To back teen dd not apologising to her nana?

Bitch is more the word. Nana can go fuck her self with a cactus before I'd make my d see her again, even I would cut her dead out of my life.

What everybody else said.

Tell SIL that whilst you understand why she is trying to be a peacemaker, Nana has burned her bridges and Dd and you want nothing more to do with her. Nana made her feelings about dd very clear, and there is nothing more to be said.

Your dd sounds very like mine. My own DDad has started making comments (to me) about dd ‘looking butch’ and I’ve had to be pretty sharp with him. If he dared say anything like that to her face, it would be game over and I would be making that crystal clear to him.

I hope your dd and your dniece are ok.

What 'does' that mean?

Why would she apologise? She snapped under pressure and won’t be wanting to see mil again.

I agree. I'm very mild mannered and tolerant, but I'd have lost my shit at that behaviour towards my child and walked out at the first nasty comment (after giving it back with both barrels). There's not a chance I'd ever have anything to do with her ever again, let alone apologise. Life is far too short to put up with people like that.

That’s interesting @Branleuse . My dad did that, but with me. He doesn’t get to see DS(11) now because we live 7 hours away and DH and I agreed that we’re not risking him doing the same to DS.

A lot of the time on here I think that people ought to compromise and be a bit more understanding in the interests of family amity.

However here it’s very important for the girl’s future well being that she knows that her parents 1) love her unconditionally and have her back and 2) that she is entitled to fight back when attacked. Please don’t make her apologise for retaliating when attacked by a more powerful adversary.

Team DD here too.

Your MIL was being a bully. The worst thing you could do is make your DD apologise to her. Stand firm for her/with her.

Your DD will feel better about herself without this nasty Nana in her life trying to drag her down and undermine her confidence. I'd be staying away with my DD and let DH go on his own to visit her if he wished. I certainly would not be inviting her I to your and your DD home again. Sil must do as she pleases but not try to influence you or your DD. If she does I'd say SIL we have always got on but back off on this or we will fall out too.

I just realized you were present for this incident. You need to apologize to your daughter. You should have stepped in and stopped this much earlier.

I have an evil grandmother. She is a wonderful, creative woman 95% of the time. Then a switch flips and she becomes vicious, targeting people with her words.

None of my generation let her spend any time with our children. It is our job to protect them. She gets pictures and descriptions. she doesn’t get direct contact.

Your husband should 100%back hos daughter and not be afraid of falling out with his sister, although I belive her intentions are good.

I am glad you are backing your daughter, she sounds lovely and very individual. Good on her. I hope she never apologises, and never see's that witch again.

I'm with your daughter although, as her mum, I think I'd have told nana ro fuck off and removed my daughter long before it got that far.

Your daughter doesn't need to apologise for standing up for herself.

In fact, I know I would having had to remove my children from situations with my mother.

Ive recently stopped contacting my elderly dad because he had an unprovoked rant at my adult son and then when i tried to talk to him about it and suggested he apologise, he doubled down and refused.
I think your mother in law has behaved a lot worse than my dad, and i would find it absolutely outrageous.
I think its so important that our kids know that we are on their side and that we dont have to put up with toxic shit like this.

I knew you were going to say she only liked trousers and didn’t wear makeup.

But getting to the point of the Q. MIL sounds cruel. She sounds frustrated her GD doesn’t act like a girl. Before anyone jumps on, we KNOW what that means.

Your MIL’s behaviour was despicable. No child should be spoken to like that by an adult family member. Why was this allowed to get as far as it did?? The moment the comments turned from general chat into criticism of your DD, that was the point to stop it and leave. Your poor DD was backed into a corner and she had to defend herself and now she's at the centre of a family conflict that will have consequences for a lot of people.

The issue for you shouldn't be whether your DD needs to apologise or not (she doesn't), but how you and your DH will protect your DD from further harm!

Blimey, what an awful grandmother. She's really blown it. She has no right to tell your DD how to exist.

No apology necessary, she retaliated having been bullied by her GM. It must have been a massive shock.

You should praise your daughter for standing up for herself. Her grandmother is an abusive bully.

Let your daughter decide if she wants the woman to be allowed to apologize to her or not. Let your daughter decide if she wants the grandmother invited to future activities and family gatherings. If you are not hosting and don’t control the guest list, you should stay home in solidarity if she decides not to attend.

What did your partner have to say about this? This woman sounds evil. Disgraceful behaviour I would have little to do with her in the future unless she apologies and states it will never happen again.

Of course your daughter is right. But why did you not speak up for her sooner, and remove her from the situation waaay before it got to shouting levels? I don’t understand that bit.

Has anything else happened?

The bit from the MIL about 'wokeness' at school seemed to stick out. Does she think your DD is a lesbian or heading towards transgender maybe.

Something seemed to have pressed a button and i wonder if someone has said something to her. Gossip or in confidence. Cousin to SIL to MIL maybe?

Regardless her behaviour was abhorrent.

The air won't clear unless MIL undergoes a complete personality change by the sound of it.

I would want to protect DD from ever having to see her again.

Give your daughter a big hug from me for standing up to this horrible woman, ask you SIL what if it was her daughter being attacked verbally? What would she do?

Thanks for supporting your daughter in any choices she makes, it's just wonderful for your daughter to have you on side. And good on your daughter, being happy with exactly who she is and I would honour her wishes. That tirade was absolutely awful and your daughter will need you to make sure no damage done. Never apologise either, there is only one person who needs to make an apology and I don't think MIL will do this.. Please send your daughter a hug from a mumsnetter.

What is this "clear the air" crap from your SIL?

The air is already very clear. There is no hidden, underground bad feeling here. It is all out in the open already.

MIL dislikes your daughter, and has shown her whole arse in front of everybody by slagging her off and bullying her.

Your daughter very understandably thinks that MIL is a nasty old witch, as indeed she is, and has said so.

MIL says that you and your daughter aren't welcome. Daughter never wants to see MIL again, and I'm assuming you're probably not keen to do so either. So everyone seems to be in agreement on that point.

Everything is very clear. What does SIL hope to clarify?

I can only assume that SIL doesn't want to have to deal with the nasty old witch without a buffer zone.

Team DD here. But your DH needs to grow a pair and stand up for his daughter - to both his mother and his sister. He doesn't have to be rude. He's enabling his mother as much as his sister is. He needs to be careful he doesn't ruin his relationship with his daughter because he can't deal with his mad mother.