Mortgage free but DH wont let me give up work

Yep.

It’s highly unlikely that his hours at work amount to total childcare and domestic hours given the nature of them.

However marriages are not a factory rota, if you’re in a mindset of jealously monitoring relative hours as you seem to be, it’s not a healthy relationship,

OP most certainly does not have to suck up doing the majority of domestic and childcare. In fact she could potentially be better off divorced in that scenario. That’s certainly the conclusion some women come to those circs.

to be honest OP he sounds like a gold digger

he wants you to work full time and work full time at home whilst he just works full time,

In a nut shell, selfish so I'm with h on this one. You give up work so I am expected to carry on slogging. Mmm, door could be opening for you Jane with a boot.

Just stop doing it, stop taking control of the mental load and keep asking him

what are we having for dinner? when are you deign the grocery shopping? when is the parents evening at nursery? do we have loo paper? have you hoovered? should I clean the bathroom or have you already done it? Have you seen my short, is it in the laundry?

keep asking and don't stop until you get answers...

You are working full time with a 2,5 and 3,5 yos?

Are you a default parent as well, covering the children's appointments and time when they are sick?

If you are in lower paid job anyway, some kind of part-time would sound very reasonable to me.

In the end, do you and you DH has similar amount of free time? If not, who has more and why?

This is what I wondered too.
It also depends on what ft work you're doing. If you're working your t#ts off for a minimum wage then coming home and doing all the housework and parenting ..... well quite frankly id Jack off the husband before my job. But if its a level playing field I see why he'd be annoyed at being the sole earner

Well, yes they are relevant if the OP's extra hours at home don't equate to his extra hours in work. They should both have equal leisure time, so if either is doing more than the other, then that isn't fair.

The OP will be working under sufferance, and he will be doing his share of the housework/childcare under sufferance. Either of them might end up making a song and dance of it, or they might not. But unless they can mutually agree on an alternative way of splitting responsibilities fairly between them, then they will both have to suck it up.

Doing it under sufferance rather implies making a song and dance of it.

As OP is having to put in extra hours herself his working hours aren’t directly relevant.

Well, so what if he is doing it under sufferance. As long as he is actually doing it and not making a big song and dance over it.

The OP can give him a choice. He gets his act together and does his fair share of the domestic stuff without complaint, or else she goes part time.

The one bit of info that we don't have at the moment is whether or not they are working equal hours. They are both full time, but it isn't clear as to whether he is having to put in extra hours to bring in the extra money. That will obviously need to be factored into the equation.

And how is she going to pay her half of bills and her personal expenses?

I’m sure we all know men who do 50:50 including my own DH but in that case they usually do it from the start.

In relationships where men have to be compelled to pull their weight they either agree to their wife going PT, don’t do full 50% or do it under sufferance and a tendency to shirk wherever possible.

So it is bizarre that a man doesn't just accept anything in order to make his wife happy? Meanwhile, there is no obligation on her to have to consider whether he is happy?

For how long exactly does the fact of her having been pregnant and given birth mean that her needs should take priority over his? Is that a lifelong thing now?

You say that it's just because he wants extra money, but we don't know that. Perhaps he wants more security, or he doesn't want the pressure of being the only earner. Those feelings are also valid.

That sounds good, Christmas.

Please don't mind me asking but do you have a cleaner? I know that made a tremendous difference to me and didn't break the bank.

The other thing could be outsourcing ironing, neither you nor he wants to be chained to the ironing board with umpteen shirts, blouses and other things.

Ordering groceries online is good too.

You can relax if you do that, it's worth working into your budget. You'll both still have quite a lot to do at home but without the drudgery.

Gosh, if only part-time jobs existed……

Yes
But the fact was that he was 'able' to do that?
Physically he didn't have to go through pregnancy etc
He also never had a break from his work
And he clearly had the privilege to have a stable job.
How do we know that his wife didn't give him the emotional stability he needed to even do this job?
Anyway, the kids are not 10 and above
She literally has babies!
It seems so bizaare that a man is unwilling to give his children a happy mum? Instead he wants a tired wife and tired mum, and later he'll also probably blame her for looking tired.
Fair enough if they needed the money but he just wants extra?
Pathetic honestly

This is true.

It may also be a consideration for the H if he thinks the marriage might break down in the future.

His equivalent was probably slogging his guts out to pay the mortgage off and supporting the family financially through two periods of maternity leave.

They have each contributed to the family in their different ways. They now need to agree on how they are each going to contribute going forwards. That could involve a choice in which they mutually agree for the OP to step back from paid work in order to focus on the home and kids, but that has to be a mutual decision.

Plus sounds like rocky marriage, you need to keep your job going in case it ends. Blows my mind any woman relies on a man financially.

This. YABU, of course. If you have spare money, get a cleaner / gardener/ whatever you need to ease the load.

Maybe negotiate?
Do most of childcare and housekeeping
That's a full time job anyway
So sad mum's can't stay home while their kids are young!
How on earth is that entitled?
Did the man have to give up time and energy and some health even to have these 2 kids?
Mum's sinply sacrifice more , so it fair that mum's have to go through pregnancy and labour?
Where's his equivalent of that?

I think it’s important to have some adult company and conversation in the work place. It’s also important have financial security. You just need more help at home. Would you be able to afford a cleaner to come once a week as a compromise instead of leaving your job?

I think it’s important to have some adult company and conversation in the work place. It’s also important have financial security. You just need more help at home. Would you be able to afford a cleaner to come once a week as a compromise instead of leaving your job?

Well, if he changes his mind, then that's fair enough. Some men aren't interested in pulling their weight at home, and they have to accept that there are consequences to that.

I do know men who genuinely do 50/50 though. Perhaps it is more common in relationships where the woman is the higher earner as they don't get to hide behind their big important jobs.

'won't let me' @ChristmasSpirit99 are you his child?

Why aren't you having an adult to adult conversation? Have you looked at the impact of your suggestion on your future finances etc?