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AIBU?

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Original poster

In-law blended family holiday drama.

232 replies

w104ever · 20/10/2025 14:04

Without wanting to write too much of an essay...

MiL had a really hard time earlier in the year and felt very low. She and FiL wanted to plan something to help her feel better/ give her happy memories. They decided they wanted to take us (their son/my DH, me and our two children), plus their daughter (my SiL), her two children and SiL's new partner away on a holiday abroad, which is obviously very generous of them. Challenge now is that SiL and her partner are insisting that his two children must come as well.

Relevant info here... 'new partner' is SiL's boss. They had an affair in work for a year, my BiL and boss' wife had no idea. We only found out at the end of 2024 when they did. (None of us saw it coming and are all still feeling upset as everyone was close to SiL's husband and understandably don't agree with the affair). My PiLs and my DH/ children have only met new partner's children once to date. It didn't go brilliantly as my SiL literally just brought them to PiL's house with no discussion beforehand which upset my MiL, who didn't feel ready to meet them. Also unfortunately during the visit one of our kids felt picked on by one of his kids. (I did overhear his child saying some unkind things to ours and our child was definitely left out of play by all the other children which was naturally upsetting for them).

So PiLs don't know what to do - we've all said that we'd rather not have his kids come as we barely know them and it changes the whole dynamic of the holiday. SiL has already said they'll pay for his kids to come so can't use that as a barrier. She is saying if they can't come then she and her children won't be either.

I can see her point in that it might be hard for his children if they knew their dad was going away on a holiday and they weren't invited. SiL has also insisted that new parter comes. They all live together 50/50 so his kids would have an awareness of my SiL's children having a holiday too.

Equally I feel protective of my own children's wellbeing and them getting time with their cousins. We don't get to see them that often so time is precious. I'm worried that we'll go on this special holiday and our child will be picked on again and it will be miserable for them (and subsequently miserable for the rest of us).

MiL and I have shared that it does feel a bit like we're all being forced by SiL to accept her new blended family really quickly, when none of us have had time to really process it all. (Within two weeks of SiL telling her children that their parents' marriage was ending she introduced them to her new partner and his kids and they moved in with him less than a month later, so from the outside this has all felt a bit rushed to the rest of us).

MiL feels trapped as she doesn't want to cause drama (SiL will react strongly if told no) but equally feels strongly about this trip being planned as her being able to spend time with her grandchildren. I guess my AIBU is given I'm being asked my opinion by MiL am I unreasonable to be honest and voice that I'd prefer the holiday to not include new partner's children? (Even though I fully respect it's not my decision as I'm not paying for it).

OP posts:
Onthemaintrunkline · 20/10/2025 20:36

w104ever · 20/10/2025 19:57

@Onthemaintrunkline Yes, I believe MiL is well-intentioned. She isn't perfect (who is!?) and I can see why SiL has felt slighted by MiL in the past. I'm sure if SiL was posting here she'd see this situation very differently, with her being persecuted by everyone else. I think new chap does want to come, the proposed destination is somewhere he's wanted to go.

Thank you for yr reply. On such a short acquaintance, I think he should be paying for himself and his children. It’s kind enough he was asked!

Yr poor parents in law! Dammed if they do and dammed if they don’t. No winners here.

Ellie56 · 20/10/2025 20:32

Part of the response was SiL telling me I'm not a part of their family and I need to respect that I have no right to voice my opinions within it.

@w104ever

There's MIL's get out right there. This is supposed to be a family holiday. The only people going should be family. New man and his kids are not family so have no right to be going.

Moveoverdarlin · 20/10/2025 20:20

I would tell your MIL to scrap the whole thing to be honest.

I would tell her to say ‘Look let’s take a rain check for now. It was supposed to cheer me up, but all this stress over Jane’s new bloke and his kids has taken the shine off a bit. Let’s wait for the dust to settle.’

I can’t believe your SIL and the new bloke are so bloody ignorant to not realise that the whole family doesn’t want to go on holiday with two kids they barely know.

Specialagentblond · 20/10/2025 20:17

Your poor MIL. I would on this occasion be led by her wants and needs and be encouraging her to speak for herself and what she wants.

I would say to her that while it’s not what you would choose to do, you’ll go along with it but only if that’s what she really wants.

She can postpone like another PP suggested, or make it a little shorter so it’s bearable for everyone. Meanwhile you will need to manage the situation if it did happen - separate villas, arrive later, or leave earlier so there’s a bearable overlap etc.

DH also needs to be having a word with his sister and telling her that it’s going to take some time for everyone to get used to this new dynamic which has been forced up you all. And she would be doing herself a favour in the long term if she stopped forcing people to accept her decisions.

cheddercherry · 20/10/2025 20:16

Puzzledandpissedoff · 20/10/2025 20:14

Your own family sound as if they have a very healthy approach, @w104ever, but it occurs to me that SIL did you a backhanded favour in saying you're "not a part of their family and I need to respect that I have no right to voice my opinions within it"

Appalling as it was, hasn't that just offered you an ideal response when told what her recently acquired partner wants?

I agree, I think she gave you a golden sword she can fall upon. Her new partner is no more part of the family than you (according to her own rules). Personally I think pandering to her nonsense won’t really do anything other than ruining the holiday for all of you. I’ve no doubt it will go ahead but secretly you’ll all (but maybe her and her partner) be wishing it wasn’t and that really is a shame.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 20/10/2025 20:14

Your own family sound as if they have a very healthy approach, @w104ever, but it occurs to me that SIL did you a backhanded favour in saying you're "not a part of their family and I need to respect that I have no right to voice my opinions within it"

Appalling as it was, hasn't that just offered you an ideal response when told what her recently acquired partner wants?

SushiForMe · 20/10/2025 20:08

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 20/10/2025 14:18

I disagree. We like to fantasize that cheaters will get their karma but when my ex fiance did this to me ten years ago everyone said that he’d cheat on her too but as far as I’m aware there still happily married with two kids.

people wouldn’t explode their whole lives and risk disapproval from their families unless they were really sure they had found ‘the one’ .
I think op and family need to assume they are sticking around and not alienate them and the cousins who are blameless children .

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Even more extreme. My dad met my mum when he was married with two kids, abandoned his family and moved to another country with my mum… and was an amazing husband and dad for the next 45 years!

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 20/10/2025 20:08

Seelybe · 20/10/2025 14:52

@w104ever is this really so difficult? Your PIL want a family trip. They were already being generous to include SIL's new partner.
His children aren't their family at this time. Maybe in the future but not yet. So two options only - SIL accepts the offer with her partner only or not.
Alternatively her new partner can stay home with his children to avoid any feelings of being left out (which I would see as the appropriate thing to do).

But we see threads all the time about not leaving ‘step kids’ out. Just because of the parents affair I think the same applies sadly

Original poster
w104ever · 20/10/2025 20:07

Puzzledandpissedoff · 20/10/2025 19:35

No one else is brave enough to challenge her either

May I ask why not, @w104ever?

I'm aware you said she's a "strong personality in the family", "goes for the jugular" if called out and that you all "walk on eggshells" around her, but just how much will you all put up with because she wants her own way? Is it really worth the family's lovely plans being trashed for the sake of some shouting and stamping?

I'm all for preserving family harmony within reason, but frankly she needs telling no and if she strops so what?

You absolutely may ask! 😊 So in my family when we have disagreements we tend to air them, talk it through, repair the rupture etc. I guess it feels safe to do so as a) it's what we've had modelled to us and always done and b) we know that even in anger we wouldn't be outwardly aggressive or attacking to eachother. DH views this as my family being unusually emotionally literate with eachother... Maybe we are.

DH's family is the polar opposite. Any issue is brushed under the rug and everyone is scared of upsetting eachother. So when I naiively brought up a difficulty with my SiL I never in a million years expected to receive the response that I did. She was very aggressive and very personal, using things I'd confided in her about from my past and said things that are truly more hurtful than anything another adult has ever said to me. It was deeply, deeply upsetting for me and has been very effective in meaning I don't ever want to be on the receiving end of it again. I understand she does the same with MiL if she ever feels criticised or attacked (even if the intention of MiL is neither). Part of the response was SiL telling me I'm not a part of their family and I need to respect that I have no right to voice my opinions within it. (Which maybe explains why I've felt conflicted about giving my opinion now). It's all a bit messy.

OP posts:
RampantIvy · 20/10/2025 20:07

w104ever · 20/10/2025 19:13

Very much agree. Will wait to see what she and FiL decide I guess.

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I agree about trying to keep your distance during the holiday to remain on good terms. If you end up going it would be better if you were in separate accommodation or laid down ground rules that you will do your own thing during the day then will meet up in the evenings only.

PullTheBricksDown · 20/10/2025 19:57

viques · 20/10/2025 19:49

The whole point of the holiday was to cheer your MIL up. It won’t be a happy holiday if there are tensions already.

Say you are happy to go with your family, but not with SIL and entourage, because you think it would be too stressful for you as your kids were uncomfortable when they met up with the new family. If your MIL wants an excuse to block your SIL then tell her to use you as an excuse.

Won't work. OP said MIL will never ditch SIL to go just with them. I agree it won't at all be the happy relaxing time MIL wants, though.

Original poster
w104ever · 20/10/2025 19:57

@Onthemaintrunkline Yes, I believe MiL is well-intentioned. She isn't perfect (who is!?) and I can see why SiL has felt slighted by MiL in the past. I'm sure if SiL was posting here she'd see this situation very differently, with her being persecuted by everyone else. I think new chap does want to come, the proposed destination is somewhere he's wanted to go.

OP posts:
viques · 20/10/2025 19:49

The whole point of the holiday was to cheer your MIL up. It won’t be a happy holiday if there are tensions already.

Say you are happy to go with your family, but not with SIL and entourage, because you think it would be too stressful for you as your kids were uncomfortable when they met up with the new family. If your MIL wants an excuse to block your SIL then tell her to use you as an excuse.

chaosmaker · 20/10/2025 19:44

w104ever · 20/10/2025 15:15

This is how I feel. My annual leave is really precious and we don't get to go away, so it feels hard to get excited about this trip now given it seems no one is going to be happy on it!
My family stopped doing a big family holiday before COVID, so it's just in-laws that still do. Last year the holiday was only four months after we found out about new partner. He came instead of my BiL and it was a bit awkward.

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Surely then it's BIL's turn to come and they can stay at home with new guys kids.

DoubleMM · 20/10/2025 19:41

Or offer to just take the children-the cousins, not the new children, and leave the adults

PrimSec · 20/10/2025 19:37

Yes, agree with the previous poster that “going along” with things is rewarding bad behaviour. There are 6 adults involved in this and 4 of them (including the ones footing the bill!) have to bow to the other 2? It’s ridiculous. As the PP said, if SIL put it as an ultimatum, call her on it! It might damage the relationship, but this is not a relationship worth having.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 20/10/2025 19:35

No one else is brave enough to challenge her either

May I ask why not, @w104ever?

I'm aware you said she's a "strong personality in the family", "goes for the jugular" if called out and that you all "walk on eggshells" around her, but just how much will you all put up with because she wants her own way? Is it really worth the family's lovely plans being trashed for the sake of some shouting and stamping?

I'm all for preserving family harmony within reason, but frankly she needs telling no and if she strops so what?

Onthemaintrunkline · 20/10/2025 19:32

Late poster here, I’ve read all the posts, maybe (very possibly!) I’m wrong, but I get the feeling your MIL is a really nice person, and as such she loathes upsetting anyone.

Because of this, I think she will bow to your SIL demands, which I see as totally selfish, in order to keep her relationship with her daughter and grandchildren. That relationship to her is precious, absolutely understandable.

Your SIL, however is a right piece of work blackmailing her mother and in turn the rest of you, totally spoiling something which could have been the absolute high point of your collective year. Sadly I think this proposed treat is tainted by your SIL wanting, (and intending) to rule the roost. I wouldn’t be rewarding bad behavior. Good suggestion further upthread to maybe postpone.

Does this new chap actually want to go on this holiday?

So sad for your MIL, all this fuss over what should have been an exciting time.

CarpetKnees · 20/10/2025 19:23

SiL issuing ultimatums gives your PiL and easy answer, IMO.

SiL: Either we all come or I won't come
PiL: Well, that's a shame, but if that's your decision we'll just take ds, w104ever, and their dc then.

Original poster
w104ever · 20/10/2025 19:13

Bananaandmangosmoothie · 20/10/2025 19:05

Poor MIL, she can’t really win here. I think you need to try and support her decision, but if affair partner’s children come, protect your children by doing your own thing really.

Very much agree. Will wait to see what she and FiL decide I guess.

OP posts:
Oriunda · 20/10/2025 19:13

NoSoupForU · 20/10/2025 19:07

Honestly I'm struggling to see where you should have any say in the matter really. You surely don't have any place in dictating who should or shouldn't be welcomed into somebody else's family?

Honestly, if you CBA to RTFT, why bother replying?

Original poster
w104ever · 20/10/2025 19:13

NoSoupForU · 20/10/2025 19:07

Honestly I'm struggling to see where you should have any say in the matter really. You surely don't have any place in dictating who should or shouldn't be welcomed into somebody else's family?

I don't, as I've literally said in my OP and in several replies. 🙂 My MiL is asking for my opinion, presumably as it will maybe inform her decision. She recognises that her decision as to who is invited or not invited will affect us all differently?

OP posts:
NoSoupForU · 20/10/2025 19:07

Honestly I'm struggling to see where you should have any say in the matter really. You surely don't have any place in dictating who should or shouldn't be welcomed into somebody else's family?

Bananaandmangosmoothie · 20/10/2025 19:05

Poor MIL, she can’t really win here. I think you need to try and support her decision, but if affair partner’s children come, protect your children by doing your own thing really.

Original poster
w104ever · 20/10/2025 19:05

Reallywhatonearth · 20/10/2025 18:59

Are SiL and new partner married? Why are his children being called step-kids?

I grew up in an enforced blended family. When my father died unexpectedly that was it, no more pretending to be happy families. None of the ‘step-siblings’ really got on and we all said good bye at the funeral. Step-grandparents along with other step-relatives evaporated. The enforced pretence by my father, stepmother, mother and stepfather ceased immediately. Stepmother and her children took the cash and left.

Sorry, used 'step'children as that's how they're being described by SiL and partner but no - technically SiL and BiL are still married and new partner and his wife are still married.

OP posts:
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