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Original poster

DHs past sex life making me feel disgusted.

368 replies

elefanty · 20/10/2025 12:25

I’m really struggling with my DHs ex-“love life”. I’m someone who has always thought of themselves as being “sex positive”, I think sex is fine and people should do what they want to do.

I’ve been more “traditional”/boring in my own life. I’ve only ever had sex with people I’ve been in long term relationships with. One night stands do not appeal to me at all.

When I met DH, he had been single for a year following a long term relationship. We married after 3 years. He had a little girl from a previous relationship (who’s now 10).

Over the last few years I’ve learnt more and more about him and I feel guilty about how grossed out I am about his past.

  1. His little girl was conceived during a hookup with a woman he knew wanted a relationship with him, but he felt she “wasn’t girlfriend material”. He slept with her once when she was going through a breakup( had known her since a teen) and she got pregnant. I think that’s him massively taking advantage of her to be honest. He talks about her poorly, calling her a tramp or ugly or a slut.
  1. He’s told me over the years we’ve been married that he had “sugar mamas” when he was in his early to mid 20s, where he’d sleep with 40/50 year old women and “act as a stepdad to their kids” so he could have somewhere to live/pay for his hobbies. I find that disgusting to be honest. He said that they were “gross” but “sex was sex” and he was “depressed”.
  1. Early on in our marriage we were at a cafe and a woman in her pjs walked in (full of lip filler, tan, overweight - the opposite to me) and said “hiya babe you okay?”. DH denied knowing her but it was obvious that he did know her. I think from seeing his “type” before (his child’s mum) I assumed he’d slept with her at some point.
  1. He slept with his female friend who was a lesbian. He only “felt attracted to her because she was a lesbian”. He said it was an awkward encounter but I just feel again - taking advantage? I don’t know, it just feels strange.
  1. He said that his friends joked with him “rather than spending all money on dates, just go to a hooker and you’re guaranteed sex”. He said this depressed him because he realised he was paying for sex with the girls on dating apps.

I’m just so disappointed in myself to think like this and to be judgemental but I can’t stop thinking about it all. Obviously it’s all in his past, but I think it just says a lot about him?

With me, he wasn’t like this at all. He dated me for 3 months before we had sex. He was a gentleman, and has continued to be throughout our marriage. In considering individual counselling because I can’t stop thinking about it. It’s not jealousy, it’s disgust. Sometimes I don’t even want him to touch me or be near me. Aibu?

OP posts:
JMSA · 20/10/2025 19:17

I mean, you make him sound like a rapist. Presumably he had consent, from the lesbian too?
Don’t get me wrong though, he does sound awful.

SoMuchBadAdvice · 20/10/2025 19:13

You either love him or you don't. MN's opinion isn't relevant. Personally, I wouldn't touch him with a bargepole, but surely this is a good thing for you?

whimsicallyprickly · 20/10/2025 19:12

How is he a gentleman? How is he anything other than a disgusting misogynist? Why did you marry him?

Daaaaahling · 20/10/2025 19:05

It's his contempt for women that is turning you off, not how much sex he's had.

Exploitative sex where one person is contemptuous of the other is disgusting - whether it happens lots of times or just once.

Illegally18 · 20/10/2025 19:01

MyAmusedPearlSquid · 20/10/2025 17:47

Yuk talking about mother of his child like that I would have to leave him tbh you can do better op !

Exactly, I couldn't be doing with that. What a low grade streak of piss.

WhereYouLeftIt · 20/10/2025 18:53

elefanty · 20/10/2025 12:33

It’s getting to the point where I am doubting if I even love him. Posters suggesting the misogynist part are probably right. I also don’t understand why he needed to tell me.

"Yes. It’s that exactly. His looking down on other women and then acting like a gentleman, or traditional in his views. It feels like an act"

My guess would be that he's an out-and-out misogynist, with the whole whore-madonna thing going on. Consider this from https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2018-04940-001 psycnet.apa.org/record/2018-04940-001]]]]
"The Madonna-Whore Dichotomy (MWD) denotes polarized perceptions of women in general as either “good,” chaste, and pure Madonnas or as “bad,” promiscuous, and seductive whores. Whereas prior theories focused on unresolved sexual complexes or evolved psychological tendencies, feminist theory suggests the MWD stems from a desire to reinforce patriarchy."

So he slept around with the 'bad' girls and married the 'good girl'. But whether he views a woman as a Madonna or a whore, he doesn't regard any woman as a person, a human, his female equal. We are all just things, labelled 'bad' and therefore to be mistreated/debased or 'good' and to be well-treated.

"I also don’t understand why he needed to tell me."
Neither do I. I wonder. You're in the 'good' box. Does he think that you should look down on all those 'bad' women, to reinforce you as deserving of your 'good' status? If you showed any fellow-feeling towards these women, would he regard you as ripe for similar mistreatment? In short - was it a test? Can he actually resist mistreating ALL women, since - he's a misogynist. Women don't matter to him, except as a resource to be used and discarded. Even the Madonnas.

I'm thinking aloud here, because I can't fathom that behaviour.

researchers3 · 20/10/2025 18:51

CrackingOn50 · 20/10/2025 12:29

It's not his past sex life that you're disgusted with it's the fact that he's a raging misogynist and how he speaks and thinks about women.

Someone could have had hundreds of sexual partners/kinks/unconventional relationships and it wouldn't matter if they were decent human beings.

Unfortunately your husband doesn't sound like he falls into the 'decent' category.

Completely this!

I'd rather date someone who'd slept with dozens of women but had respect for them, and women in general, than this creep who uses women and apparently despises them.

He's revolting. How's he going to talk about you when you inevitably (I hope) dump his creepy arse.

LuXun · 20/10/2025 18:33

I'm a man, but I also find it very strange that he would share this with you. There's an alarming number of men (though I'd say it's a declining minority) who will talk like this about women, especially when they have had a few drinks, but I've always assumed they wouldn't talk like that at home as their relationships wouldn't survive. Have you asked him why he has these attitudes towards women?

JustSawJohnny · 20/10/2025 18:28

Why do you think he's telling you all this now?

It's hardly gonna make you love him more, is it?!

Seems pointless and risky, especially as he knows your stance on one night stands etc.

pinkyredrose · 20/10/2025 18:28

You've married a misogynist.

stardustbiscuits · 20/10/2025 18:22

The behaviour you're describing doesn't align with the definition of sex positivity. Sex positive men will treat women as equals, with respect, form positive connections and seek to enhance their experience as well as their own. They will approach sex with curiosity, joy, integrity and passion. None of the behaviours you describe speak to that. Using people for money, or using them with money, does not speak to that.

KeyboardCat · 20/10/2025 18:22

I'll be honest I got the massive ick when my ex told me he'd paid a massage worker for a 'happy ending' - I couldn't see him the same after that and ended the relationship.

ThatsNotMyNameAlan · 20/10/2025 18:15

It’s not about being judgey. It’s about having standards. He’s horrible. I’d have the massive ick and I’d have to LTB. Ugh. Awful man.

Tink3rbell30 · 20/10/2025 18:12

Ew all of that is absolutely gross, I couldn't recover from that ick and would not be having sex with him ever.

MsCactus · 20/10/2025 18:11

He's revolting OP. Nothing to do with sex, the way he talks about women is awful. Why would you want to be with someone like that? Even if he's treating you nicely now, you know how he talks about women behind their back. Grim

EDIT to say I'm sure he's nice to these women's faces too

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 20/10/2025 18:11

Plugsocketrocket · 20/10/2025 12:31

I can see why you feel the way you do. Even him saying all of this to you is really worrying. I mean is he trying to get you to validate his perspective and behaviour. He still doesn’t see anything wrong with it.

Agree that the worrying thing is him telling you. Is there something from his past about to come out?
It's like when celebrities go on damage control pre something explosive hitting the red tops.

Also OP, are you calling him out of his behaviour/words?

If my DH used one of those terms, it would be the first and last time as he'd know where I stand.

There's healthy conversation on past sex lives, which is usually early on, so again, I'd be worried why he's suddenly bringing all this up.

Redpeach · 20/10/2025 18:10

His poor daughter

MyAmusedPearlSquid · 20/10/2025 17:47

Yuk talking about mother of his child like that I would have to leave him tbh you can do better op !

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 20/10/2025 17:43

elefanty · 20/10/2025 12:40

Yes. It’s that exactly. His looking down on other women and then acting like a gentleman, or traditional in his views. It feels like an act

Show quote history

He took advantage of his DD’s mother and now verbally abuses her?? Wow. I feel sorry for that child.

he sounds misogynistic and incredibly unpleasant. I hope you don’t have children - especially not daughters…

TeaRoseTallulah · 20/10/2025 17:40

CuriousKangaroo · 20/10/2025 12:32

His past sex life wouldn’t bother me, but his attitude to women would. Are you sure that isn’t what is disgusting you? Because his attitude is disgusting and if he couldn’t see that, then I would worry that nothing had really changed inside his head.

Yes,that's what would bother me too,his attitude not his sex life.

chaosmaker · 20/10/2025 17:40

Do you have to do the 'women's jobs' in the relationship. Only because you said he was a 'traditionalist' makes me think cave man tbh. He is not someone that likes women as other posters have said. I would be running away. Who is to say that he won't go wandering off when he wants fun with someone else he can look down on.

ahoyshipmate · 20/10/2025 17:33

I struggle to believe this as he’s so obviously horrific you’d need to be really dumb to fall for it

Adooree · 20/10/2025 17:31

I'm quite old now , and had slept with one person before meeting my dh .
Whilst I know about his more serious relationships ( so therefore a few numbers ) I don't know his " true " numbers .
Is it my business ? It was before me and can't be changed .

Edited to add we've been together 25+ years .

lifeonmars100 · 20/10/2025 17:30

He hates women and sees them as pieces of meat not human beings. I couldn't stand to listen to his horrible comments and would wonder what he said about me when I wasn't around.

ifyoulikechocolate · 20/10/2025 17:16

🤮 He’s vile.

What is he saying about you behind your back? What will he say about you if you leave? And also, I bet he’s still trying it on with other women.