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Original poster

To back teen dd not apologising to her nana?

557 replies

Teenpromdrama · 20/10/2025 14:31

Dd15 is adamant that she doesn’t want to go to prom next summer. Dh and I have always said it’s her choice, she can decide later once tickets are out, and she can wear whatever she prefers. We’re really not at all bothered either way. She is quiet and introverted but can be very black and white with some opinions. She generally keeps these to herself but if she really cares about something, will speak up.

This weekend her cousin, also 15, went for a prom dress appointment and invited dd and me along with sil. The cousins are great friends and dniece had said she knew dd wasn’t interested in prom, but she wanted her opinion and dd agreed happily. We had a nice day out and dniece picked a lovely dress, we had lunch, it was all good. That afternoon we all went back to mil’s house as the dress shop was in the town where she lives. The dress and prom was talked about which was to be expected, but mil then kept on and on about dd not going, not picking a dress, and it turned into an attack on dd for being quiet, having few friends, being boring, not being as pretty and feminine as her cousin, criticising her choice of clothes and hairstyle, it was relentless. Sil told her to stop and cousin was also crying.

Dd was very upset so I said I thought we would best leave, but mil carried on, literally as we’re getting shoes on, that no one would care if dd was there or not, saying she was brainwashed by the woke nonsense in schools now, and that dd would never have a boyfriend if she carried on looking and behaving the way she did. Dd exploded and called her a nasty old witch and that she hated her and never wanted to see her again. Mil was screaming back that dd and I weren’t welcome anyway, and we left her hollering.

This is not the first time mil has been critical of dd but definitely the worst. In the past we’ve been able to shield dd from it but as she gets older, it’s obvious that other gc are favoured. Dd likes shorter hair, trousers, doesn’t use makeup, is quite academic. She likes what she likes and is quite happy with who she is.
Mil isn’t sliding into dementia, she’s just a critical miserable creature. She has always been like this. She called dh to complain about dd before we even got home and has demanded an apology.

Anyway dd is now saying she doesn’t want to see her again, not at Christmas, not at anything. She won’t apologise and honestly, I agree with her. Cousin was shocked and also has said she doesn’t want to be around her again, but sil is trying to get everyone to clear the air. It just feels like finally a lot of things have been said that were rumbling in the background and if mil wants to be rid of dd, then let her. I just feel incredibly sad that this has all blown up on a day that was really lovely for dniece. I know sil wants everyone to get along but this feels like it’s gone too far now. Dh is stuck between agreeing with dd and not wanting to fight with his sister.

What do I do now? I would have no problem with never seeing mil again. Dh can do whatever he sees fit. I don’t see how I can force dd to apologise and I’m not prepared to put her in the firing line again. Aibu for saying dd will not apologise?

OP posts:
Doobeedoobeedoobee · 20/10/2025 16:55

With your DD for sure, definitely back her up!

nosleepforme · 20/10/2025 16:55

grapesstrawberriespleass · 20/10/2025 15:43

Not polite?! Of course it wasn’t polite. How do you ‘politely’ respond to being attacked? She’s a 15 year old, the MIL is an adult and knows better. No wonder the daughter snapped. Who cares that she name called her grandparent?! You don’t automatically respect your elders simply because they’re older.

Show quote history

Of course I don’t blame dd. I mean, what else should she do?! Help mil come up with insults? What a terrible grandmother

GAJLY · 20/10/2025 16:55

I'm an adult and if someone spoke to me like that, I would have said the same. I would never see them again. I'm with your daughter here. Your husband is welcome to visit his mil but she would no longer be welcome in our home. I certainly wouldn't visit her again.

I had a very attractive older sister and grandparents were forever comparing us (not nice for me! As they constantly criticised my weight and looks), I was fat, spotty and geek like. I did really well education/career wise and lost the weight as soon as I left the family home (what does that tell you?! Obviously comfort eating). I stopped visiting my grandparents after I left home, because I realised I didn't have to! It was empowering and I felt good about myself. Listen to your daughter and support her.

Ohtodostarjumps · 20/10/2025 16:52

If ever there was a case for NC, this is it. I’d wipe the floor with her first though, but that’s me.

mummymissessunshine · 20/10/2025 16:51

What a vile woman

she ruined a lovely day because she is a bitch.

your DD is spot on. She sounds lovely and independent and her cousin sounds lovely too. Pls support them to have a relationship and support DD to know she did the right thing and that she should never be expected to put up with behaviour like that from anyone.

DH and SiL can do whatever they like. But you and DD can move on from this

Rosscameasdoody · 20/10/2025 16:46

VenusClapTrap · 20/10/2025 16:23

It will actually help your SIL and your DH if they see someone setting an example and standing up to MIL.

This. DH’s loyalty is not to his sister, it’s to his daughter and he should be supporting her in her decision not to apologise and to have nothing further to do with her GM. I don’t think there’s any coming back from this.

DisappearingGirl · 20/10/2025 16:44

What a horrible gran! Your DD sounds great, as does her cousin.

No I wouldn't want her to apologise. However I wouldn't want it to turn into a fight with SIL either. It sounds like SIL stood up for your DD. However of course she's conflicted as it's her own mum (poor SIL!). If SIL talks about reconciliation I'd just keep repeating that it's all a bit raw at the moment and everyone needs some space from the situation (even if privately you plan never to see evil MIL again!).

Purpleturtle45 · 20/10/2025 16:44

What a bitch, i'm not surprised your daughter wants nothing to do with her. Your husband can have a relationship with her if he wants and you and your daughter steer clear. Nothing to stop your husband caring for his Mum so it's not all left to your SIL if that's what he wants.

AliceMcK · 20/10/2025 16:43

Of course she chose a lovely day to do it because now she’s made it all about her which is exactly what she wants. The woman sounds like a classic narcissist, far too many traits to describe here but if you google narcissistic parents you will hit the jackpot.

This is exactly why my children will never be around my own mother, she’s a nasty bitch who has no problem tearing her own children and grandchildren down.

Stick to your guns, tell your DH to grow some balls and back his dd. Of course sil knows she will be left holding the vicious bag if you go nc but then again her dd is a golden child so going Nc is going to be harder for her, but ultimately her decision.

Id tell her you and dd are done, there is no point clearing the air, no child should be subjected to that let alone from their grandparent. You won’t make sil choose you will just be stopping contact with mil, what DH dose is his business, but I’d seriously consider pointing out to him if he isn’t fully supporting you and dd there is no point being with him.

The thing is in these situations people will bleat on about not wanting to take sides, but by “not taking a side” they are fully on the side of the abusive person.

EgregiouslyOverdressed · 20/10/2025 16:41

YANBU. It says everything that she waited until you left the room to launch her full-throated attack. She is a bully and your job is to protect your DD from her, not mollify her.

Twinkylightsg · 20/10/2025 16:41

Why does your DH have to fight his sister?

Cherrysoup · 20/10/2025 16:40

Oof! Dd definitely doesn’t owe an apology, nasty cow gm does, big time! You should definitely have removed dd from the situation much quicker but I know in the moment, it’s tricky. No way would I or dd be seeing your mil again.

Fairnair · 20/10/2025 16:39

There is only one person who should be apologising and it is not your DD.

Bananaandmangosmoothie · 20/10/2025 16:37

Your daughter is not the one who should be apologising. I had a milder version of this with my step grandmother. She was always telling me I didn’t have any friends because I was focused on academics while the other cousins were out clubbing.

A nice way to support your daughter would be to give her the money you would have spent on her prom.

Tessasanderson · 20/10/2025 16:35

You have brought up a DD who sounds like she has her own personality, has her own way of thinking, her own style and from what you have said is a kind & caring individual.

If she is made to apologise it will be like stabbing her in the back with a 6" knife.

Dont lower yourself to MIL level. Dont engage with her and dont get dragged into any conversations your DD doesnt consent to.

MIL will either get over it and realise what a bitch she was/is or she will fester. Either way its not your problem

freakingscared · 20/10/2025 16:30

Your mil is a horrible and personally I wouldn’t what her near my child anyway , if your child already saw her by who she is then good , at least you no longer have to protect her . Just cut her of your life

SleepingisanArt · 20/10/2025 16:29

Your DD sounds fantastic. Enjoy your life free of your MIL - if your husband wants to see her he can, alone and away from your home.

whimsicallyprickly · 20/10/2025 16:28

Hopefully you, DH and DD will never see or speak to that vile woman again. She's evil

NewtonsCradle · 20/10/2025 16:27

Your mil was abusive your DD wasn't. I think your DH will be ineffectual in this situation as; it's his mum and there's triangulation with your sil.
I think you and your DH should go to your mil house (without your DD and without the sil). Explain clearly to the mil that she has an opportunity to come to your house and apologise to your DD (in front of you) or she can choose not to. Don't threaten or lambast her, she sounds like she has a personality disorder so will escalate if it becomes heated. Then leave and give her some time. She will likely try and reach out or buy a present for your DD or something. I think it's down to your DD, DH and yourself what is an acceptable apology but I doubt your mil is capable of behaving like a 'normal' person.

AnneShirleyBlythe · 20/10/2025 16:27

Why did you not step in sooner when she started bullying your DD? No way would I have let that happen! We would have left as soon as she started her nastiness. Your DD has done nothing wrong & it’s the GM who should be apologising. She sounds a piece of work & your DD shouldn’t have to ever see her if she doesn’t want to.

LadyDarcy80s · 20/10/2025 16:24

I’m with your dd here, don’t make her apologise and I’d never be around her again either.

PrimoPiatti · 20/10/2025 16:24

Prom? Yet another American import designed to empty the pockets of hard pressed parents.

Tanya285 · 20/10/2025 16:24

MIL is a complete cow obviously and I'd never be seeing her again.

From your description of your dd, particularly the black and white thinking I was wondering about ASD. Well done her for standing up for herself, I'm sure that can't have been easy.

Benjithedog · 20/10/2025 16:23

You tell the mil that both you and your daughter expect an apology and if one isn’t forthcoming there will be no more contact between you all. Her actions that day were inexcusable and your daughter will not be apologising for sticking up for herself.

Finaly · 20/10/2025 16:23

Walk away and don't look back. 20 years of tiptoeing around is 20 years too long. I had a MIL like that, 18 months of small digs that I tried to ignore, then one incident where her behaviour was horrific and she quickly learned she'd stepped on the wrong toes this time. I told her exactly what I thought of her and never spoke to her again. She missed out on years of Christmas and birthday celebrations and a relationship with her grandkids.