Would you go to the funeral?

This ^

The man that you knew. Is in that box. The disease that robbed you of your father is a completely separate issue. Go, and remember the man you knew growing up 💕💕 big hugs.

People can say what they would do. They don't get to say the OP has to go or she will regret it and must must go and support her mother. No she bloody doesn't!. That is guilt tripping

People seem to think funerals are essential bits of life that everyone must go through.

They aren't and we don't.

You're not unreasonable to feel how you do, but I'd go if I were you.

I'm going through a dementia journey with a parent now and it is bloody awful. They're a different person, but still my parent and I love them despite the less than ideal circumstances now.

This thread has not been guilt tripping.
The OP wanted to check what others would do!
This isn't a situation where she was estranged from an abusive parent. She was estranged from a man who she declares she loved and had a good relationship with before the dementia. The feeling of rejection is real but over time after the death of someone lost to the disease, the true person returns in the memories of those who loved them.
Its still early days for the OP but she risks both missing a potentially very healing process and risks harming relationships with other family members.
Its not about guilt tripping. Its advice given with the OP'S welfare at heart.

I'd go. Also, your mum needs you.

Usually I'm of the opinion that the decision to go to a funeral is entirely personal and no one can tell you you should or should not attend.
However in this case, the dad you knew in his final months/years was not really him. His mind was damaged by a horrible disease and I'm sure the old him would have been heartbroken his behaviour hurt you so much.
If he was a good dad to you for the majority of your life I think you should attend.

I would definitely be there , he was and still is your dad i would travel anywhere to say goodbye to anyone of my parents ( and I have none now ).

Funerals are for the living, if your mum needs you and you love your mum, be there for her

Well if they don’t want to hear honest replies, don’t post on AIBU…. Simple really.

I think 94% said she was BU so no skin of anyone’s nose on here, but it’s the OP that will have to deal with a potential aftermath of her choice.

Are you her mate or something?!

And the guilt tripping continues.🙄

I don't think the OP is coming back.

But you will be saying goodbye to the dad you knew. The "man in the box", as you so eloquently put it, is him. The poor man didn't have Alzheimers his entire life and the eulogy will celebrate him before the illness. Plus your mum will have been through absolute bloody hell caring for him. It would be very unkind not to support her. However unpleasant you think he was to you at the end, just imagine what that poor woman had to go through. If anyone needs counselling I expect it's her.

Unless you don’t get on with your mother then you are going for her not your father.
I was at a funeral this morning and I went to support my DBiL and his DS not the person in the coffin! They couldn’t have cared less; and wouldn’t have.

Condolances. Your poor dear Dad.
It is a wicked disease.

You should attend. You need to host with your mother.
Help the funeral to focus on the best parts of your father's life.
You have survived your father's illness and now support each other.

If he was a good dad like you sat then I think you should go. When people die through disease they aren’t often the same person, whether that’s emotionally or physically. It’s not just about you though, what about your Mum. It seems a cold selfish thing to be honest and I say that as someone who won’t be attending my own dads funeral because he was vile.

To add, if everyone viewed things the same as you, most people wouldn’t bother going to anyone’s funeral. It’s mainly to show support and celebrate their life

if your mother would like you there and your relationship with her matters to you, then go.

Your father won’t know or care whether you go to the funeral or not, but, either way, it might help you to remember your father at a time in his life when you loved him and he knew who he was aware of how he was behaving

Maybe look from another angle? Your dad is in the coffin but the Alzheimer's is gone, it has no power now.

Personally I think people go to funerals mainly to support the family. The deceased doesn't know or care who attends.
I would go to support your mum who must have had a pretty rough time of it all prior to his death.

No I wouldn’t go. You don’t owe anything to anyone, even your Mum.
My Dad died first and I’ve been left with an emotionally abusive, narcissistic mother. I am pretty much no contact now and won’t be going to her funeral.
If my Mum had died first I still wouldn’t have gone to her funeral, even for my Dad’s benefit.
No one knows the hell I’ve endured and I couldn’t sit in a church listening to them all talk about her amazing she was.
If they want to judge me I don’t want to know them.

I’m so sorry for your loss OP. Alzheimers is horrific and I totally get why you are feeling how you do.

In these sort of situations, I always look at what outcome will sit best with me in the longer term, say in 5 or 10 years time. In this case, I definitely it’s more likely I would regret not going much more than I might regret going. For that reason, I would go.

Agree totally

Is there some part of you op that thinks the things he said were actually how he felt? A bit in vino veritas but dementia rather than booze?

theres no right or wrong way to grieve but its quite an unusual response and I wonder if the rejection when he was alive played into something deep down?

as others have said though its very early days and I wouldn’t act on your immediate reaction when you’ve just heard.

It’s a horrible horrible illness but I can’t imagine not going to the funeral of a parent who I had loved, and who had loved me, for most of my life. Have you considered the impact it will have on your mum if you don’t go?

You should go. You might hate every minute of it, but you need to be there.

Don't let yourself be guilt tripped OP. Take a few days to think about it.

its not your obligation to support anyone