DH sleeping on sofa to avoid crying baby

No it isn't - OP has said they have tried sleep training and it has reduced night waking a lot already. She's clear not a martyr about sleep/crying, but that doesn't mean that sleep training results in every baby sleeping through, even if it worked for you.

yes I think this is fair on his work days.

I think it’s fair to have alternating days with issues like this. If you won’t sleep train, there’s no point both of you getting no sleep 7 days a week. Just do alternating days where you deal with it and each of you have a weekend day

I don't see anywhere what he does for a living. And it matters in a case like this.

My partner was a coach driver and did primary school runs every morning. Had he been sent off to work sleep deprived it could have been lethal.

What does he do for a living, OP?

Actually it is a magical cure!

Yes it's fair if it's impinging on work. Can't you hith work together to get baby to sleep through though, by one year night waking shouldn't be the norm.

Do you KNOW what vulnerable means? Exposed to danger or the possibility of danger? I've long given up on the hope that posters are not overreacting when make comments like that.

is that a question? Do you KNOW what a baby is?

I've long given up on the hope that posters are sarcastic when they make comments like that.

I’d sleep with the kid and put DH in the baby’s room on a mattress. I don’t think you sound like you’d like sleep training. It seems cruel to me also. Word of warning tho, I still sleep with our 4.5yo and DH still in spare room! We both work full time and I have since he was one. It did lead to some intimacy issues between me and DH (he was fine, I was not) but we have now solved this with us both going to bed early and snuggling together for 30-60mins before heading to separate rooms. I’m happy to be there for my son in the night. It won’t be forever.

Ignoring the whataboutery, why is the baby vulnerable? I presume nappy clean, been fed, safe in a cot etc etc.

OP, absolutely let him sleep on the sofa those 2 times. He's said he's struggling, you guys are supposed to be a team and that also means listening when he says he's not doing so well.

Sleep is vitally important for all of you. I don't believe in sleep training. When you sleep train a baby, all you're teaching them is no one will come when they need them. It doesn't reduce the cortisol levels in their system that led them to need you in the first place. They just internalise that stress.

But sleep is vitally important for all of you.

I'd put the cot back in your bedroom and let your toddler sidle into bed when he needs it, rather than anyone getting up to him.

Or accept that you and your partner sleep in different rooms until waking in the night doesn't stress your child out.

I don't think it's unreasonable for him to want to get two nights' unbroken sleep before work. It wouldn't be unreasonable of you to claim the same privilege every Friday & Saturday night either, if you don't work weekends.

But in a two parents working household that finds the night wakes disruptive? Bring the child back in, is how I would deal with it. It will not be forever. I co-slept with my son in his early years. He's a rudely independent 18-year old now - but will still come into my bed on a Sunday afternoon to watch crappy TV when it's raining, or flop onto it after a night out drinking to garble at me ten to the dozen.

because babies are not robots and "sleep training" is not a magical cure?

Or even something that parents MUST try?

What could possibly be the point EVER of 2 adults being kept awake by a baby if one can sleep elsewhere and actually sleep?

How would it benefit you in any way if your husband is just as sleep deprived? Has he waited an entire YEAR to finally get some sleep? That's insane.

Take turn. When one doesn't go to work the following day, of course they are the one to be in charge of the child.

It wouldn’t be a problem if you sleep trained your child. Why wouldn’t you?

Do you get to sleep downstairs anytime?

Personally I think this is ok as long as you get your nights away from the baby (if possible - is baby breastfeeding still?) or some alternative "compensation" (maybe weekend lie ins). My partner who is very hands on slept in the spare room most nights when mine were babies otherwise we would have had no functioning adult in the house due to neither child sleeping and also breastfeeding through the night, and also to ensure co-sleeping was as safe as possible. He couldn't have helped much due to the breastfeeding. Very hard to magically sleep train some kids, and it does get better. Mine reliably stayed in their own beds every night from about 3 (they were in their own beds before that but less reliably in them all night).

YABU.

Sleep train or deal with it.

I don’t think it’s unfair for you to take it in turns if that’s what he means by taking a couple of nights out on the sofa.

We also had a baby who needed our support at night (which is really normal) we opted for a floor bed when he turned 10 months and alternated nights depending on who was driving furthest, who had important meetings etc and split the nights. Honestly once we joined him after the first wake his sleep improved immensely. Hes just over two now and we still join him if it’s a bad night.

As a side note we ended up loving the connection with our now toddler and could have never left him to cry, especially now we know supporting them when they’re little can mean better brain health when older.

When my son was that age I used to leave a bottle of milk propped up in his cot which he then fed himself with if he woke up and never cried again at night.

Not remotely true... I always picked up my kids, cuddled them and brought them into my bed. They're only small for a short time. Guess what, now they're pre-teens and long gone are the days when they needed me at night. I sleep in and they sometimes even bring me a cup of tea in the morning.
Thank God I cuddled them while they were small and needed me.

OP, let your husband sleep on the sofa for two nights. Why ever not?

Exactly what I was going to say.
Look up the Ferber method.
It took two nights for my child to stay sleeping through.

Makes perfect sense. It doesn't need 2 of ye to settle him back if hr are bringing him into the bed .

Exactly this. Everyone needs sleep, regardless of thier employment status. I found my work easier than being at home when sleep deprived, but what does it matter, OP's only looking after a baby. Who cares if she gets behind the wheel of her car to go to rhyme time on very little sleep? Who cares if her mental health gets in tatters? So long as a man doesn't lose out on sleep.

He needs to alternate with her, take over on weekends or take up more of the housework so she can use the baby's nap to sleep

I think it’s fair, and I’m quite feminist in my attitudes and beliefs. When we had babies, I didn’t see the point of us both being exhausted every night, and the two days not working are less tiring than a job. That said, I’d feel differently if he didn’t help with the housework and baby the rest of the week.

I think it is all well and good, but you also need to be allowed to have a night or two on the sofa to get your head down.
My DD didn't sleep through the night until she was 2 years old and I did 99% of the nights for those two years. It was hell and I am sending so much love to you and your DH as you navigate this stage.
You deserve care and rest too, and contrary to other posters, I actually think unless you DH is a surgeon or train driver or something requiring intense mental focus all day, looking after a one year old all day is more exhausting than most days jobs!
So sure, let him sleep on the sofa, but carve out a couple of nights a week when you sleep on the sofa and he manages the nights alone.
Give and take is key! Good luck OP! I hope your little one's sleep calms down soon x