DH sleeping on sofa to avoid crying baby

I would get a single bed and go and sleep with baby in their room. I love baby snuggles and co sleeping saved me for 3 dc.

Take turns. It's what we do with my 1 year old. Sleep training only works to a point, and at this age a lot of the sleep disturbance is due to teething or illness and it would be cruel to ignore it.

Alternatively, cosleep. My DS went through a bad stage of separation anxiety at 13 months when we came back from a big holiday. I slept with him for 4 weeks until he got back into his routine and was less anxious. It allowed me to sleep a bit more.

Is it fair? Maybe, maybe not.

Right now you are both in the trenches. He is being open that he is at his limit with the sleep deprivation and struggling. It’s not a competition - you may be struggling too, in which case you need to delegate a couple of nights solely to him and you go sleep in the couch. Some people cope better with sleep deprivation. My partner is much better than me - I have other health issues which contribute and flare up with fatigue.

Having said all that, you both need to have a conversation and devise a plan. Is it hiring a sleep trainer? A few of my friends did, some with more success than others and some only said it was stuff they already knew but that they were too tired to put a plan together. Is it alternating couch sleeps? Is it grandparents doing one night a fortnight so that you guys can get a break?

Remember that you are meant to be in the same team so work to support each other and don’t fall into the blame game with each other.

I think you should each have a couple of nights where you get a decent night’s sleep - or even just split the whole week so you each get three nights “off” walking whilst the other deals with it, and perhaps split the final night time wise for the actual get ups. Or you each have three nights sleeping with earplugs if you don’t like the sofa.

There’s no point both of you getting up on any given night - that achieves nothing.

You’re working part time and then working by caring for DS the other day so both of you equally need some sleep.

Imo if you both worked 5 days it would be unfair.

It's not very helpful for people to say the OP should sleep train as it's not what she is asking and i'm sure they know that sleep training exists. It is also very normal for a one year to wake up once or twice a night (obviously it can be hard ).

I think it's ok for him to sleep on the sofa on those nights that you are not working the next day and then split the nights that you are both working or both off.

I actually think this is ok as long as he's pulling his weight otherwise, if he's struggling then something needs to change.

If you are struggling too, could you eg make sure DH gets up with baby every Sunday and gives you a long lie in? Or maybe you sleep on sofa that night?

Honestly one or two wake ups a night isn't too bad IME.

I think if you are at home those 2 days it is fair if the rest of the time it’s 50/50 because then he does 3 you do 4 in a typical week but he works 5 days and you work 3.

If sleep training is a no, I would focus on getting a good night of sleep when he is on duty. Taking turns getting up doesn’t work imo because then everyone is tired. One person does the whole night on their turn.

Then one lie in each at the weekend. You both need a chance to rest properly. Ongoing sleep deprivation is a killer.

We used to have a bed in DS's room, and we'd take it in turns to just put him in there with one of us as soon as he woke up the first time. He'd go to sleep, we'd go to sleep. We gave up trying to settle him because it was just too relentless and we were too tired. By about 2, he just started sleeping through.

Only one parent needs to be sleep deprived. Two of you sleep deprived is pointless.
We still take it in turns to settle the kids if they wake in the night and they still often sleep in our beds 12 years later.
So as pp have said, one of you needs to settle him in his room, stop bringing the baby into your bed. Unless you want to be us. Sleeping separately with kids that won't settle alone when they are 7 and 12!!
As you work three days and tour DH works 5 then you will have to take up the slack unfortunately.
If your DHs income is the main income then you need to protect the main income as it is keeping a roof over your heads
We have switched between my income and DH income being out main income and the priority for us is whoever is keeping the roof over our heads needs to protect their income first and foremost. But obviously it should be fair and not 100 percent on one person to do the kids stuff every single day.

Hmm - loving the “if you are off with the baby you can sleep when they sleep!” malarkey. At the age of 1 my dd slept for a grand total of 45 minutes in the day.

Also love the “so important he is fresh for work” malarkey. My husband is a computer programmer. He once was so tired he messed up some code and (had it not been spotted by their careful inbuilt review process) then people would have been unable to book their spin class for half an hour or so. I once was so tired I walked across a main road with the buggy without remembering to check for cars. One of these things matters and one really doesn’t.

Even though I tried it when my son was a year old, I do think it's cruel now that I'm older. How would you feel if you were vulnerable and someone left you to cry for, say, longer than 5 minutes? If anyone did it to an elderly person, people would say it was abuse. So why is it different just because it's a kid?

Well what’s the alternative if you can’t/wont look into suggestions of sleep training?

your DH loses his job due to poor performance because you think it’s unfair he sleeps….. he’s identified the struggle….could you afford to be without his income?

I’d put a single bed in the child’s room for him to sleep in on those nights, DS can go in it when he’s old enough.

Just on the poll - you’ve popped two conflicting options in your one question, so the poll is meaningless.

I think this is fair, he is helping all the other times.

some people see sleep training as ‘cruel’. You could argue the opposite - that not ever getting a proper sleep is cruel.

Honestly I think this is fair and reasonable. Presumably your DS still naps a fair bit during the day once or twice at just turned one. You can nap with him and catch up on sleep as you’re off. The alternative is his work suffers which could end up impacting you all financially.

I had (have!) a similarly poor sleeping DS who is now 2.5, he came into our bed every night and it wasn’t working for anyone. I bought him a small double floor bed in his room when he was 9 months old and I just joined him in there from the first wake up. It worked really well for everyone, I got a better sleep as more room with just me and the baby, DH could sleep for work the next day and DS slept so much better with me in beside him. I will say though we are still doing this at 2.5 which was never really the plan but I don’t have the energy to change it given it works for everyone and everyone gets sleep!

I’d leave him standing in his cot until he gets bored and lies back down. But I am very very tough on sleep because sleep deprivation is bad for every part of health - yours, the family’s and the baby’s.

I agree with PP that with a 1YO I would definitely be looking to sleep train and/or hire a sleep consultant. But that’s up to you of course! If it is typically 1 wake per night then really it doesn’t make sense that you both respond to it so I think it’s fairly pragmatic that he takes the opportunity to sleep elsewhere 2 nights a week so long as you get the opportunity to do the same. So from now on I’d take yourself to sleep on the sofa once a week, probably at the weekend since he clearly struggles at work after a bad night, and catch up on sleep. If your toddler is still breastfed then he can bring them to you for that and then take away to settle upstairs in the bedroom.

It’s really not that simple though is it? And as the OP has said, she has tried. She didn’t ask for advice on how to get the baby to sleep better, she’s asking whether it’s fair for DH to sleep separately for two nights a week.

Not necessarily. I tried sleep training my son and it made it worse. Yes, I did persevere. I tried for months. I was still getting only 1 hour of sleep per night because he would scream the house down no matter what I tried.

Could you sleep in the baby's room? Get a little bed or mattress. I did with all mine barr no.4 (we don't have another room!)

Actually yes, it would solve the problem.

Can the baby go in a different room?
If he is standing in his cot looking at you, I agree it's difficult to sleep train. But it's not impossible.

I'd not have an issue with it. If he's struggling, I'd rather him have two nights to catch up. Maybe you can get a lay in at the weekends when he gets up?