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AIBU?

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Original poster

In-law blended family holiday drama.

232 replies

w104ever · 20/10/2025 14:04

Without wanting to write too much of an essay...

MiL had a really hard time earlier in the year and felt very low. She and FiL wanted to plan something to help her feel better/ give her happy memories. They decided they wanted to take us (their son/my DH, me and our two children), plus their daughter (my SiL), her two children and SiL's new partner away on a holiday abroad, which is obviously very generous of them. Challenge now is that SiL and her partner are insisting that his two children must come as well.

Relevant info here... 'new partner' is SiL's boss. They had an affair in work for a year, my BiL and boss' wife had no idea. We only found out at the end of 2024 when they did. (None of us saw it coming and are all still feeling upset as everyone was close to SiL's husband and understandably don't agree with the affair). My PiLs and my DH/ children have only met new partner's children once to date. It didn't go brilliantly as my SiL literally just brought them to PiL's house with no discussion beforehand which upset my MiL, who didn't feel ready to meet them. Also unfortunately during the visit one of our kids felt picked on by one of his kids. (I did overhear his child saying some unkind things to ours and our child was definitely left out of play by all the other children which was naturally upsetting for them).

So PiLs don't know what to do - we've all said that we'd rather not have his kids come as we barely know them and it changes the whole dynamic of the holiday. SiL has already said they'll pay for his kids to come so can't use that as a barrier. She is saying if they can't come then she and her children won't be either.

I can see her point in that it might be hard for his children if they knew their dad was going away on a holiday and they weren't invited. SiL has also insisted that new parter comes. They all live together 50/50 so his kids would have an awareness of my SiL's children having a holiday too.

Equally I feel protective of my own children's wellbeing and them getting time with their cousins. We don't get to see them that often so time is precious. I'm worried that we'll go on this special holiday and our child will be picked on again and it will be miserable for them (and subsequently miserable for the rest of us).

MiL and I have shared that it does feel a bit like we're all being forced by SiL to accept her new blended family really quickly, when none of us have had time to really process it all. (Within two weeks of SiL telling her children that their parents' marriage was ending she introduced them to her new partner and his kids and they moved in with him less than a month later, so from the outside this has all felt a bit rushed to the rest of us).

MiL feels trapped as she doesn't want to cause drama (SiL will react strongly if told no) but equally feels strongly about this trip being planned as her being able to spend time with her grandchildren. I guess my AIBU is given I'm being asked my opinion by MiL am I unreasonable to be honest and voice that I'd prefer the holiday to not include new partner's children? (Even though I fully respect it's not my decision as I'm not paying for it).

OP posts:
Original poster
w104ever · 20/10/2025 15:53

Irenesortof · 20/10/2025 15:45

This holiday can’t work. Your family could go away with PÌL and have a nice time.

I'm also not sure if this holiday can work. 😅 PiLs would never go away with us but without SiL or her children, which I understand.

OP posts:
BlackeyedSusan · 20/10/2025 15:49

BettysRoasties · 20/10/2025 14:10

too bad so sad.

Sorry the holiday of for our children and their married partners and children.

If Sil won’t come I’d invite BIl with the children on his time tbh. Fuck around find out.

Good idea!

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 20/10/2025 15:47

Rogerthat14 · 20/10/2025 14:04

One of the very many reasons why I will never blend / mangle families

On one hand, this comment isn’t the least bit helpful, on the other hand, I completely agree.

Original poster
w104ever · 20/10/2025 15:47

5128gap · 20/10/2025 15:44

I think the priority here is to support your MiL to decide the least worst option. Her DD is putting her in a very difficult position. Only she can decide if the price for having her DD along is one she's prepared to pay. While I understand you have an opinion, I think you need to take care not to be put in a position where you make the decision for her by coming in too strongly with what you'd prefer (this could backfire and leave you carrying the blame for DD not going) I think I'd just say "DH and I will support whatever you decide MIL".

Yes absolutely. I have actually just sent MiL a reply basically saying this - we'll go with whatever her and FiL decision is. And we understand if that means they want to cancel as well. This just feels like such a needless palaver over what was meant to be a lovely idea.

OP posts:
Irenesortof · 20/10/2025 15:45

This holiday can’t work. Your family could go away with PÌL and have a nice time.

Original poster
w104ever · 20/10/2025 15:44

haribo1989 · 20/10/2025 15:35

this is tricky.

having grown up as child that is shoehorned into another family dynamic - being excluded is pretty awful as a child. I understand it as an adult now and how the relationships work etc but as a child in my experience I found it very difficult to see your Father go on holidays with his GF and her children and then on top of that for years to come when they relive the memories or look at photos you always feel that rejected/left out feeling. Especially found it hard when there were not really any holidays for me and my brother to make up for it. Its not just a little thing there are just lots of little ways it hurts. So I respect your SIL for wanting her SC to be involved in family events.

I do think it takes alot more family time and shared time before anything like this could be considered. if you have only really spent time together once and it wasnt a good experience this trip will not work out the way its been intended.

What would the reason be that your ex BIL could take his children to this holiday? This feels like the best option or as PP about deferring for a year.

Has you SIL and AP and both sets of children been on holidays together as a blended family unit?

Sorry you are caught up in this

Thanks for your reply. I promise that I really can see how sad a situation this creates for all the children, including his. They haven't done a holiday away together before, this big one would be the first. So feels like extra pressure for all.

I feel most sorry for my MiL, who I know really does need something to look forward to and this just isn't turning into the trip she invisaged. Given past dynamics I can see this probably going as her saying the kids can come, putting a brave face on it and then DH and I will hear for ages afterwards how she felt unable to say no.

OP posts:
5128gap · 20/10/2025 15:44

I think the priority here is to support your MiL to decide the least worst option. Her DD is putting her in a very difficult position. Only she can decide if the price for having her DD along is one she's prepared to pay. While I understand you have an opinion, I think you need to take care not to be put in a position where you make the decision for her by coming in too strongly with what you'd prefer (this could backfire and leave you carrying the blame for DD not going) I think I'd just say "DH and I will support whatever you decide MIL".

Itiswhysofew · 20/10/2025 15:44

Who is her partner to insist his DC go? He's only been around for 5 minutes! What has SIL done? Her poor DC, moving a strange man and his DC into their home so quickly. That's disgraceful.

I'd say to PIL that as much as being inclusive would be the kind thing to do, it won't actually work because of the tension, making it really difficult for them to enjoy the holiday as they actually wanted it to be.

Not an easy one. But, your SIL should be more considerate of the dynamic she's introduced to your family group.

Winterflowers6 · 20/10/2025 15:43

Mil needs to cancel the holiday
Don't be forced in to sil having her own way

haribo1989 · 20/10/2025 15:41

jeaux90 · 20/10/2025 15:34

I would suggest a really nice break just for FIL and MIL on their own. They sound like they need a break from everything and do the big family trip next year when the dynamics have calmed down a bit

I second this sounds like a good idea - I think SIL cannot be part of the family trip this year it is causing too much stress so the best thing is MIL and FIL lovely trip on their own.

OR BIL and direct children go leaving SIL and AP and his DCs at home

NikkiPotnick · 20/10/2025 15:40

jeaux90 · 20/10/2025 15:34

I would suggest a really nice break just for FIL and MIL on their own. They sound like they need a break from everything and do the big family trip next year when the dynamics have calmed down a bit

Good idea.

You barely know these people, and that alone would disincline me to use annual leave on a big joint trip abroad. Plus there's SIL clearly having shit boundaries over the whole thing. If PILs do like the idea of a collective holiday, agree with the poster upthread who said better to start with a UK weekend- if you want to. And make sure you have your own accommodation, not shared.

Original poster
w104ever · 20/10/2025 15:38

thepariscrimefiles · 20/10/2025 15:34

So your DH wasn't bothered that his sister's new partner's kids were being mean to your kids? He just wants everyone to be happy (except it's OK if you and your kids aren't)? I'd be pretty cross with his attitude tbh.

Show quote history

I definitely own that I straddle between empathising how hard it must be for him (he's very conflict averse) and feeling anger or frustration that he avoids any difficult discussion with them. The only time I've seen him do it was after his sister went for me again and he called her on the phone. I have no idea what he said to her, but he says he did very much challenge her behaviour.

OP posts:
Manylegoheads · 20/10/2025 15:37

I would suggest that in the current family context a holiday all together is not going to work and will not do the job of cheering MIL up. Maybe she needs to do something else, like inviting the grandkids for a weekend or something.

MeridianB · 20/10/2025 15:37

w104ever · 20/10/2025 15:34

Yes he did, I'm not 100% sure how it came about, my MiL's narrative beforehand was she literally didn't know if SiL was bringing BiL or new guy. At one stage the plan was genuinely for both to come, but BiL stay in separate accommodation. BiL then didn't come. It was all rather messy.

Show quote history

WTF?! This is like something from an episode of Jeremy Kyle. Your MIL sounds as deluded as your SIL.

On this basis alone it would be a hard no to the whole thing.

haribo1989 · 20/10/2025 15:35

this is tricky.

having grown up as child that is shoehorned into another family dynamic - being excluded is pretty awful as a child. I understand it as an adult now and how the relationships work etc but as a child in my experience I found it very difficult to see your Father go on holidays with his GF and her children and then on top of that for years to come when they relive the memories or look at photos you always feel that rejected/left out feeling. Especially found it hard when there were not really any holidays for me and my brother to make up for it. Its not just a little thing there are just lots of little ways it hurts. So I respect your SIL for wanting her SC to be involved in family events.

I do think it takes alot more family time and shared time before anything like this could be considered. if you have only really spent time together once and it wasnt a good experience this trip will not work out the way its been intended.

What would the reason be that your ex BIL could take his children to this holiday? This feels like the best option or as PP about deferring for a year.

Has you SIL and AP and both sets of children been on holidays together as a blended family unit?

Sorry you are caught up in this

Diarygirlqueen · 20/10/2025 15:35

I wouldn't want to go away with her, such a mess.
It's far too soon after everything that has happened to be going on holiday. Emotions are still high.
She needs to take some responsibility for her poor choices, maybe cancelling the holiday is karma for her.
I feel for your mil, but everything is too raw, the holiday wouldn't be enjoyable.
Btw, the sil and her new partner are shit parents.

jeaux90 · 20/10/2025 15:34

I would suggest a really nice break just for FIL and MIL on their own. They sound like they need a break from everything and do the big family trip next year when the dynamics have calmed down a bit

Original poster
w104ever · 20/10/2025 15:34

Crunchymum · 20/10/2025 15:20

Last year the holiday was only four months after we found out about new partner. He came instead of my BiL and it was a bit awkward

Wait, are you saying the boss / affair man came on a family holiday last year?

Well the precedent has been set there hasn't it?

Edited

Yes he did, I'm not 100% sure how it came about, my MiL's narrative beforehand was she literally didn't know if SiL was bringing BiL or new guy. At one stage the plan was genuinely for both to come, but BiL stay in separate accommodation. BiL then didn't come. It was all rather messy.

OP posts:
MeridianB · 20/10/2025 15:34

Wait, what? You have been on a family holiday with SIL and affair man just four months after she dumped BIL/got caught cheating??!

What were your ILs thinking? what a terrible message to send BIL and their grandchildren.

thepariscrimefiles · 20/10/2025 15:34

w104ever · 20/10/2025 15:29

MiL has specifically asked me. DH was initially in agreement that it shouldn't include any children other than the grandkids but is now saying he doesn't mind what happens, even if the trip is cancelled. He feels very stuck in the middle between MiL and SiL and I think feels a pull to align a bit more with his sister as he knows there's a lot of animosity directed at her at the moment, which I understand. He just wants everyone to get along and be happy.

Show quote history

So your DH wasn't bothered that his sister's new partner's kids were being mean to your kids? He just wants everyone to be happy (except it's OK if you and your kids aren't)? I'd be pretty cross with his attitude tbh.

Original poster
w104ever · 20/10/2025 15:31

Brefugee · 20/10/2025 15:27

Well. SIL sounds like someone you don't want to go on holiday with.

How about: ILs recind her invitation, and take SILs children and their ex-son-in-law instead?

TBH I'd suggest that ILs go away with just their children if they want a break. But i am not keen on this blended family malarkey being foisted on the wider family. As your own family unit? do what you like, but a new partner's kids are nothing to do with me and i wouldn't want to go on holiday with them.

Edited

I'm not going to deny that given complete free choice o don't think I'd want to be around SiL in general, but I tolerate seeing her for the sake of my DH, kids and my PiLs.

OP posts:
Brefugee · 20/10/2025 15:30

your DH needs to speak to his sister about how she is treating her own (stressed) mother and making her uncomfortable. And he also needs to make it clear that her affair-partner's kids were mean to his kids and that if it happens again he will blow it up.

poor MIL. This is really not what she wanted, i guess.

Original poster
w104ever · 20/10/2025 15:29

ThatsCute · 20/10/2025 15:17

In that case, DH needs to be having these conversations with his family - not you.

Show quote history

MiL has specifically asked me. DH was initially in agreement that it shouldn't include any children other than the grandkids but is now saying he doesn't mind what happens, even if the trip is cancelled. He feels very stuck in the middle between MiL and SiL and I think feels a pull to align a bit more with his sister as he knows there's a lot of animosity directed at her at the moment, which I understand. He just wants everyone to get along and be happy.

OP posts:
Brefugee · 20/10/2025 15:27

Well. SIL sounds like someone you don't want to go on holiday with.

How about: ILs recind her invitation, and take SILs children and their ex-son-in-law instead?

TBH I'd suggest that ILs go away with just their children if they want a break. But i am not keen on this blended family malarkey being foisted on the wider family. As your own family unit? do what you like, but a new partner's kids are nothing to do with me and i wouldn't want to go on holiday with them.

Original poster
w104ever · 20/10/2025 15:24

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 20/10/2025 14:22

Ps ‘accept her new blended family really quickly’ it’s been almost a year, by the holiday it will presumably be over a year. You should all stop pearl clutching and accept that they are now a new blended family unit, unless you want to push her out of the family.

I do see your point. She and my BiL had been married for 13 years so by comparison it feels like a short amount of time I guess. On the surface they seemed very happy and were talking openly about having another child together, so we literally felt blindsided. I'm not sure it's really pearl clutching to not feel comfortable with infidelity, but I hear and respect your view.

OP posts:
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