (according to him) for a bit more "headroom" as a family. Would similar be an option for you?

If you are both working full time then the domestic/childcare duties should be split down the middle as far as possible

I think it’s a mistake to give up work completely, but can you look at part time at least until the kids start school?

My advice is, yes sort out the domestic labour issues. But mainly, if you give up work your age do some serious financial research, the impact on your pension, your ability to survive if the worst were to happen (divorce, sickness etc).
If that is all covered then its more about getting him on board for a lifestyle change. Sell him the gains of the plan. What would be easier. A happier, less knackered wife? Lovely home and well fed family? A bit of DIY done. Activities planned, happy kids spending quality time at home? Sounds like he is not on board and sees it as you taking advantage so you either need to show him why it isn't you just being lazy and what the benefits are. Or, admit you are feeling kind of lazy and forget it. Or explain it is a temporary thing as you are knackered but have a clear plan to go back to work then they start school.

By your logic, he should see to it that his salary reduces so his wage is tiny too. Then he'd be equally entitled (and it is entitled) to jack in working.

I think people are being a little harsh.
I Think you should at least sit down and talk it through as an option with your DH.
How much less would you have a month if you factor in not paying childcare?
Do you have the type of job where it would be fairly easy to get another one in 3-5 years when both children are in school?
Does he even want to stop working and look after children all day instead? If he doesn’t then it being unfair on him isn’t an issue is it.
Why does he think it’s fair for you to work full time and do all the kid stuff too? Why isn’t he helping?
Do you do all the housework too or do you have a cleaner? Because you wouldn’t need to pay for that if you stopped working.
You being at home for a few yeywould probably be better for your children, that’s got to be a factor worth considering.

They share very young children she is not a money grabber what is wrong with wanting to look after your own children now and again! Money is not everything this is time she will never get back with those kids!

Could you both afford to go part time, is possible?

Or would your skill set lend itself to a term time only role?

the money you’d lose on salary would be made up by not spending as much on childcare.

Op I know a lot of the posters are saying you’re being unreasonable. I however think you’re entitled to a few days a week to enjoy your children. My DH was keen for me to be able to look after my children when they were small so it’s a situation that is odd to me. Can you even reduce hours to give you a break?

I can’t believe your replies OP. Your kids will only be this young once and seeing as you are doing the lions share of their care outside of your full time job then it is completely reasonable for you to go part time or even leave work completely whilst they are this young! Of course you are shattered!

Give me strength! Have we slipped back to the 1980s or are we in 2025?

What about you pension contributions? Are you assuming that you will have enough to retire on?

What happens if you divorce? Are you going to hope that you will get enough state pension? Get online now and check your current level of contributions.

Honestly your job gives you financial freedom. Why do you want to be forever dependent upon your partner or any future inheritance?

It is fair enough he doesn't want you to give up work. It's a big burden only having one parent working, even if your outgoings are lower. Bringing up a family does cost a lot. There are of course other reasons why not many families choose to have a SAHP.

However, I would definitely look at options for reducing your hours. Your dc are v young and you would save money on childcare, so if you are on a low wage, it might make little difference to your income but a big difference to your lifestyle. Working 3 instead of 5 days is what I did, along with a lot of my friends, and it was a very happy balance. I increased my hours again as the children got older.

I hear you and agree with you. If you are mortgage free and don't HAVE to work 24/7 then seems completely reasonable and sensible to drop a couple of days and have more time at home. Everyone is a winner.
I think it's an impossible task getting everything done at home whilst firing on all cylinders at work and have time to be a relaxed fun and loving mum and wife. I don't understand the rage against you wanting more time at home with 2 very young children.