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Original poster

To back teen dd not apologising to her nana?

557 replies

Teenpromdrama · 20/10/2025 14:31

Dd15 is adamant that she doesn’t want to go to prom next summer. Dh and I have always said it’s her choice, she can decide later once tickets are out, and she can wear whatever she prefers. We’re really not at all bothered either way. She is quiet and introverted but can be very black and white with some opinions. She generally keeps these to herself but if she really cares about something, will speak up.

This weekend her cousin, also 15, went for a prom dress appointment and invited dd and me along with sil. The cousins are great friends and dniece had said she knew dd wasn’t interested in prom, but she wanted her opinion and dd agreed happily. We had a nice day out and dniece picked a lovely dress, we had lunch, it was all good. That afternoon we all went back to mil’s house as the dress shop was in the town where she lives. The dress and prom was talked about which was to be expected, but mil then kept on and on about dd not going, not picking a dress, and it turned into an attack on dd for being quiet, having few friends, being boring, not being as pretty and feminine as her cousin, criticising her choice of clothes and hairstyle, it was relentless. Sil told her to stop and cousin was also crying.

Dd was very upset so I said I thought we would best leave, but mil carried on, literally as we’re getting shoes on, that no one would care if dd was there or not, saying she was brainwashed by the woke nonsense in schools now, and that dd would never have a boyfriend if she carried on looking and behaving the way she did. Dd exploded and called her a nasty old witch and that she hated her and never wanted to see her again. Mil was screaming back that dd and I weren’t welcome anyway, and we left her hollering.

This is not the first time mil has been critical of dd but definitely the worst. In the past we’ve been able to shield dd from it but as she gets older, it’s obvious that other gc are favoured. Dd likes shorter hair, trousers, doesn’t use makeup, is quite academic. She likes what she likes and is quite happy with who she is.
Mil isn’t sliding into dementia, she’s just a critical miserable creature. She has always been like this. She called dh to complain about dd before we even got home and has demanded an apology.

Anyway dd is now saying she doesn’t want to see her again, not at Christmas, not at anything. She won’t apologise and honestly, I agree with her. Cousin was shocked and also has said she doesn’t want to be around her again, but sil is trying to get everyone to clear the air. It just feels like finally a lot of things have been said that were rumbling in the background and if mil wants to be rid of dd, then let her. I just feel incredibly sad that this has all blown up on a day that was really lovely for dniece. I know sil wants everyone to get along but this feels like it’s gone too far now. Dh is stuck between agreeing with dd and not wanting to fight with his sister.

What do I do now? I would have no problem with never seeing mil again. Dh can do whatever he sees fit. I don’t see how I can force dd to apologise and I’m not prepared to put her in the firing line again. Aibu for saying dd will not apologise?

OP posts:
GasPanic · 20/10/2025 15:51

"She has always been like this."

This is the endpoint if you tolerate that sort of behaviour.

It should have been made clear to her years ago that this wasn't acceptable.

Fabulously · 20/10/2025 15:51

Also does your husband silently agree with mil views? If he’s been raised by her, he probably shares similar ideals.

BoringBarbie · 20/10/2025 15:50

What kind of apology does MIL want?

"I'm sorry you're a nasty old witch, and that you won't see me or speak to me again." is the only one I can think of.

Sleepflower43 · 20/10/2025 15:50

Team DD 100%. You should be very proud that she stood up for herself!
You and your DH now need to support her decision to go NC.

Fabulously · 20/10/2025 15:49

is this her biological grandmother too?

I think this is one where your husband needs to take the lead. Right now, when you’re furious on your child’s behalf, he’s framing it as you vs them in his head whilst firmly placing himself in the middle. Whereas he needs to be the one going up against his family in the sense of telling them it isn’t right and that changes are required etc as opposed to him just trying to keep the peace and continue as before. I really don’t understand why he would fall out with his sister over this, there’s nothing offensive that comes from saying it’s “best to keep them apart” or whatever.

PicaK · 20/10/2025 15:48

I have a feeling you let it go on a bit to see if DD would change her mind.
Team DD all the way. She is owed profusely apologies from...
You
Your dh
But mostly her nan

ThisGentleRaven · 20/10/2025 15:48

nosleepforme · 20/10/2025 15:39

for me there’s two things here

  1. mil - horrible, wouldn’t want her near my dd ever again. Completely unacceptable and abusive. she’s a bully! And a nasty witch.
  2. dd reaction - it wasn’t polite. Let’s just be frank. But she’s human and a teen, so I totally understand her.

I don’t think I would make dd apologise. It’s a shame she reacted with name calling a grandparent, but I really don’t blame her. What else could she have done to defend the abuse that just wasn’t stopping?!
i think your job right now is to support dd and not subject her to a relationship in which she is being bullied.

not polite?

called her a nasty old witch and that she hated her and never wanted to see her again

that is extremely polite

I would be extremely impressed to have a teen pushed to the limit not saying worst than that.

I wouldn't have waited for her to explode, I would likely have told MIL to shut up long before this.

waterproofed · 20/10/2025 15:47

#teamDD

sugarapplelane · 20/10/2025 15:47

What a cow! I’m with your DD.
My DD sounds scarily similar to yours and if ever anyone was to criticise her the way your MIL criticised your Dad there would be hell to pay.
Your SIL was there so saw and heard everything her Mother said and still wants to clear the air? It beggars belief, it really does.

Shoulderscuff · 20/10/2025 15:45

God all mighty, what have I read?
Your MIL has had access you your child for years to abuse her verbally and emotionally and has escalated to a horrific verbal attack of her?

And your husband feels in the middle?

Your poor daughter, utterly failed by her parents that it would ever get to this stage.

She will rightly look back on this time and judge you all very harshly.

That poor poor child.

No she should not apologise.
She should never be near that woman again.
That woman should never be allowed visit or see any of your children again.
Your husband is a disgrace that he feels any conflict.
You need to give your head a wobble and tell your husband to tell his mother to never come near any of you again.

Your SIL is no better.
What a shower.
Such appalling low class behaviour in front of children.

Beenwhereyouareagain · 20/10/2025 15:44

GingerIsBest · 20/10/2025 14:43

I bet there's a long history of MIL being batshit and crazy. She sounds like a narcissistic mother (and grandmother) to me which means that your DH and SIL are probably damaged by her as well, but might not even be aware of it. SIL sounds like shes the one who puts up with a lot of her mother's nonsense for an easy life while your DH is stepping away more.

It' salso pretty much a sideways DARVO moment. Your MIL has turned herself into the victim becuase of the way your DD spoke to her, rather than accepting any responsibiltiy for her actions or words.

Personally, I'd be inclined to say taht DD (or perhaps you/ your DH) should apologise for how she spoke, BUT not brush anything under the carpet. So, "I should not have spoken to you like that and my language was unacceptable. H owever, I will no longer put up with you constantly criticising me and I do not wish to have any sort of relationship with you in the future."

But I wouldn't be killing yourself over it and perhaps it's better if your DH does it, "DD shouldn't have used that language but Mum, your behaviour was completely unacceptable and as a result I am supporting DD in her decision to no longer have a relationship with you. If you would like that to change, you will have to apologise to her and do the work to ensure you no longer treat her like a second class citizen because her choices are not your choices."

What language? Seriously asking.

thepariscrimefiles · 20/10/2025 15:44

Absolutely do not apologise or make your DD apologise. Cut her out of your lives. She is a horrible person and I can't believe that a grandmother would say such dreadful things to her own grandaughter.

Your SIL may want it all to be forgiven and forgotten, but don't go along with it. Keep sticking up for your daughter, who sounds great by the way. I'm sure she's got a bright future ahead.

Dacatspjs · 20/10/2025 15:44

I don't even think about apology from the old cow will cut it. She's said far too much, and shown what she really thinks.

I'd do Christmas at yours, invite SIL and cousin and leave MIL to stew in her own misery.

eqpi4t2hbsnktd · 20/10/2025 15:44

Keep your child safe... your mum sounds horrid.

grapesstrawberriespleass · 20/10/2025 15:43

nosleepforme · 20/10/2025 15:39

for me there’s two things here

  1. mil - horrible, wouldn’t want her near my dd ever again. Completely unacceptable and abusive. she’s a bully! And a nasty witch.
  2. dd reaction - it wasn’t polite. Let’s just be frank. But she’s human and a teen, so I totally understand her.

I don’t think I would make dd apologise. It’s a shame she reacted with name calling a grandparent, but I really don’t blame her. What else could she have done to defend the abuse that just wasn’t stopping?!
i think your job right now is to support dd and not subject her to a relationship in which she is being bullied.

Not polite?! Of course it wasn’t polite. How do you ‘politely’ respond to being attacked? She’s a 15 year old, the MIL is an adult and knows better. No wonder the daughter snapped. Who cares that she name called her grandparent?! You don’t automatically respect your elders simply because they’re older.

QueenClinomania · 20/10/2025 15:42

Don't make your daughter apologise or see her again.
Saying all that to her granddaughter was foul and doesn't deserve forgiveness

RoseAlone · 20/10/2025 15:42

My mother has been like this with my middle child who is now a young adult. I back them 100% ironically it's my husband that has a problem with it saying that there is a responsibility to see grandparents.

I've supported mine completely and will never force them into contact that does them harm.

Well done to your daughter, it sounds like it was a long time coming.

DiscoBob · 20/10/2025 15:42

There is no way she she apologise unless MIL comes forward with a very very sincere and heartfelt apology and assurance she understands her behaviour has been appalling and it won't happen again. Then daughter could say, if she wants to, that she is sorry for the words she used but she did so because she was so hurt by this barrage of criticism.

If no apologies from her side are forthcoming then NC is fine.

Anywherebuthere · 20/10/2025 15:41

Ddakji · 20/10/2025 15:20

MIL draws first.

No apology from her, no apology from DD.

There should be no apology from DD at all, whether the MIL does or not.
She did nothing to deserve that behaviour from her gran. I would usually be one to say let things go for the sake of family but a child shouldn't be made to apologise for standing up against a bully just because they're related.

nosleepforme · 20/10/2025 15:39

for me there’s two things here

  1. mil - horrible, wouldn’t want her near my dd ever again. Completely unacceptable and abusive. she’s a bully! And a nasty witch.
  2. dd reaction - it wasn’t polite. Let’s just be frank. But she’s human and a teen, so I totally understand her.

I don’t think I would make dd apologise. It’s a shame she reacted with name calling a grandparent, but I really don’t blame her. What else could she have done to defend the abuse that just wasn’t stopping?!
i think your job right now is to support dd and not subject her to a relationship in which she is being bullied.

BumblePan · 20/10/2025 15:39

Adult v Child here. MIL needs to show maturity and apologise. I don't see why DD should apologise when defending herself from abuse by an Adult.

myheadsjustmush · 20/10/2025 15:39

100% back your poor DD on this one. What a dreadful thing to happen - your MIL certainly seems like a truly evil excuse for a human being.

My DS did not want to do prom either. He had the choice, but it really isn't his thing. We gave him money instead, equivalent to what we would have spent if he had attended prom.

And well done to your wonderful DD for standing up to this evil witch.

TwoFatDucklings · 20/10/2025 15:39

That's disgusting.
Your MIL needs to apologise to your DD and your DH needs to communicate that to his mother very clearly.

Your DHs first priority is his daughter. Not his sister or mother

WallaceinAnderland · 20/10/2025 15:39

This is a win win situation. You never have to see her again.

Tell SIL the relationship is over as far as you and dd are concerned and you don't want to hear any more about it.

MotherMary14 · 20/10/2025 15:37

Your DD is a superstar for calling her out. Both you and your DH should be unequivocally backing her against your MIL and flying monkey SIL. If your DD doesn't want to be in the same room as her grandmother ever again, so be it. Under no circumstances force her to play happy families or your DD will never forgive you.