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AIBU?

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Original poster

To back teen dd not apologising to her nana?

557 replies

Teenpromdrama · 20/10/2025 14:31

Dd15 is adamant that she doesn’t want to go to prom next summer. Dh and I have always said it’s her choice, she can decide later once tickets are out, and she can wear whatever she prefers. We’re really not at all bothered either way. She is quiet and introverted but can be very black and white with some opinions. She generally keeps these to herself but if she really cares about something, will speak up.

This weekend her cousin, also 15, went for a prom dress appointment and invited dd and me along with sil. The cousins are great friends and dniece had said she knew dd wasn’t interested in prom, but she wanted her opinion and dd agreed happily. We had a nice day out and dniece picked a lovely dress, we had lunch, it was all good. That afternoon we all went back to mil’s house as the dress shop was in the town where she lives. The dress and prom was talked about which was to be expected, but mil then kept on and on about dd not going, not picking a dress, and it turned into an attack on dd for being quiet, having few friends, being boring, not being as pretty and feminine as her cousin, criticising her choice of clothes and hairstyle, it was relentless. Sil told her to stop and cousin was also crying.

Dd was very upset so I said I thought we would best leave, but mil carried on, literally as we’re getting shoes on, that no one would care if dd was there or not, saying she was brainwashed by the woke nonsense in schools now, and that dd would never have a boyfriend if she carried on looking and behaving the way she did. Dd exploded and called her a nasty old witch and that she hated her and never wanted to see her again. Mil was screaming back that dd and I weren’t welcome anyway, and we left her hollering.

This is not the first time mil has been critical of dd but definitely the worst. In the past we’ve been able to shield dd from it but as she gets older, it’s obvious that other gc are favoured. Dd likes shorter hair, trousers, doesn’t use makeup, is quite academic. She likes what she likes and is quite happy with who she is.
Mil isn’t sliding into dementia, she’s just a critical miserable creature. She has always been like this. She called dh to complain about dd before we even got home and has demanded an apology.

Anyway dd is now saying she doesn’t want to see her again, not at Christmas, not at anything. She won’t apologise and honestly, I agree with her. Cousin was shocked and also has said she doesn’t want to be around her again, but sil is trying to get everyone to clear the air. It just feels like finally a lot of things have been said that were rumbling in the background and if mil wants to be rid of dd, then let her. I just feel incredibly sad that this has all blown up on a day that was really lovely for dniece. I know sil wants everyone to get along but this feels like it’s gone too far now. Dh is stuck between agreeing with dd and not wanting to fight with his sister.

What do I do now? I would have no problem with never seeing mil again. Dh can do whatever he sees fit. I don’t see how I can force dd to apologise and I’m not prepared to put her in the firing line again. Aibu for saying dd will not apologise?

OP posts:
usedtobeaylis · 21/10/2025 23:30

100% with your DD on that.

WineIsMyMainVice · 21/10/2025 23:28

Octonaut4Life · 20/10/2025 14:36

No way should DD apologise unless and until her nan presents the first apology. It sounds like awful bullying behavior and you're absolutely right to support your daughter.

Absolutely agree

IsThistheMiddleofNowhere · 21/10/2025 23:23

I'm with you and your DD on this. MIL verbally attacked your daughter and said unforgiveable things. There's no going back.

gardenflowergirl · 21/10/2025 23:23

Your MIL needs to recognise the part she played in this and how horrible her criticism was. MIL started it so she needs to apologise before your dd does.

TippityTappity · 21/10/2025 23:18

I’m sorry you ended up with a horror of a MIL. She’s 100% wrong and does not deserve an apology. Here’s a trick I learned a long time ago - tell her to fuck off and to stay fucked off. Forever. This can be an opportunity for your daughter to learn that she never has to accept poor treatment from anyone. Even a blood relative. You’re doing the right thing sticking up for your daughter.

AnAlpacaForChristmasPleaseSanta · 21/10/2025 23:04

CrocsNotDocs · 21/10/2025 22:55

As a perfectly happy third generation short-haired, trouser wearing make-up free woman, I say your MIL can take a running leap.

A long one off a short pier.

Keepingittogetherstepbystep · 21/10/2025 22:57

I'd be fully behind your dd decision hope she can ignore it. Females are much more ygsn long hair skirts and make up.

I was 12 when my grandma really started on me and I snapped at 18 when she sent my mum a poison pen letter full of lies. I never spoke to her directly again I was 46 when she died. I decided to do my family tree, she had secrets that were uncovered she kept deliberately sending wrong info via my aunt hoping they wouldn't be uncovered.

CrocsNotDocs · 21/10/2025 22:55

As a perfectly happy third generation short-haired, trouser wearing make-up free woman, I say your MIL can take a running leap.

Skybluepinky · 21/10/2025 22:49

My ex mil was like that, back you child and let the witch stew in her own juice.

Gall10 · 21/10/2025 22:44

Americano75 · 20/10/2025 14:33

I'm with your daughter. What an old witch.

Ditto!

RyanFudgingMurphy · 21/10/2025 22:36

My daughter is similar to yours. She didn’t go to her prom, no interest. She’s 19 now, never been in a relationship (to my knowledge), has her own style, hates frocks and make-up, and would rather watch horror movies with her mates or do her photography than spend hours getting her hair done.

Every girl is different and we should let our daughters be themselves.

Nana is wrong, and owes her DGD an apology

DangerousAlchemy · 21/10/2025 22:14

WeNeedToTalkAboutIT · 21/10/2025 08:09

I'm somebody who considers herself to be a Witch. I'm Pagan. We do such dangerous things as celebrating turning points in the year that you might know as Christmas and Easter, amongst others. They were Pagan festivals long before Christianity existed, and when the Christian church was formed they found people were so unwilling to stop marking those festivals they had to lay theirs over the top of the existing ones to get people to comply with theirs. Other such dangerous activities that we do include meditating and making healing balms out of herbs. Witchcraft is duller than you think, and not evil. Again, it was in the interests of the founders of Christianity to label our religious practices as evil, because they were having a hard time getting people to convert.

I don't take issue with the OP's daughter, but just because it's being discussed here on this thread, I do cringe when I hear the word being used as an insult, and I wish that people would stop using it as such. The word has an incredibly loaded and troublesome past, having been used as an accusation that a person - usually a woman, who behaved in any way that men decided wasn't what they thought women should be doing, was inherently evil and used to excuse the torture and femicide of many women.

It's not pleasant to see the term thrown around as a casual insult, from the point of view of my identity and religion, and from a feminist perspective. I wish people would be more mindful of the loaded connotations of the word and stop using it as an insult.

I don't blame OP's daughter for not knowing this, and given the context I REALLY would NOT like her to feel the need to apologise, but it would be nice if a few mumsnetters reading this thread were a bit more mindful about appropriate use of the term in the future.

Sorry yes, I stand corrected and apologise. It didn't occur to me the term would be offensive to some groups - i was being light hearted and frivolous in my response. Apologies 💐

AlexisP90 · 21/10/2025 22:13

The whole oh they are set in their ways argument is absolute horse shit.

You dotn get to speak to people like that. Children, adults or dogs.

Your DD might not even want a boyfriend. She might want a girlfriend. She might not want a relationship at all! All are perfectly fine!

We shouldn't have to panda to the shit that is "thats the normal way to live" in 2025

Thisisnotmyid · 21/10/2025 22:10

Back your daughter OP. Call your MIL and tell her she was out of order and she will never speak to your DD like that again. You need to show your DD this behaviour isn’t acceptable and nobody gets to speak to anyone like that

AlexisP90 · 21/10/2025 22:09

strawgoh · 21/10/2025 22:06

Read the room.

The DD stood up to her bullying abuser. No child should ever be punished for doing that.

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THIS.

AlexisP90 · 21/10/2025 22:08

Americano75 · 20/10/2025 14:33

I'm with your daughter. What an old witch.

Agree. I wouldnt want to see her again either.

Your DD is beautiful and amazing
Fuck MIL

strawgoh · 21/10/2025 22:06

EdithBond · 21/10/2025 18:56

I think your DD should take the moral high ground by apologising for the misogynistic, ageist name-calling (“nasty old witch”) and any aggressive behaviour, e.g. shouting, in her grandmother’s home. As she rightly says, at 15 you can’t ‘make’ her do anything. But that’s what I’d advise her to do.

I’d also encourage her to not be bothered by other people’s opinions, especially about how girls and women should dress and behave. And to understand the context of how some women are stuck in what they perceive as societal expectations, which is a shame. And (if she wants to) she should make a reasoned argument in response about why she disagrees with those opinions and passing judgement on others. But without resorting to losing her temper, name-calling etc. My DC often disagree with their GPs, as do I, but not via heated arguments. If it starts to get heated, we agree to park it.

However, how you and DH interact with MIL going forward is entirely up to DH. I’d advise you all consider seeing her sparingly (as you do anyway) but on the basis she keeps her judgement of others to herself, as you keep your opinions of her to yourselves.

Family rifts can sour relations in the wider family. Focus on not letting MIL undermine your good relationship with SIL and the nieces.

Read the room.

The DD stood up to her bullying abuser. No child should ever be punished for doing that.

Nayyercheekyfeckers · 21/10/2025 22:03

The sad part is that your mil probably does love your DD just as much as DN and worries about her future finding a traditional husband (c 1800s). She has very set fixed views about gender norms and is an absolutely terrible communicator. She sounds also extremely dominant in her demands for an apology. The ironic thing is that she is the one now angry and upset and no doubt will be feeling sorry for herself. She won't be able to self reflect or change either at that age. I think that your DD did well to defend herself. I do not blame her for not wishing to see her again. I think that your husband needs to explain to her exactly how toxic and hurtful her comments were. The only way forward, if at all, is if she sees the light, apologies to DD and DD accepts her apology.

MrsJeanLuc · 21/10/2025 22:02

MrsJeanLuc · 21/10/2025 21:55

This.

Aibu for saying dd will not apologise?

@Teenpromdrama I can't believe you are asking this question. Your job is to protect your daughter from this kind of shit. You should have nipped it in the bud before it got to the point where your daughter lost her temper.

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Ok I was a bit harsh.
You've obviously done a great job of bringing up your daughter to be a strong person who is confident in her own choices. Well done.
And well done for backing her up, even if you did freeze in the moment.

VeneziaJ · 21/10/2025 22:00

MIL sounds like a bitter old crone! Your poor DD! I am 100% with her on NOT apologising!

AnAlpacaForChristmasPleaseSanta · 21/10/2025 21:58

Buffs · 21/10/2025 19:47

MIL is clearly an old witch and so there is nothing to apologize for. I would also respect your daughter’s wish not to see her if she doesn’t want to.

Totally. If DD wants to feel valued as a person then her wishes on who she feels comfortable spending time with need to be respected.

Fwends · 21/10/2025 21:57

Shame the argument escalated to such a point that forced this reaction from your daughter. She was pushed and pushed, must have been so stressful to feel under such personal attack. If that had been my daughter experiencing this level of aggression from someone it would have ignited a strong protective response at a much earlier stage. It would not have had the opportunity to continue. As a mother you need to protect your babies, fight their corner and advocate for them in these situations.

MrsJeanLuc · 21/10/2025 21:55

Whatafustercluck · 20/10/2025 14:39

What did you say/ do when mil was tearing into your dd like that? Tbh, in that situation it would be me telling the mil we wouldn't be seeing her again. Absolutely no way would I expect dd to apologise - she was bullied and picked at relentlessly until she reacted (good for her!) But you should never have let it get to that stage.

This.

Aibu for saying dd will not apologise?

@Teenpromdrama I can't believe you are asking this question. Your job is to protect your daughter from this kind of shit. You should have nipped it in the bud before it got to the point where your daughter lost her temper.

AnAlpacaForChristmasPleaseSanta · 21/10/2025 21:52

EdithBond · 21/10/2025 19:41

I understand your pov. We can agree to disagree 🙏

But IMHO it’s not OK to be abusive, even on the basis of being provoked. It’s what abusive people often say: “you provoked me/deserved it”. Two wrongs don’t make a right.

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But should the MIL not also apologise for making a lifetime of personal comments to the DD too?

I'm sure this wasn't what you meant but I really hate situations where one side is encouraged to apologise to be the bigger person or keep the peace but the other person isn't. It wrongly gives them the impression they didn't do anything wrong or were justified in their behaviour and no impetus to learn or do better.

MsAmerica · 21/10/2025 21:42

I think you have a different problem. Maybe an apology can be contrived that foists back some of the blame. ("I'm sorry that your incessant harassment drove me to lose my temper.")

But although you say you've shielded your daughter, maybe you need to focus on helping her to develop coping mechanisms, since you say this is a pattern. What she chooses to say is up to her. But she could try shrugging and responding indifferently with "Thank you for your interest" or "I'll keep that in mind" or "It's not something I care about" or just "Maybe" - repeated over and over. Also, she could just walk out. I was amazed when a therapist once suggested this to me about my grandmother. She could walk out of the room, or walk out of the house.

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