DH sleeping on sofa to avoid crying baby

Yes it's fair if he works more days.
I would have the baby in with you on those two nights so DH can sleep in a bed rather than a sofa.
Imo it's all about everyone getting the maximum amount of sleep however and wherever it is.

Time to get back to old fashioned parenting when a baby was not allowed to rule the roost. IF he knows you will come in when he stands up and cries your child ix training you to be his slave girl. A good old fashioned nanny would have left left him to cry it out and he will eventually learn. Try ear plugs and white noise.

Sometimes it's not about what's fair (as in a 50:50 even split of everything) it's about what's best for the family as a whole. Only you can decide between you what you each have to give, and what approach works for you- your husband has let you know that he's past capacity and needs those night's sleep, that's ok. You feel like it's unfair which suggests you're are also feeling exhausted and haven't got the capacity to cover it, that's also ok... so you need to look at how to support you both. You could, as people have suggested try sleep training, co-sleeping, or think about what would support you in other ways- like help with cleaning, a couple of hours extra nursery care on one of your morning's off so you can catch up, these cost but will make your life easier and perhaps give you the capacity to cover the extra nights, or there are free ways to do it- re-jig the allocation of household chores so your husband does more than currently at the weekend, meaning on your days in the week with your DS you don't have a mile long to do list and can take things slower, your DH could have your DS on a Saturday morning so you can have a lie in/time off, do online food shopping, use quick and easy dinners for a while...You can have anything but not everything- talk it through with your DH what you each need and how you can find a balance with the time/resources/money you have... You're a team and they'll be a way that works, it's just sometimes hard to see it in the fog of exhaustion...

I think it’s fair- as long as he is settling DS during two nights that HE is not working the next day……….From your post it seems like that’s the weekend? So he should be responsible for settling baby on, say, Friday and Saturday nights.

I think it’s pretty reasonable.

Is there a way you can sleep in the babies room when he wakes up instead of bringing him into your bed?

So it's ok to look after a fractious baby when she's sleep deprived but he must have sleep because men duh?

I have loads of kids, all ND and none good sleeper ( not because they are ND necessarily). I found work a refuge with breaks, adult conversation, the ability to do one thing at a time. I think he's swinging here.

I think it’s fair that whoever needs sleep most for work productivity gets to prioritise sleep those nights. You can do all the sleep training you want, but the reality is that children wake in the night and need you. My 12 year old still wakes a few times a year needing something (medicine, reassurance because she woke up worrying about a friend, too excited for whatever, it happens). So you are both working and it sounds like you need to figure out how you can both catch up on sleep. When I had to get up at 5am to catch the train for work, I used to sleep downstairs and dh would handle all wake ups.

So yes, I’d give it a go. On the condition that he also does 2 nights on duty, maybe those are Friday and Saturday, meaning no drinking or going out those nights. Or maybe they are before 2 of your working days.

I knew this thread would be pounced on by the ‘rod for your own back’ ‘why don’t you just sleep train’ brigade.

People whose babies were sleep-trainable have NO IDEA.

(mine didn’t sleep through until he was nearly 4 and we tried everything - it was only melatonin that saved us in the end)

I think unfortunately when you have a non sleeping baby it does become a matter of survival rather than solidarity. And there may be things you need to do less of on your non-working days to prioritise sleep. It sucks because you will see other people with easy babies taking advantage of nap times to do interesting or productive things and you’ll feel shit - but you’re in a different situation.

This is a season of life to be got through, and if you can both hang on to your jobs and a scrap of sanity you can reconnect a bit more further down the line.

Much solidarity. My formerly non sleeping DC is 9 now and I no longer stumble through my days wanting to cry and/or vomit from tiredness.

ETA: co-sleeping was also the only thing that stopped the screaming night wakings every 45 mins. We gave up on the cot when he was about 2 as we were all about to lose our minds with psychotic sleep deprivation.

Yes, agreed. He needs to learn that he must lie down in his cot, although I’d deal with this by going in after a while and physically putting him back down in the cot. It will need multiple times and a few bad nights- start on a Friday night. You say very little after a first ‘night night’ and leave him for a few minutes before you go in again. You need to be ready to do it repeatedly.

I left sleep training a little late, but we persisted at 1& months and it did not take many nights. I have to admit that neither of mine were the type to scream hysterically and make themselves ill though. I’m not sure how sleep training works in those cases.

Having alternating nights or a similar arrangement might be fairer than your DH having 2 nights off, but his request isn't wholly unreasonable.

I agree that if you have already done some sleep training and it reduced waking from loads to 1 or 2 times that that is probably as good as it gets for now. It isn't always a magic solution and 1-2 wakes is manageable.

That said, it sounds like the issue is that whoever gets up with the baby is trying to settle him in the cot and then giving up after some time because he is not settling and bringing him into your bed.

This is probably the worst of both worlds, because whoever gets up with your DS is awake for quite a while, and then the rest of the night is disrupted for both of you by having the toddler wriggling about in your bed. All while reinforcing for your DS that if he makes enough fuss he will eventually be allowed in your bed.

I would either give up immediately and let him in your bed from when he wakes to minimise sleep disruption, or support DS to go back to sleep in the cot (however long it takes). You don't have to leave him to cry, but you might find that he starts going back to sleep way more easily after a few nights - even if the first time everyone is up for hours!

My one year old is a bad sleeper and you have my sympathy OP. My DH and I both work and our system now is we do alternating nights getting up with DS. If you get a full night's sleep every other night, it makes the other night a lot more bearable and you're not totally exhausted as you would be after weeks/ months of it. I'm not sure why we didn't start this earlier- it's helped a lot.

Mine used to come in bed with us and we all slept quite cosily.

My husbands an electrician, so the thought of him going into work on the back of a few hours sleep scares the crap out of me, so I’d always rather me do the night time wakes! I work part time from home in finance, so have the flexibility to deal with my tiredness and can squeeze a nap in using my lunchtime. He also deals with toddlers bedtime routines 6 nights out of 7, so I can go to bed early atleast if it was a crap night the previous

I think it could be fair if you get two nights of ringfenced sleep as well.

It's a pisstake to avoid 2 nights in the week and another 2 at the weekend.

Consider how you function at work - do you need some ringfenced sleep?
Or are you going to do 7 nights on with the baby and 3 days of work to his 5 days work and 5 nights with baby? Put it in numbers.

I think you should support eachother though and take ar face value that it isn't working. That doesn't mean tot for tat but it doesn't mean accepting his opening gambit.

If DH has to be up and out to work, then to sleep on the sofa to get a decent nights sleep seems entirely sensible to me.

Assuming he pulls his weight at other times, of course.

It doesnt make sense for both of you to be sleep deprived. Definitely split the burden
Perhaps pop a mattress in your child's room so they get used to staying in the room and you can gradually spend less time there

I would be ok with this and would aim to have a nap on my days off when the toddler naps and ask DH to swap at the weekend when he is off so I could have a night or two of undisturbed sleep each week.

I did sleep train my little boy though, as I do think everyone needs a full nights sleep each day once out of the baby phase.

If he is great the other 5 nights, then I’m afraid I don’t think he’s being particularly unreasonable here.

The best sleep training involves you not picking him up at all. Gentle pat him in a darkened room no noise or eye contact with you at all. You eventually are giving him what he wants, so of course he is going to continue until he gets what he wants - as he knows you always give it to him. He needs to know you are there but he needs to stay in his cot.
If you are not firm now it’s going to get harder for you.

My son didn’t sleep through the night until he was 4. I eventually moved a bed into his room to avoid me needing to get up to go to his room and I slept in there. Then I realised he mind as well start sleeping in the double bed so I could avoid getting up at all. I put a bed gate up on one side, he went to sleep early and then I joined him later. When he started sleeping through the night, I put a bed gate up both sides and I started to stop going to sleep in that bed.

Move the bassinet to the living room for 50% of evenings.

how long is as long as it takes? You mean you have actually left him there the rest of the night? Or do you swoop in after 20 minutes.
You don't sound very consistent with your sleep training. No training guide will tell you to bring the child into your bed!
No wonder DH is fed up.

I think it's sensible. At that age we were having similar issues and we would take it in turns to have our bed, the other one went straight in with our little boy.

You have one child and two parents, you don’t both need to be knackered 100% of the time. He sleeps elsewhere for two nights when he has work the next day, you sleep elsewhere for two nights over the weekend. Both of you get two nights of uninterrupted sleep per week.

Exactly - you can’t even wind down enough to get to sleep in 45 mins!

I agree re the being “fresh for work” thing. People don’t place enough importance on childcare and the need to be alert to do it - although they’d soon be annoyed if a young nursery staff member had been up all night before caring for their child!

I also think a lot of especially women drive too tired to safely do so when caring for children.