Am I right to think people with easy babies have no idea!

It's not a smug explanation, it's actual facts presented in scientific research, which for some reason offends you so you need to insult women who needed fertility treatment 🤷

Anyway, parenting after infertility is different to parenting without a fertility struggle. It's common knowledge and scientifically proven as well as risk factor monitored by maternity carers. I can't see why you have a problem with that fact but you clearly do. The whole point of the thread is that we don't all have the same experience of parenting and OP herself is claiming some people have no idea what it's like to have a hard baby. No one who hasn't been through fertility treatment has any idea what it's like to be a parent after that trauma. Why you claim you do and dismiss the experience is beyond me.

That makes more sense.
On a very large scale and spectrum of children conceived naturally.
Appreciate the non smug explanation.

Children born from fertility treatment do better on average than naturally conceived children because naturally conceived children include all the unplanned and unwanted children who tend to do less well than average. It's a statistically anomally, not a criticism of parents who naturally conceive their planned and wanted children.

It doesn't matter if you doubt it. It's published as being true. You can read about it here.

https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2022/03/220323101314.htm

Thinking couples only need fertility because they are older and too busy living their life shows your ignorance. The sad 40 year old career woman sitting in the clinic needing IVF because she was too busy working is just a misogynistic trope. The average age of first time IVF parents in the UK is 33, only four years older than the national average of 29 and far before being infertile due to age which tends happen nearer 40. All statistics available from the HFEA. The vast majority of couples needing IVF are infertile due to medical conditions.

Why do these facts offend you so much?

Children born from fertility treatments have better outcomes in life than children that were conceived naturally because their parents are so invested in them.?
I highly doubt that, many are born to older parents who were very busy living their life, therefore not prioritising their future DC.
There is no difference between ivf DC and only DC to older parents with financial security.

Well it's known that mental health struggles are more common in mums who needed fertility treatment and their anxiety levels about their children are higher. They display lower confidence levels in their abilities as mums because they couldn't get pregnant/carry/give birth easily like other women and they have spent a lot longer thinking about everything that could go wrong because nothing went right before now. They also spend a lot longer thinking what kind of parenting they want to do becomes they've waited years and had nothing but time to think about it. It's both known by perinatal health workers and obvious to anyone with an ounce of common sense that someone who went through hell to have their child and can't have another easily will have a different approach to parenting than someone who has multiple children and it came easily.

Children born from fertility treatments have better outcomes in life than children that were conceived naturally because their parents are so invested in them. This has been documented in lifelong studies of IVF children. There are no accidental IVF babies or babies born to ambivalent parents by IVF. There are cold hard statistics that show parenting after infertility is different. Why does that offend the parents of naturally conceived babies so much?

Parenting after infertility is different to parenting an easily conceived child, more anxious, more worrying, more joy but also more fear and many other super positive and super negative things. To pretend it isn't is silly.
Why do you assume that parenting an easily conceived DC is less worry, less joy, it isn't silly to pretend, it isn’t less.
I think it is silly to assume it is more special.
frankly I don't care how difficult she is she is a miracle and a blessing. It's normal to feel grateful even for the shit bits after infertility.
I think that is also quiet ignorant when you haven't experienced a DC who cries 24/7. Sadly women who also struggled with infertility have sick babies who cannot communicate their feelings, who scream all day.
It isn't the case that they don't love them as much as you love your baby.

Having had one of each to the extreme end some people do not know they are born 😂 my easy one came second and my first was all I had known so I was prepared for the same again! It has been incomparable and if I had had him first I would have thought it was a walk in the park! Be kind to yourself it’s really tough

No, you weren't being horrible. You were being honest and I feel exactly the same way. I went through five cycles of IVF and a high risk pregnancy full of pain and constant bleeding, I was told I would probably miscarry several times. I didn't sleep for sobbing for months.

Whenever my baby was difficult of course I would get upset but quite frankly I don't care how difficult she is she is a miracle and a blessing. It's normal to feel grateful even for the shit bits after infertility. And to be blunt @ShesTheAlbatross not everyone is feeling love and gratitude for their baby. Some people regret their children, some wish they hadn't had them, some neglect them and get them taken away. To just assume every mum adores their baby and is grateful for them is naive and wholly incorrect. I felt guilty for not enjoying the shit bits at first but I soon remembered how lucky I was to be experiencing the shit bits no matter how shit it was because I had friends going through IVF and still no baby to keep them awake at night. Being kept awake by a baby was a good swap for being kept awake by grief. I'm sure your friend will remember that at some point. There was no need to berate her and make her feel as awful as she seemed to feel in her response.

Parenting after infertility is different to parenting an easily conceived child, more anxious, more worrying, more joy but also more fear and many other super positive and super negative things. To pretend it isn't is silly.

I had to distance myself from the mums ‘my baby sleeps’ ‘ my child never screams’…. Bla bla!!!! I had a year out from mum groups, meeting up with people forcing myself to do things I didn’t want to do.
I took myself to cafes and did a lot of things on my own for a while. I didn’t need to hear about how others were doing just fine, but wanted to get out the house.
You're not a bad mum. You just need to surround yourself with like minded mums.
You got this!
Also never wish this time away…. Parenting is hard throughout the whole of their life’s it’s just hard in different ways. X

Me too, and a fussy eating DC, just for a few months, not forever.

My first was an 'easy' baby.

My second? Good grief.... from the min he was born - he screamed. Constantly screamed (unless he was asleep). That stopped at 14m, he also went from 6-7x waking up at night to sleeping through... hes lovely now! X

Oh, I really feel what you’re going through! I confess, in my slightly meaner moments, I do really wish a more challenging second child on those smug parents who just like to let you know you’ve done it all wrong and that they are perfect. It will get better, I promise. Xx

Totally agree, OP.
My son had colic and screamed for 4 months. It was utterly nerve-shredding. He also didn't sleep for more than 2-3 hours at a stretch until he was 2.
I often wonder what it must be like having a more easygoing baby. I think people with easier babies don't understand how hard it is to keep on top of housework during mat leave if you are dealing with that level of prolonged screaming and sleep deprivation. I sure as hell wasn't baking banana bread on my mat leave, I was in survival mode for much of it..
My son is now 4 and frankly has been hard work from the get go but he has a brilliant personality and is so smart and imaginative, so I do genuinely enjoy it all. But omg it's so much easier when you are getting 6 to 8 hours solid sleep as a mum. Life changing!!
I am genuinely curious about the experiences of people with non-colicky babies and those that are getting decent chunks of sleep past, say, 6 months!!

I agree with you OP, and I say that having had 2 easy babies. The first one was almost mythically placid and while I was aware it was unusual I didn't have anything to compare it to so stories of normal troubles with crying, fussing etc weren't relatable. I tried really hard not to be a dick about it when others were talking about fussiness etc so I hope that worked.

My second was a bit more tricky - I did have a few sleepless nights with them and it made me realise a little more how hard it can be. But I'll be honest, it wasn't every night by a long stretch - 4 months of it would have definitely broken me so you've already earned my respect.

All this to say I agree that you're right to think that unless you're really in the trenches you can't understand it. Same as people who don't have children at all but always seem to have the 'best' advice about how to deal with them!

I sympathise, OP. My children are adults now and I love them infinitely, but oh boy, my first was a very difficult baby. Colic screaming every evening, wouldn’t sleep by night or day, resisted every new stage (drinking from a cup, weaning etc). We were zombies. She’s lovely and has achieved well (degrees etc) but had a hard time socially at school and was diagnosed as an adult with ASD, which made sense.

My second was a walk in the park…I remember saying anxiously to the HV that he only seemed to sleep and feed, and was he OK? She thought I was bonkers but this was a new experience for me!

A friend had 2 babies which were ‘easy’ but then a third which wasn’t and she told she’d have stopped at one if the first been like him!

i remember frantically posting on here about DS. He was a very grumpy baby and I tried EVERYTHING including going through paediatrics for reflux/milk allergy. I thought I would go insane with the stress and lack of sleep.

Some things did make life more bearable - a stretchy sling, bouncy chair and a walk everyday (I put headphones in to drown out ds).

A very kind lady once told me DS was nowhere near as loud as I feared and that if I stopped to look, all babies and small children had their moments, so I had nothing to be embarrassed about.

That was 12 years ago and DS is literally the most wonderful son o could wish for, The early days are a distant memory. I know right now you’re deep in it but I just wanted to say you’re doing great. Take the tiniest wins for now. It’ll all come good.

100 percent agree, I was tempted to sell my firstborn on ebay!
My second child was brilliant, but my first I have no idea how I coped funnily enough hes a teen now and hes a really easy teen whereas my second now nine is difficult 😂

100% agree. My first baby was so so easy, I thought it was so easy I’d have another. My second baby was so, so difficult, I didn’t know what I’d let myself in for, I was shocked at how much harder literally everything was.

My eldest was an absolute nightmare. She screamed non-stop for six months. It wasn’t just a case of wanting to be held, we had to stand up and walk around with her. It was absolute torture.

But, she hit six months and got a little better, then better again at 12 months and by 24 months was an absolute delight and has stayed that way.

Keep going, the worst bit is nearly over xx

I was trying to agree with the OP!

Mine too. DD was a fussy newborn and cried at the drop of a hat. This behaviour carried into the early toddler years. I never could do mum and baby classes or story-time at the library or sit on a picnic blanket without DD making a lot of fuss. People would look over at me like I was a terrible mum who can’t control her crying child. Now at 3, DD seems to enjoy learning to do a range of things independently and is upset if we try to help or intervene, which we obviously have to as she is 3. I said to DH from the start, she knows her own mind!

Yep, my daughter, 4 now is basically a model child. I took an thankful I was already humbled

This isn't true for many

My eldest was an incredibly difficult baby, never slept more than 45 minutes, took an hour to get back to sleep each wake up. Reflux, constant crying.

He was also a very very difficult toddler and pre schooler and at 7 refuses school regularly, has autism and ADHD, violent outbursts and currently is awake in my bed which happens most nights

However NOTHING has ever been as hard as the extreme sleep deprivation and helplessness when he screamed constantly as a baby.

Both of mine were hard. Both bf every 20 min 26 nappies a day. At 4 months bf every 40 min. This went on until about 18 months. It was enjoyable but super hard work.