Mortgage free but DH wont let me give up work

I have no idea why everyone on Mumsnet seems to think equality is based on sameness. Things don’t have to be the same to be fair- or to be the right thing for the family.

if I was you, I would want to devise the labour by him capitalising on his ability to earn a much higher salary, and you capitalising on your ability to provide a lovely family life for everyone.

I think your husband is being weird and controlling, and I would be disappointed too. I don’t understand why he doesn’t want to optimise family life and show care.

And you don’t have to keep a low earning job now just in case your marriage doesn’t last forever. And I say this as a divorced person who earned an average wage, got divorced, realised I wasn’t earning enough and pushed myself to earn more. If you have to, you’ll figure it out.

if you need to in the future, you’ll adapt, that doesn’t mean you have to make life harder than it had t to be now.

Both partners have to agree if one wants to do significantly less childcare and domestics. DH has simply decided he’s entitled to this and does it anyway, without any consideration for his partner who has to pick up his slack and is now so exhausted she wants to give up work altogether to have time and energy to do what he expects her to.

But Both partners have to agree. Rather than one deciding to give up work and expecting the other to support them

There's a difference between staying at home to raise their young children for a few years and just deciding to give up work.

So why is that only important for the OP but not her DH?

But if he'd never supported you financially would you feel the same? Just because he fancied not working?

If so you have more patience than me as no way would I be supporting another adult financially just because they didn't fancy working

I agree, I’m shocked at the amount of pps hectoring the poor OP. The children are so little and we are in work for such a very long time. There must be no quality of life - both kids and children shattered after a long day, so it’s a quick tea, bath, bed before she’s getting them up early next morning and the slog starts all over again. No time to enjoy being a parent and weekends tend to be about catching up and preparing for the week ahead. What a life when it doesn’t need to be like this. No time to enjoy slow days.

Going part time then working full time later is surely the best solution

It’s not up to one side of the couple to decide they don’t want to pull their weight with domestics and childcare and expect their spouse to support that.

Both DH and I went part time to look after the kids at different points and we also were the main earner when the other did further qualifications.

So we were both happy to support the other to do less paid work for a while with a specific goal.

He was happy to support me when my kids were young, so yes, if I was the higher earner I would have been happy to support him being a SAHP.

Never said that was ok. But thats not the point. They can always get a cleaner in although with everyone out at work and nursery all day there be less mess than a sahm in the house with kids

The point is that it's not up to one half of a couple to decide to kick in their job and expect the other person to support them . You still haven't answered the question about whether you'd be happy for your DH to suddenly decide to leave work

Is it okay for the OPs DH not to pull his weight at home because he's the higher earner? Perhaps if he shared the parenting and housework more the OP might not be so exhausted and want to give up work.

How is that even a question?!

If I was the OP’s DH, I’d be pretty pissed off that my wife’s reaction to my hard work in paying off the mortgage was to step out of the workplace!

I was an older mum too only I had three. We were fairly equal earners but as I approach retirement and having put all three through uni, I am very glad I kept on working!

It is if he doesn't agree to be the only breadwinner.

Would you be ok for your DH to kick in his job to be a SAHD ? Without working things through with you first just because he wanted to, no matter what you want

i don't think bringing up his children is freeloading.

The "something wrong" is that it usually leaves the SAHP very vulnerable. They lose time in the workforce, earnings, pension contribution, skills, networking. If divorce, disability, death, economic recession, etc. strike, where does that leave them? For young couples, splitting assets 50/50 in divorce generally lowers standard of living and housing options significantly. So marriage at that stage of life isn't the protection it is when divorce happens at an older age.

Most people it happened to thought "it could never happen to me."

So you are wanting to give up work and have him support you after it's already him that's caused you to be mortgage free? Yeah sounds like freeloading and CF to be honest

@Deebee90

Really? If they've paid off the mortgage, that will be a huge financial weight off both their shoulders.

I suspect a lot of high earners think they HAVE to work full time, when they don't. What they have done is fill their lives with expensive things that are then deemed necessities rather than luxuries.

If the house renovations are the roof needing to be fixed, then yes, that's important, but other works, like building a new conservatory or patio, are not essential. The value of things like that do not outweigh the children's own mother looking after, or spending more time with them instead of having them in nursery so much.

Wow

The claim that all women would stay at home if they could probably isn’t true but is also rather telling - that some women would is presumably behind the aggression and abuse so many women get here who do some SAHP even just for a period.

You don’t need to win the lottery to make a decision to do that, just a DP on board who supports the benefits and the sacrifices involved.

Both of them need to pull their weight with child care and house work too,

Unsure why you’re bringing class into this.

Additionally, time with their mother is unmeasurable, but who’s to say that the husband wouldn’t want downtime too? He’s made them mortgage free so surely he’s a hard worker in his own right.

I would understand OP wanting to have a look at maybe scaling down to PT hours if she’s doing most of the childcare, either that or going 50/50 on home labour - but there’s no actual reason for her to be entitled to stop working altogether.

Plus if they’re older parent she’s had the opportunity to grow her income too in her pre-parenthood days, that’s hardly husband’s responsibility that her wage is so small she feel like it shouldn’t make a dent.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with one parent stopping work to care for children if BOTH parents agree that one will be the sole earner. The OP’s husband does not agree. So it’s not an option.
time to explore a) outsourcing some household tasks b) fairer decision of labour

Exactly . She’s taking the mick big time. All of us would rather stay at home but unless you win the lottery it’s not happening. Both of them need to work

@ChristmasSpirit99

This is going to be controversial but I wanted to highlight this bit of OP's first post:

"We are very fortunate to recently become mortgage free, due to a mix of my husbands savings, stocks & wage."

From this sentence I took it to mean that the DH in this scenario is hardworking, intentional and has potentially bust a gut to get to the level where he is getting rewarded with both a high salary, is able to save and also getting stock rewards. This is no easy feat.

After achieving that he has ploughed his earnings into making them BOTH mortgage free, as opposed to frivolous spending on some silly hobby etc.

IME You don't make those kind of earnings without some major work performance pressure and sacrfice (in my experience - corporate).

I feel like to unilaterally decide to quit because you are tired is really unfair.

It's a huge burden to be the sole breadwinner. Plus you have (presumably joint) plans to renovate the house. We also all know the kids get more expensive as they grow.

I think it's fine to discuss the division of labour in the home as an issue, but to just think of quitting a job completely for tiredness is really extreme.

Tiredness with young children is unfortunately par for the course and I think OP you would be best thinking about what would help you to feel less tired without lumping the burden of providing for the whole household on your DH.

I am not saying this to be horrible but I think that such a change in dynamic would not be good for you (in the long run - you never know what might happen in the future) or for your marriage. Resentment is hard to undo.

I hope you can find a compromise.

2.5 & 3.5 year olds who are at nursery

Of course you're shattered. You're both working full time and have small children, and you're doing the majority of the childcare. Of course your husband doesn't want things to change! You're working AND looking after the children!!

I suppose it would be absolutely unfathomable for people like your husband that there might actually be emotional value (unmeasurable by £s), to their own mother spending more time with them, and looking after her own children throughout the week.

Honestly why do middle class people even want children???