Mortgage free but DH wont let me give up work

Which, realistically isn’t that likely to happen. More likely he pays for a cleaner and OP carries on with childcare.

In relationships I’ve seen when the DH is compelled into true 50:50 they have changed their mind and said ok work PT quite quickly.

Jezo, Ive only read the first page of responses as they made me so sad but I sincerely hope you got some more positive responses after that OP.
What you are wanting is totally reasonable, it is so so valuable for kids to have a SAHP if it's feasible for the lesser paid parent to step out of working, real shame your husband doesn't support it.
I'm so glad my husband has always encouraged me to spend as much time with my kids as I can. I've always kept on a little part time work but that's just personal preference. I really hope you can show your husband the value of what you could bring to your lives if you had more time at home. Good luck.

I think its valid, we both work FT ,and we earn about the same.
He takes the kids to childcare and has them at wkends cos I work in retail.
I do the cooking 6 days a wk, he makes the lunchboxes and does the dishes.
He does washing at the wkends, but I do it on my day off, and I have to put it away (he says cos he does it wrong)
I do all the cleaning, he sometimes tidies the front room and takes the bins out.
I do full food shops, he picks up odd bits.
My commute is 50 minutes and his is 12, my working day is longer.
Anything for xmas, bdays etc is my responsibility.
Anything car related is his.
My kids love their pit so he gets a lie in every sat and sun. I get one when I have my one wkend a month off, as most of my days off i have to do the school run.
Is this an equal split? Cos im absolutely shattered all the time!
We do know that women do the majority, tho sometimes its cos it's just easier to know its done in good time and order.
Its not right, and its not OK. But I would be happy for him to drop a day, or even two if it meant I could do less!

Tbh if you don't need the money then it does seem mad for you to work full time with small children. We have a mortgage and I work part time so I am very present for the kids. Yes we could have more money if I was full time but I think all our lives are a bit easier with me part time.

Wow. I'm not sure what generation you are, or the people making the first replies to this, but 'not working' ie, not economically active, with a desire for a different kind of life is not a default setting that indicates selfishness. I know many families who have decided to live with a lot less money, one parent working, home schooling children who have chosen to live differently / more poor than most of us. It's a matter of knowing what your values are. How do they coincide with your husband? Rather than 'not working' what is it that you desire to do with your portion of the family's time? How might that benefit you and your family?

I agree.

Yes. So, given that her H doesn't want to be the sole earner, the solution is that he needs to step up and do his fair share of the domestic load.

I think that’s a fair assessment.

You do realise how much children cost?
Clubs, clothing, holidays, school trips, gifts all gets more expensive as they get older. Then possible University fees, and living costs. Then driving lessons/car. Then possible house deposits. That’s assuming you’re not paying private school fees.

Then house maintenance and improvements. Not cheap.

You're content for your DH to pay for all of that. Or should he stop working and you keep your job and pay instead?

With the rising cost of living OP I would certainly not assume that not having to pay rent or mortgage means you are financially secure.

Maybe you’re not in the kind of professional jobs with super long hours common in London. Parenting by text is definitely a thing - even the subject of a talk at my kids’ school.

As we’ve covered nor is it fair to expect a partner to work FT and do most of the domestics/childcare - which is the situation OP’s in.

omg how smug of him - as if money is the only way one achieves success in marriage
tell him you are going to work part time. -
you have lots of responsibilities for care - frankly i don't know how you do it
be firm

I think the problem here is that OP has already been doing majority of housework and childcare while also working full time. So now when she presents a proposal that she will "only" do the house part and no longer the earning part, there's nothing in it for the DH, nothing will improve for him. From his perspective, he has worked hard to pay off the mortgage - but family won't have more disposable income, as OP wants to quit.

So in OPs shoes, I would tell DH that current division of labour is unfair and needs to be re-assessed. Either he does his fair share or agrees that OP does less of the earning.

I think it partly depends on how much flexibility you have with your jobs as well. DH and I both worked very flexibly and it was never any issue taking time out for sick dc or events in school etc. Plus neither of us had long commutes and both had generous annual leave allocations etc.

I genuinely don't understand what you mean by "parenting by text". It doesn't resonate with me at all.

And that's totally fair enough if that set-up works for you and your spouse/partner. We are all different and there is no one "right way" of organising family life. But it isn't fair enough to expect the higher earner to be the sole earner if they don't want that responsibility.

I'd agree too.
There is a limit to how much childcare can be outsourced, our afterschool closes at 6pm, which can be tight for parents who commute.
Also Kids actually want to see their parents.

There is also travel its easy to travel to courses etc if you don't need to think about getting kids to school or do pick up.

I think it depends on the industry they work in.
Some roles can be done in reduced hours, doctors or dentist could easily have less patients on their books.

Being a manager of other people its probably not going to work if you are the person who is responsible and incharge of those people. I'm thinking factories or construction.

In some industries you will also limit your opportunities for promotion if you are part-time.

I agree. Never having to worry about the kids and negotiate time off sick when they’re ill especially if you have a sickly child with myriad hospital appts, never having to ring the plumber or do a food shop or even think about what’s for supper is very convenient.

I don’t actually think it’s the support for the spouse that is the major issue - it’s more time for the kids and a less time-pressured household. Parenting by text - is the reality when both partners are working long hours.

I find being the one with primary financial responsibility for the family to be quite a lot of pressure. If given the choice between doing 50% of housework and childcare or having a second working adult to share the load, the second working adult would win hands down.

Well I hate housework and I like my work, I also didn’t love childcare when the kids were small - so having a second adult to do the stuff I didn’t like was great.

I am the main high earner. I am a woman. My STBH works part time. I regularly work 12 hour days and often have to work weekends. My STBH does the lions share of during the week child care, housework, dog care. I would struggle without that level of sharing. It's not a myth to me at all. Of course i could manage, but the way we share the load helps enormously and i would definitely struggle. I would be paying for additional childcare, additional cleaners, dog care etc. it is unpaid work for him.

I agree with this.

What fully functioning adult without significant caring responsibilities thinks it's ok for someone else to bankroll them

Well she has a 2.5 and 3.5 year old and does most of the child related stuff.

You could equally say, what fully functioning adult thinks it’s ok to expect someone else to cover their share of house and child related duties.

I agree OP doesn’t have the right to opt out of earning, if her DH isn’t happy with this, but he also doesn’t have the right to opt out of doing his full share of house and kid stuff.

If it's 50/50 with the housework you don't really have a leg to stand on. He doesn't want to support you so not there isn't much you can do about it.

If it isn't 50/50 with housework - stop doing it.

Being excused from the housework didn't make much difference to my stress levels at all - it's just housework!

Same, and I usually do housework and childcare after (or before) work, not at the same time. My work is still the same and my salary is not affected by the fact that I put laundry on after work. Yes sure it would be more convenient if DH and I didn't have to juggle our work schedules or business travel around each other - but it's really not such a massive issue, compared to having a second earner. One really doesn't need to have a SAHM 'facilitating' their career. And OPs husband does not agree that this change would benefit him and the family.

Yes, totally unreasonable. What fully functioning adult without significant caring responsibilities thinks it's ok for someone else to bankroll them - especially if the other person is not happy to be the sole breadwinner.

Have you considered lowering your hours a little bit. giving up work completely sounds mad and not normal thinking!