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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To give money to dd who is buying a house , but to delay same to ds for reasons as below…

204 replies

Ginandbitterlemons · 21/10/2025 11:47

Dd is buying a house with bf - if we give them 10k it will help with deposit and make mortgage rate better.
We always try to support our dc in various ways , emotionally , practically ( eg bought furniture for both when set up in rented flats, when and built fkatpacks etc) bought both cars.

We have limited savings cf to many (50k) so we can only give this amount once .

Our dilemma is when to give ds his 10k - he has just been promoted to a senior role in school - head of year - at age 28 .
He is in a different stage of life to dd as in he is in a new relationship.
He is also very much into travel .. this year sri lanka , last year Japan .. he really really values it , got on a plane first age was legally allowed to travel and funded it by working at w end s since he was a young teen .
dd is very practical - saved like mad for house deposit - to extent of sharing coffees out with bf to save .
ds is a mostly live for today person- love’s adventure , travel , hobbies.But he batch cooks each sunday as I both as a child and so eats well but cheaply all week including a batch cooked lunch .

We guess that if we give him his 10k NOW he is likely to soend it on random stuff and travel experience s.
I am aware that once you give money away it is not yours to say what should be done with it . My dilemma is ( son not tet aware we have helped dd out ) should we give it now in the knowledge that it may be frittered or fun money- or hold it back in case he ever wants a house at a later stage -we cannot give it x2.
I am totally aware that we could simply have the conversation with him - sensible option - but if we give it now it may be frittered away,and then if his priorities change in future it will be mistimed .
Whilst aware that experiences are valuable - it feels hard to let go of that amount of money that could help him significantly in the future if it is the wrong time to give it.
Any opinions?
We thought about putting it in an account for him? But yet he is an adult and should be able to choose.?
In part , am aware that its one fifth of our savings- that we 100% want to support dc - but part of me is aware that id have to work in the fact that whilst we cannot stipulate what a gift is spent on - a part of me feels it ‘ should ‘ be saved for his future not a couple of fantastic holidays… even though I don't want to feel
that- its in the back of my mind!

OP posts:
Todooloo · 21/10/2025 14:51

fruitbrewhaha · 21/10/2025 14:50

I wouldn’t give either of them £10k if I only had £50k in the bank. If she can afford to buy a house for £450k she doesn’t need your money. I live in the south east and yes it’s expensive but she could buy for less if she needed to. Enjoy your hard earned savings.

And this too tbh. If I only had 50k then no I wouldn’t be giving for a mortgage. What is that? Like a tenner less a month for them yet a fifth of your life savings. Doesn’t make sense

HotMummaSummer · 21/10/2025 14:50

My parents did the same for me when I was buying my first home. My sister, who is 2 years younger, didn't get any money at the time - or possibly a token amount (I don't remember).
It was then expected that my parents help her in the future. She is looking to buy a house next year (mine was purchased in 2018) and I wouldn't mind if she got triple the amount from my parents tbh - she's buying in London and I live up north and inflation.
If you're children are mature I'm sure they'll understand, explain to DS you will gift him some money when he's ready to buy a home.

fruitbrewhaha · 21/10/2025 14:50

I wouldn’t give either of them £10k if I only had £50k in the bank. If she can afford to buy a house for £450k she doesn’t need your money. I live in the south east and yes it’s expensive but she could buy for less if she needed to. Enjoy your hard earned savings.

WatchingTheDetective · 21/10/2025 14:50

I would just give him the same amount when he's ready to buy a house. There is no way I'd give him 1/5th of my savings to spend on holidays, particularly when he's on a good salary anyway.

I disagree that you can't tell him what to spend it on. You can't tell him to buy a house, but you can certainly only give him £10K when and if he does buy one.

Todooloo · 21/10/2025 14:48

I don’t even know why you’re thinking this. It’s 10k to buy a house. He’s not buying a house soo…

Sage71 · 21/10/2025 14:44

ShesTheAlbatross · 21/10/2025 11:57

I don’t think it’s at all unreasonable to say “we want to help both of you when you buy a house, so when you’re doing that, we have money put aside that you can have”.

I don’t think you’d be wrong to give it to him now. But I also really really see no issue in saying you’ve saved money for a specific purpose and he can have it then.

This

Bloodyscarymary · 21/10/2025 14:44

openthewindoweveryday · 21/10/2025 14:27

I think you’ve overthought this. Just say it’s for buying a house and when your son buys a house he’ll get the same. When DD got married and I paid for a large chunk, I didn’t feel the need to give the other DC the exact same instantly. I just said when they have a similar big life event (wedding, buy a house etc) I’ll give them the same.

This! This is a non-issue! And better for you to stagger the gifts as well as gives you a chance to save up a bit more. Let him know he has roughly 10k coming when he wants to buy a house but not before (so he can factor that into his planning - it might help inspire him to get saving for a deposit). If you’re really worried about fairness you could both draw up a will that says assets to be split between DD and DS 50:50 but in the event that you didn’t make the 10k property gift before your demise, then he gets an extra 10k from the estate before it is split.

Deprivation of assets is a concern but you’re pretty young and have a house as well so I think it would be quite far on before this 10k becomes an issue?

Opal888 · 21/10/2025 14:44

My grandparents contributed to mine and my sisters FTB house deposit. I was mortgage ready a lot earlier than her and had their hand off! They kept my sisters portion in their account and made it clear it was hers plus whatever interest it accrued whenever she was ready to buy a house, but could not be used for amything else . She was ready 5 years after me, We both feel this was very fair, I'm on my 2nd house and about to upsize again and it really did give me a head start compared to my peer group. I'm Incredibly grateful to them and express this often. I think its lovely that you want and are able to contribute to your dc and I would recommend taking the same method as my grandparents. There was no big conversation or emotion just a simple, there's £xk here for you when you're ready to buy a house.
It's given them an enormous amount of pleasure to visit my houses and to see us settled and safe, I hope to do the same for my children.

Gloriia · 21/10/2025 14:40

You need to treat both dc equally so if one gets 10k the other does. Obviously suggest he use it for a deposit and leave it at that.

mamagogo1 · 21/10/2025 14:39

I would set aside the money for him and then give it to him with the interest when he buys

Thindog · 21/10/2025 14:39

I would tell your son that you have given money to his sister, specifically for her house. Tell him he can have the same when he is ready to buy.
That way there’s no potential feelings of unfairness or favouritism, and being open with your son will enable you to find out his broader life vision and find out if he would fritter or really value the money.

BotterMon · 21/10/2025 14:38

Give him 10K when he buys a house. Silly for him to fritter away your hard earned savings.
Also make sure your DD ring fences that 10k deposit that you have given so if her and her BF split, she gets it back!

Belindabelle · 21/10/2025 14:37

I wouldn’t delay giving the money to your son. I would give it now and request that it goes towards a deposit.

He is 28 and has a responsible job. I would trust that he will not fritter the money. You may not be in a position to give this money in the future. With inflation it won’t be worth the same amount in the future.

DH has an older sibling who bought a house, married and had children before us. They received a great deal of financial help with all of this from their parents. DH was told he would get the same when the time came. He didn’t!

FIL’s business went bust, he became ill and was unable to work. It ruined DH’s relationship with his brother, although it was not BIL fault. MIL was mortified that one of her children had been treated unfairly and always seemed to recent FIL after that. I don’t think DH will ever get over the injustice of his brother being given such an advantage.

roundaboutthehillsareshining · 21/10/2025 14:34

nevernotmaybe · 21/10/2025 14:18

His sister got 10k. He gets 10k. Simple and easy.

They will get inheritance later they can use for investing or whatever else.

Show quote history

I wasn't talking about inheritance. I was talking about the longer term financial planning of the DS. In reality, 10k isn't going to be a full deposit, it's going to be spark capital. Let's say the DS and his GF plan to buy a house in 7 years, they have a plan to save £5000 per year, giving them a much more realistic deposit pot of £35k. If the parents give DS the money now, then DS will immediately have many more options for making the initial £10k and the annual £5000 work harder and earn more. They could be looking at a much, much better pot of £50-55k, regardless of any future inheritance.

The fact is, with saving and investments, money earns money....

Noshadelamp · 21/10/2025 14:33

I think it's reasonable to make the money specifically for a deposit, and tell ds when he's ready for a deposit you'll give him the money. Maybe put it in a savings account so he gets the interest as well.

FairyBatman · 21/10/2025 14:29

Wouldn’t you be better putting the 10K in a LISA for him? That way it’ll be tax free and you are hopefully rid of it before inheritance tax or care costs become a factor, and he is limited in what he can use it on.

Inpaineveryday · 21/10/2025 14:27

It might mean that he can actually afford a deposit if you give it to him. He will obviously earn decently and has been able to save for his travels so far. Your gift may mean he could actually do both. He’s possibly not saved for a deposit because he’s valued travel more. With a little bit of saving he could up the deposit on top of the £10k but not have his travels limited as a result.

openthewindoweveryday · 21/10/2025 14:27

I think you’ve overthought this. Just say it’s for buying a house and when your son buys a house he’ll get the same. When DD got married and I paid for a large chunk, I didn’t feel the need to give the other DC the exact same instantly. I just said when they have a similar big life event (wedding, buy a house etc) I’ll give them the same.

Ponderingwindow · 21/10/2025 14:24

There is no dilemma. You are willing to contribute to buying a first home. The amount will be about 10k.

do consider if your son waits a very long time and say finally buys at 48, you may want to adjust a bit for inflation. If it’s just a few years, I wouldn’t worry about it.

phantomofthepopera · 21/10/2025 14:22

We gave DS money for a house deposit. And yes, it was specifically for a house deposit not to spend on holidays or luxuries. At the same time we ringfenced the same amount for DD and have been putting £4000 a year of it into a LISA for her. She probably won’t buy a house for years yet, and if we just gave her the same amount as DS in ten years it would be a lot less accounting for inflation.

nevernotmaybe · 21/10/2025 14:18

roundaboutthehillsareshining · 21/10/2025 14:15

But if you're not going to give it to him, and you're not going to invest it on his behalf, then you're really doing him a disservice. Let's assume his long term goal is to buy a house in 7 years time. If you give him the money now, then he can invest it if he wants to, he can choose the level of risk/reward he's willing to accept. His girlfriend may also bring her own money to the table, and so they may have a larger pot that would generate more passive income itself.

Show quote history

His sister got 10k. He gets 10k. Simple and easy.

They will get inheritance later they can use for investing or whatever else.

LaurieFairyCake · 21/10/2025 14:16

I would just say that you’d given his sister £10k for a house and that you had £10k set aside when he was ready to buy

roundaboutthehillsareshining · 21/10/2025 14:15

Ginandbitterlemons · 21/10/2025 13:05

toomuchfaff

If we gave it now and he invested it. ,it could give £30k ?
I dont know about were he could do that ? Any suggestions would be great - for us too as the money is just sitting in the bank( we have mates who have financial advisors , but we dont have that amount of money to warrant one )

But if you're not going to give it to him, and you're not going to invest it on his behalf, then you're really doing him a disservice. Let's assume his long term goal is to buy a house in 7 years time. If you give him the money now, then he can invest it if he wants to, he can choose the level of risk/reward he's willing to accept. His girlfriend may also bring her own money to the table, and so they may have a larger pot that would generate more passive income itself.

Flakey99 · 21/10/2025 14:08

To be honest, I think you were silly to have given any of your money away at this stage as you’re likely to need it in your old age for repairs, replacements and general living costs.

£50k does not go very far at all and once you’re retired, you have no way of earning it back.

TwinklySquid · 21/10/2025 14:08

If you were younger, I’d have have said:
Have a chat with your son. Explain that you’ve give your daughter money for a house deposit. Once he wants a house, you’ll give him the same.

But, as you’ve pointed out deprivation of assets/care homes etc,:
I would explain that you gave your daughter £10k for a house deposit. Your intention was to wait until he wanted to buy a house to do the same but you are worried about repercussions on the estate- which would cause both children a headache. So, you are giving him the £10k now. You’d prefer if it was saved for a house deposit but you appreciate you can’t control money once it’s given.

Give the money and don’t ask anymore about it.