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Original poster

To back teen dd not apologising to her nana?

557 replies

Teenpromdrama · 20/10/2025 14:31

Dd15 is adamant that she doesn’t want to go to prom next summer. Dh and I have always said it’s her choice, she can decide later once tickets are out, and she can wear whatever she prefers. We’re really not at all bothered either way. She is quiet and introverted but can be very black and white with some opinions. She generally keeps these to herself but if she really cares about something, will speak up.

This weekend her cousin, also 15, went for a prom dress appointment and invited dd and me along with sil. The cousins are great friends and dniece had said she knew dd wasn’t interested in prom, but she wanted her opinion and dd agreed happily. We had a nice day out and dniece picked a lovely dress, we had lunch, it was all good. That afternoon we all went back to mil’s house as the dress shop was in the town where she lives. The dress and prom was talked about which was to be expected, but mil then kept on and on about dd not going, not picking a dress, and it turned into an attack on dd for being quiet, having few friends, being boring, not being as pretty and feminine as her cousin, criticising her choice of clothes and hairstyle, it was relentless. Sil told her to stop and cousin was also crying.

Dd was very upset so I said I thought we would best leave, but mil carried on, literally as we’re getting shoes on, that no one would care if dd was there or not, saying she was brainwashed by the woke nonsense in schools now, and that dd would never have a boyfriend if she carried on looking and behaving the way she did. Dd exploded and called her a nasty old witch and that she hated her and never wanted to see her again. Mil was screaming back that dd and I weren’t welcome anyway, and we left her hollering.

This is not the first time mil has been critical of dd but definitely the worst. In the past we’ve been able to shield dd from it but as she gets older, it’s obvious that other gc are favoured. Dd likes shorter hair, trousers, doesn’t use makeup, is quite academic. She likes what she likes and is quite happy with who she is.
Mil isn’t sliding into dementia, she’s just a critical miserable creature. She has always been like this. She called dh to complain about dd before we even got home and has demanded an apology.

Anyway dd is now saying she doesn’t want to see her again, not at Christmas, not at anything. She won’t apologise and honestly, I agree with her. Cousin was shocked and also has said she doesn’t want to be around her again, but sil is trying to get everyone to clear the air. It just feels like finally a lot of things have been said that were rumbling in the background and if mil wants to be rid of dd, then let her. I just feel incredibly sad that this has all blown up on a day that was really lovely for dniece. I know sil wants everyone to get along but this feels like it’s gone too far now. Dh is stuck between agreeing with dd and not wanting to fight with his sister.

What do I do now? I would have no problem with never seeing mil again. Dh can do whatever he sees fit. I don’t see how I can force dd to apologise and I’m not prepared to put her in the firing line again. Aibu for saying dd will not apologise?

OP posts:
strawgoh · 20/10/2025 17:14

"DH is stuck wanting to protect everyone"

Well @Teenpromdrama - your DH has to put your DD at the top of that list and protect her from his sniper of a mother.

MrsBennetsPoorNervesAreBack · 20/10/2025 17:13

I'm a bit late to the party but I'm definitely Team DD.

GasPanic · 20/10/2025 17:13

TheatricalLife · 20/10/2025 16:14

Oh, shes one of those"I don't sugar coat things, I tell it like it is" cunts. I'll hazard a guess she also likes the word snowflake.
I'd reaffirm to SIL that have absolutely no issues with her, but you won't be apologising to MIL or seeing her again. SIL is an adult and can choose herself if she wants to see her mum and how much support she offers. That's not on you. You don't need to feel guilt for protecting DD from an evil bitch.

In my experience it's always the ones that "like to tell it like it is" who hate the most "being told like it is".

They are OK dishing it out but not taking it.

She is on her own. So let her stew in the whole hateful mess she has created.

saraclara · 20/10/2025 17:12

I feel sorry for everyone, here. Except MIL of course.

SIL absolutely stuck up for your DD, but she and your DH have had a lifetime of this awful woman. Given that she's probably spent that lifetime avoiding conflict with her awful mother, the very fact that she waded in on your daughter's behalf is a big thing. I've been your SIL and when I finally came out of the FOG and challenged my mum (it was my brother I was standing up for... It's easier to stand up for someone else I think) it was kind of terrifying, yet powerful.

But now of course SIL's dealing with the fallout, so I'd be gentle with her. DH wasn't there, which makes it slightly harder, but again, while it's necessary, he's looking for a way to defend his child in a way that doesn't blow things apart even more (the cousin doesn't deserve her prom dress day to blow her mother and uncle apart, on top of what's already happened).

In DH's place I'd be saying something like "DD used language which wasn't ideal, but the things you said to her were inexcusable. Even SIL told you to stop, but you didn't, and consequently you ruined Dniece's day as well as your relationship with DD. I won't be asking her to apologise, because I think what you said to her was far more hurtful than her final response"

MissionaryMumtoOne · 20/10/2025 17:12

Why can’t your MIL apologies first? She started the whole thing and upset your DD first? I don’t blame your DD for her reaction at all. If MIL wants an apology she should lead by example.

665theneighborofthebeast · 20/10/2025 17:11

Side note. Your DD lost no moral ground by swearing. Do not make her apologise for having a strong emotional response to this and expressing this. It moves the focus away from what actually happened and who was morally and ethically right.

MyOpalCat · 20/10/2025 17:10

I would not be getting her to apologise.

My IL have bouts of this little digs then not shut down quickly it escalated to attacks - usually at DS even DH found it odd it wasn't anything DS did and usaully FIL doing it - it comes and goes no clue what it is. Though digs are me are much more regular and I reach the point years ago of answering back shutting it down polietly enough in way that's hard to comment on.

We tend to step in and then kept DS very close by and have an escape route. That's more luck I suppose that we've avoided escalation.

As it's reached this point I think you have to draw a line and back your DD. I'd tell SIL that this behavior been going on years now and line was badly crossed - that for moment you and DD do not wish to see MIL but hope it's not going to spill over into your and DD relationship with them - it's all very upsetting and not time to mend bridges. Then I'd avoid all future talk about any meet ups of getting along.

Uricon2 · 20/10/2025 17:10

Also, at your DD's age, a court would not insist she saw a non resident parent if she didn't want to. Why should she have to be in the orbit of a grandmother who behaves like that?

strawgoh · 20/10/2025 17:07

Your DD is completely right and I'd back that up 100% and a bloody well done to her for not tolerating that appalling prolonged criticism of her. It took a lot for her to do that, and by gum your MIL deserved it. Despicable cow.

665theneighborofthebeast · 20/10/2025 17:07

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 20/10/2025 16:13

I feel sorry for your SIL.

The FOG "fear, obligation, guilt" is very real.

Sounds like your MIL needs a short, sharp, shock.

Her children need to say to her, "Look, you horrible witch, everyone has had enough of your toxic behaviour. We've put up with it for far too long and we're not going to force our children to put up with it as well. So it's up to you. Either you turn over a new leaf in your twilight years, break the habit of a lifetime and start being nice to your family for a change, or you're on your own. When you can no longer look after yourself we'll put you in a nursing home and not visit you. What's it to be?"

This is the way!
United front behind this message. She chooses to behave this way, she can chose not to. She needs to be clearly shown that her actions have consequences she is going to have to live with this time.

Your DH needs to be clear too " keeping the peace" should not be something that forces your children to interact with people who abuse them. Not. Ever.

Tinatubby73 · 20/10/2025 17:06

I'm on DD side. Do not make her apologise and go back there. Stay well away from the old witch 100%

OutingHobbyWife · 20/10/2025 17:05

I wouldn't see her again and I absolutely agree your dd should not be made to apologise. If dh wanted to continue to see her then that's his choice but he doesn't get to inflict her on the rest of you and he must make it clear to her that you and dd are not to be discussed.

Sorry your day was spoiled.

mumuseli · 20/10/2025 17:05

Your daughter sounds great in that she is confident enough to be herself and not feel she has to look and dress in a way that others might expect. Good for her, and I hope she knows how strong and admirable she is.
I’m so sorry to hear that her own grandmother was so nasty to her. Good for you for backing her.
I hope your husband can back your daughter as well. If he still wants to see his mother then of course he can, but he needs to understand that what she has done is cruel and she needs to apologise to her granddaughter. You mentioned that he doesn’t want to fall out with his sister – well he doesn’t need to fall out with her… surely they can agree to disagree if they have different feelings about what should happen next, and still keep their own relationship together.
X

KaleidoscopeSmile · 20/10/2025 17:04

Well obviously you're not being unreasonable if she did indeed behave in the ludicrous way you've described. Why do you even need to ask?

Potatoespotatoesagain · 20/10/2025 17:04

Teenpromdrama · 20/10/2025 16:06

Thanks for the support, even the ones criticising me. Believe me, I’m wondering how it got so far. The op was getting kind of long so I maybe didn't explain how it came about so well.

First it was little digs, so talking about the dress dniece chose and mil would say ‘oh not your sort of thing at all, it’s not black dd’, asking dniece why she invited us (and not her), implying we would be no use as an opinion. Sil tends to stick to simple factual responses, she’s had a lifetime of this stuff.
Then we were talking about hair and jewellery stuff, again mil was dismissive of dd ‘your hair wouldn’t be long enough for that style’, ‘you never wear nice jewellery so it wouldn’t matter’. Writing it out seems like it could be nothing but it’s the tone, the slightly sneery way it’s said, it’s hard to explain.

The character attack came when I was out of the room, I came back from the bathroom and sil was telling mil to stop, I don’t know exactly what had been said before but mil carried on with comments that dd should be more like her cousin, that she would just sit and look miserable like she always does, that she was boring and always wearing black. I will admit I froze, sil was shouting that was enough, I then said to dd ‘we’re going’ and went to the hall where the shoes were.

Dd was putting her boots on, lots of laces so it wasn’t quick. Mil came after us and was ranting the woke stuff. I was shaking with anger but didn’t want to lose it, I’ve spent 20 plus years treading on eggshells around this woman. I am ashamed that it wasn’t me that spoke up. I am so proud of my dd that she did.

Dd has spoken to dniece and they both were upset about it, but not at each other. They will be fine. Neither family lives in the same town as mil so it’s not a problem to avoid her at all.

If it wasn’t for sil also being upset I would walk away and never look back. Sil is lovely and I think both she and dh have put up with a lot. Fil died some years back now. I suspect sil can see that if we cut ties, she will be stuck with the baggage now. Dh is stuck wanting to protect everyone.

As for the ‘woke’ comments, dd is very clear that she is female, she just likes to wear black, trousers, have a shorter haircut and chunky boots. She likes weird Japanese music and maths, reading and gaming. She has a few close friends, male and female, who I guess would also be considered eccentric in their style, but they are all brilliant kids. Mil just came across the word ‘woke’ online and decided to use it as an insult. Dd is fantastic, and I am happy to keep her away from toxic relatives.

Sounds like you’ve done a great job of letting her be her wonderful self

MummaMummaMumma · 20/10/2025 17:02

Your daughter has absolutely nothing to apologise for. Please support her fully.
What a disgusting woman your mil is!

Potatoespotatoesagain · 20/10/2025 17:01

Back your daughter, this is hugely important for her future, you as parents must demonstrate that it’s healthy to have boundaries and if they are crossed to this extent you step away from that toxic person.
if you all rush to smooth this over for an easy life it’s 100% at your daughters expense and you’re letting her down.
she needs to know that NOBODY EVER gets to speak to you like her Nana did there and expect to be in her life without any apology and promise to change, what a vile, unhinged person, blood or not, she’d be out of my kids lives instantly

JLou08 · 20/10/2025 17:00

I'd be giving MIL a piece of my mind and praising DD for standing up for herself, not getting DD to apologise. I would then never speak to her or expose my DC to her again. What awful things to say to anyone, never mind a 15yo which is probably one of the most difficult ages in terms of self-esteem.

Grammarnut · 20/10/2025 17:00

Migrant2 · 20/10/2025 14:37

Please back your daughter. She did nothing wrong. You should have put a stop to the nastiness much earlier so that your daughter didn’t get backed into a corner in the first place. You let her down.

I am not sure OP let DD down. It's her MiL and obviously a difficult relationship. I can't see how I'd have coped (and both my MiL's like me) with criticism of my DD's clothing and activity choice. Good for DD - I'm on her side and MiL needs telling off and also not to go on about femininity and other girly-girl stereotypes.

Linenpickle · 20/10/2025 17:00

In under no circumstances should your DD apologise to her grandmother. I fully support your daughter never seeing her again and if I was you I would never see her again either as she’s gone way past a line. What has your husband said about this? quite frankly I wouldn’t buy the grandmother Christmas card let alone have anything else to do with her whatsoever.

CockSpadget · 20/10/2025 16:58

Absolutely no way should your DD be apologising! Your MIL is a bitter and judgemental woman who deserved what she got (and probably more).
I had an aunty with a very similar attitude who used to mock me for my alternative style when I was a teen. I wish I’d had the balls to stand up to her at the time.

SassyCow · 20/10/2025 16:57

Definitely with your DD, well done to her for standing up for herself. Your MIL sounds absolutely horrible. Hope you and your DD are OK OP.

zoemum2006 · 20/10/2025 16:57

I'd have punched the old cow long before my DD broke!

nosleepforme · 20/10/2025 16:57

ThisGentleRaven · 20/10/2025 15:48

not polite?

called her a nasty old witch and that she hated her and never wanted to see her again

that is extremely polite

I would be extremely impressed to have a teen pushed to the limit not saying worst than that.

I wouldn't have waited for her to explode, I would likely have told MIL to shut up long before this.

Show quote history

Yes mil should have been made to shut up. She sounds unhinged. But no, dd wasn’t “extremely polite”. She responded appropriately, but I don’t think it was polite. But as a tell my kids, rules have exceptions so maybe this can be one.

GoBackToTheStart · 20/10/2025 16:56

It’s all well and good for SIL to want to play happy families but she wasn’t the one being attacked like that, nor was it her daughter. DD is well within her rights to refuse to see MIL again and SIL needs to back off - she may have had a lifetime of it and be deep in the FOG but that doesn’t mean she can guilt you and DD into that behaviour too.

Your DH needs to buck up and realise he isn’t caught in the middle. His job is to protect his DD, not appease his abusive mother or his enabling sister.

Brava to DD for standing up to her, but she should never have had to.