DH sleeping on sofa to avoid crying baby

No, scientific evidence shows no such thing

Sleep training IS cruel and scientific evidence backs up the damage it does on the developing brain if sleep is more important than your child's wellbeing then don't have kids to begin with i co sleep for this very reason and everyone gets a good night's sleep ! Adults like to sleep together yet expect a tiny completely dependent infant to sleep alone its baffling !

Sleep is entirely normal - however lack of sleep isn’t. If he gets those two nights off then you get Friday & Saturday off (or a lie in if that’s what you want). It’s fair if there is parity

I'd be ok with this, if it helps him to function more and help more the rest of the week - but think you should be able to have a night to yourself at the weekend, or lie ins on those days.

My little girl is a preschooler now and still a bad sleeper, my husband and I will often take a night or two each a week and sleep by ourselves in the spare room for a proper uninterrupted rest. It helps us feel more human and cope with the other nights better!

This…

Your choice are you both wake up everytime and neither of you get sleep and are both exhausted, you split the night so you both get some sleep or you take the nights when you are off the next day and he pays you back at the weekend by taking his turn. The latter seem the best option to me, there is no point you both being tired but you also need to make sure it’s fair on you, too.

I also tried sleep training my DS and it did not work, he’d scream and scream and get himself more worked up so it took longer to calm him down. It really does not work for every child. It turned out DS has AuDHD (not necessarily true for all kids who don’t sleep well) but as both of these conditions come with sleep issues and he still has them now age 8, it makes me feel I wasn’t a total failure because I couldn’t sleep train him. DD was
much easier to get sleeping through the night in her own bed.

That’s ok! Maybe you can ask to have Friday & Sat night off? That way it’s fair! Me and my partner alternated nights even during mat & pat leave. We had a spare room so it was easy and all our babies slept from 3 months old through the night.

DS1 was a good sleeper. DS2 terrible. If you can put a bed/mattress in his room, honestly, it was a lifesaver for us. We had a sofa bed in his room so one of us could sleep in with him and be there when he woke up to resettle him. I worked 3 days, DH full time, so usually I'd be in with DS2 4-5 nights, DH 2-3. DH would do the morning and get DS1 ready for school if DS2 had a bad night and I was home with him the next day, so I could sleep in a bit. We took turns at the weekend getting up with the boys so both of us got one weekend day to sleep later.

Tag teaming worked, if not ideal, because at least both of us were not totally sleep deprived at the same time. We were a bit ships in the night though and the downside was not a huge amount of "us" time. We had to adopt a bit of a siege mindset - dig in and get through it, it won't be forever type thing. And after having one terrible sleeper, we decided we were done at two DC, no more!

I know you didn’t ask for advice but here’s mine anyway.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable because he sounds like he’s not taking joint responsibility for your son’s sleep in general if his “solution” is that at least he gets to sleep.

Napping in the day is not going to make up for never getting a full nights sleep. I was in that position because my daughter would breastfeed when she got into bed with us and it stopped either of us getting proper sleep.

We put her cot mattress on the floor of her room and lay next to her till she slept. When she came into our room I got her to sleep then left her in bed with DP. I went and slept in the bed in her room. Result: we both stayed asleep all night after that.

I couldn’t do the sleep training everyone talks about because it would mean shutting her in her room and holding the door. I couldn’t do it to her.

She’s still not a brilliant sleeper at almost 3, but she’s sleeping in her own bed mostly, often all night.

I don't see any point in you both having a rubbish nights sleep. Can't you take turns to sleep on the sofa?

How is it anti-women?? It's anti-bad parents. Regardless of gender.

Babies and children are different. As parents of more than one child will attest, successes are seldom because of your excellent parenting and more likely because that's the child.

This is how we sleep trained my 1 yo. First night she cried a lot, second night very little and 3rd night she slept in 5 minutes.

Sleep deprivation almost pushed me into a breakdown. Some people can have a coffee and crack on, I could barely function, string a sentence together and wanted to just die.
She is such a well adjusted baby and sleeps beautifully now, I have my evenings and sanity back. It is very much possible to sleep train at 1yo.

im with your dh. If you’re not working and home then entirely reasonable for him to get a good nights sleep. Take your turn af the weekend?

On what planet is it reasonable that you do every single waking night and your partner gets two full nights sleep a week to your none, ever? No planet. Sleep deprivation applies to you equally. Of course you're not being unreasonable. Absolutely no fucking way.

Because women bear the brunt of sleepless nights with infants, many women will feel absolutely desperate (particularly if they have no partner or no support from partner) from sleep deprivation, being a mother in first year of your child's life is hard only for someone to sneer that anyone who's tried sleep training is trying to "calm their guilty conscience". We shouldn't be feeding into the mummy wars.

I agree with him. I am often sleep deprived but in my job I can function, I work alone so even if I’m a bit loopy I can still do the job. My husband’s job on the other hand is always ‘on’, multiple meetings a day, and if sleep deprived his job really suffers. We are past having children but the situation is similar.

How on earth is it anti woman?!

Woah. I'm not even pro-sleep training but this is uncalled for and anti-woman.

Sounds sensible if one has to be up and the other doesn't, then the one that needs to be up gets more sleep. Provided he is taking his share of the nights when you both have to up.

I think it’s ok if you have the opportunity to nap the next day but I also think that you should get at least one full nights unbroken sleep a week too. So maybe Friday or Saturday night?

The question is not so much if he should be helping out on those two nights I don't think. It's whether your family can survive on your salary alone if he were to lose his job. I've seen a colleague let go because he was falling asleep at work.

Have you looked at gradual withdrawal at night...lau down .sit by but don't pick him up? How does he go down at bedtime with you or can you leave the room?

Thank you so much - and I really appreciate your advice re: baby-proofing etc too!

The amount of people recommending sleep training is so so sad. It's very normal for babies to wake at 1. It's sh*t but normal. Babies don't need training to sleep. They sleep in the womb fgs, they know how to do it. If they've ever slept longer than 40 mins then they already know how to connect sleep cycles. All sleep training does is teach your baby that they can't rely on you to meet their needs. They don't sleep any more than before, they just stop asking for you. EURGH it's so sad.

People convincing themselves that sleep training is good for the child is so unhinged. Whatever helps calm your guilty conscience.