Would you go to the funeral?

I'm sorry to hear you're in this sad situation....but you really should attend the funeral. It would be spectacularly selfish towards your mum not to go not to mention extremely embarrassing when she would have to explain to other guests why you're not there.

I grieved the dad I knew a long time ago and it’s been really hard.

Whichever decision you make is ok, as you are allowed to handle loss in the way that works for you. Your needs aren't less important than those of you mum and other family members.

But, could you see the funeral as a belated commemoration of the dad you lost so long ago? It sounds like that was the period of trauma and bereavement, just like the trauma and bereavement that in other circumstances is felt at the actual time of a death. And that earlier trauma needs all the rituals of healing that a funeral might bring.

You deserve whatever solace a funeral might be able to give you for that earlier loss.

My son died after a long period of mental illness. The beginning of that period of illness was so traumatic, and the prospect of him recovering rather than dying seemed so unlikely, that my most intense reaction to the horror of it all was six years before he died, and then daily during that period. I felt numb at his actual death, and hugely confused and guilty about that numbness.
I think I would have managed better if I had given myself permission to mourn his death as the almost incidental endpoint to something that occurred over many years or even a lifetime.

OP, I am sorry for your loss.

I think that you are making a big mistake. the behaviour when he had alzheimers was not him. It sounds liek you chose to distance yourself and have not been present to help or support your mum or him during this time. That was a choice you made to protect yourself.

The memorial is still valid. of course that man is the man you loved. the disease is gone now and even if you think you have already grieved, the formal process of a memorial can be hugely healing. There's a reason also that many people have memorials of some sort months or even years after someone dies - when the first rawness of grief is passed.

IN addition, being there during the memorial is a way to share your happy memories and experiences with each other and to say goodbye formally and to be there for each other as family and friends.

But the dad you have grieved, the dad you had before Alzheimer's, would have wanted you to attend his funeral wouldnt he?

I really think you need to go.

'I really don’t want to go to his funeral because the man in the box isn’t the man I knew, loved, grieved and remember'

I am so sorry for your loss, OP. 💐

It was not him who hurt you, it was the disease and he is now free of that disease. He would want you to remember him as a young, healthy man and a good father so I would encourage you to attend. I do think that you might regret it if you don't.

Of course you should go. The funeral is not for the person who has died, it is for his friends and family, your mum will need your support. If you dont go you will regret it for thecrest of your life. I would help with the arrangements, put together a slide show of his life, and the good times. It all helps the grieving process.

Of course you should go, this isn't about you!

Everyone who loves someone with Dementia, grieves the person they loved before the disease takes hold.

I actually cannot believe you're thinking of not going.

I would also add the man in the box absolutely is the man you knew & loved

I think you should go.

My OH had a neurological illness that destroyed his mind as well as his body. At the end he thought I was trying to kill him. But I knew of course that this was the illness speaking, just as your father's rejection of you was not him but the illness.

I was of course there at his funeral and there were lots of memories of the man he was before the illness took hold. It was very clear that this was who we were grieving and not the person who was overwhelmed by his illness.

You should definitely go. You can say your goodbyes to him & family members can support each other. Otherwise you'll just remember him as he was with the illness which was beyond his control

Alzheimer’s is a very cruel disease and I can't imagine how you're feeling.

But you need to try your hardest to put those feelings aside and support your mum

I think you might regret not going and your mum could probably do with the support. Funerals aren’t always all depressing either, it does give a change to talk about your fond memories of the person with people who knew them too

You should go. Celebrate his whole life. Others there will be a support to you too.

Of course you should go.
The way your dad treated you was caused by a vile illness, affecting him for a small percentage of his life. By your account the rest of his life, he was a good father to you.
You ask what would it look like to others? It would look awful. And you need to support your mum.

I understand how conflicted you feel about this but the funeral will still be for someone you once had a great relationship with and your family will appreciate your support which is something you can still give and may affect your future relationship with them.

I've been through similar to you OP and can appreciate how horrible it is and relate to the 'already grieved once' thing

Our family did a direct cremation, had a meal out and donated the money we would've spent on a funeral to a cause close to my loved one. It felt like the lower stress option for us all.

If your mum really wants a funeral though I think if you can push through the pain and support her that would be best. It will likely be very hard on you but is just one day of awfulness rather than long term make the relationship difficult?

I’m sorry for your loss. I definitely think you should go. I don’t really understand your arguments for not going.

I think it is quite important to go. Grief is a corporate thing, not just individual. Funerals are about shared love and loss. I think you might regret it later if you don’t go.

Life is for the living.

You need to support your mother.

Are you not helping her with the funeral plans at all?

I recently lost my father and you wouldn't believe the amount of stress funeral planning causes. There's a million and one things to do!

Funerals are emotive occasions and are for those left behind, not those who have died. If you love other members of your family and they would benefit from your attendance; go and grieve
the dad you knew.

Also dont feel guilty nothing to feel guilty about.

So sorry for your loss. It must be such a hard time. I would personally go, he isn't the same person but he's still your dad. Your mum will appreciate the support and I think it's better to regret going than regret not going. You'll never have another chance.

Alzheimer's is so horrible, I'm sorry for your loss

I would go to support your mum. The eulogy will be about the dad you did know and the wake (assuming there is one) will remember the good times.