DHs past sex life making me feel disgusted.

He's a mysogynist who holds a madonna / whore attitude to wormen. He has unfortunately managed to hide it from you before now.

I remember realising this early on when luckily an ex made a disgusted comment about an overweight woman in a tight dress that you'd sleep with her at the end of the night but then run in the morning. He was drunk but realised he had slipped up when he saw the shocked expression on my face and said "oh no!!! I'd never treat you like that, you are so classy. That's why I have not asked you for sex. I want us to wait."

He was revolting to me from then on and I never saw him again, just blocked him. I think you are having a similar reaction.

It’s baffling to me that a misogynist incel would spend so much time on a site called “Mumsnet”.

It’s not equally plausible as you cannot be “trapped” into having a child. He chose not to use contraception with somebody he chose to have a fling with.

And he openly stated he took advantage of her so not sure why he needs you to be his advocate?

no
coercing people into sex is rape
I don't care if people aren't comfortable calling it rape. It is rape.

Not all rapists are hiding in a dark alley to ambush an unsuspecting woman.

They never left.

"Illegally18"?

I see the incels have arrived

The sex isn't the problem. His raging misogyny and disrespect for women, however, absolutely is.

Sorry, not read all the comments.

Initially I was going to say YABU because I thought you were going to be disgusted because he'd had a lot of one night stands or something.

But this - He talks about her poorly, calling her a tramp or ugly or a slut.

This is present tense. He hasn't changed at all if that's how he speaks about women he's slept with, particularly vulnerable ones. And the mother of his child.

I guarantee if you told him you slept around a lot before you met him, he would switch how he views you even though you would be the same person he has known all this time.

Which I suppose is a bit ironic because you've known him all this time, but your disgust is because you didn't know he was a misogynist who took advantage of women then called them disgusting names afterwards.

Who gives a shit if he feels bad because he thinks he was 'paying for women' through dating apps. I bet they didn't think that was what was happening.

Sorry, but I don't know how you can get by the true person he has shown himself to be.

That was my impression too.

He either wants out but wants her to leave so he's pushing or he wants to open the relationship up.

He sounds like a proper bell end, whatever his reasoning.

Yes. Op's survival instincts are finally kicking in.

He's seeing how far he can push it with the OP with her commenting. He's grooming her for accepting unacceptable behaviour in future because 'i treat you better than all of them'.

It's all about normalising dog shit behaviour.

Did you actually read the previous quotes? The poster suggested that there was a consent issue and he took advantage of the mum

I suggested an alternative narrative which is equally plausible. So please explain how your comment bears any relevance?

He's vile

indeed!

He sounds disgusting. You say he talks poorly about his ex - I can’t believe you didn’t shut that down the first time!

Madonna/whore complex is strong in this one. Let me guess, he told you early on you ‘weren’t like other girls.’

That's the least of it surely. Past sex is past sex. But calling a woman ugly and a slut is not in the past!

You can be sex positive and not feel great about these facts. Because yeah they don’t paint him in a positive light

it’s not like he was a player, more like he was a user and was cynically taking advantage of people he didn’t even like

Yeah this isn't about his sex life, it's that he completely objectifies women and reduces their value to sex and doesn't seem to view them as people with feelings, just happy to use whoever he can to get sex/free rent. Gross.

@elefanty He’s told me over the years we’ve been married that he had “sugar mamas” when he was in his early to mid 20s, where he’d sleep with 40/50 year old women and “act as a stepdad to their kids” so he could have somewhere to live/pay for his hobbies. I find that disgusting to be honest. He said that they were “gross” but “sex was sex” and he was “depressed”

This is genius. I wonder how he managed to do this.

Don’t get this. Did you know this before you married him? I can’t blame you for going off him, he sounds awful. Slept with women to have somewhere to live/play his hobby? Archetypal cocklodger!

I fear you are about to discover that most men with traditional views subscribe to this virgin/whore concept of women. You got the “good side” because in his view you’re “wife material” but he’s the same man who had a one night stand with a woman she now calls a slag who he thought wasn’t “girlfriend material”.

He’s horrible. But the warning signs were there from the start.

The fact that he uses such language to describe the mother of his child tells me everything I need to know.

He doesn’t have to like her, but to use such derogatory language towards the woman who’s presumably the resident parent of his daughter is fucking gross 🤨
I don’t like my exH. I struggle to see how I was ever attracted to him in any way…..but he’s the father of my children. How I feel about him personally is best kept in the vault, because he’s going to be a part of my life forever.

Theres a big difference between a person being sexually adventurous and engaging in risky sexual behaviour in their youth, and a person simply being a misogynistic pig. I fear your husband appears to be the latter 🫠

Really, I do wish women would stop proclaiming themselves 'sex positive' - stop being so fucking accommodating!! Being 'sex positive' seems to basically be proclaiming yourself open to pretty much everything, no discrimination. It might once have meant, let's have a healthy attitude towards sex, let's allow everyone to embrace what they want, be open to other's orientations etc - but there's little healthy about saying 'I feel like I ought to be happy about everything my parter's done and to say otherwise is repressive and bad and I should feel guilty about it'.

Raise your bar, OP. He's a sleaze bag. He thinks of other women he's had sex with in those ways and he's not shy to tell you. How do you think he thinks about you? If your relationship came to an end, how would he relate that to the next woman who comes along?

Honestly I would get rid. And for heaven's sake, have some self-respect. You do NOT have to respect whatever some git does with his cock in the name of 'sex positivity'!

I’m willing to allow a certain amount of room for growth. Male culture is toxic to a greater or lesser degree, and it would be commendable if he had outgrown earlier influences. But it doesn’t really sound like he has. Instead he’s found the timeless solution of misogynistic men through the ages: the Madonna/Whore dichotomy.

But what concerns me most in this is you @9ctwood because I think you’re really struggling to see clearly past your own conditioning. What sort of relationship modelling did you grow up with? And what influences have shaped your thinking?

Disgust isn’t a thought - it’s a physical reaction. Often our bodies know what’s what, even when our brains cannot think clearly. You’re trying to justify something, but it’s clashing with an identity structure of yourself as sex positive and open minded. When identity is challenged like this, it’s not uncommon to feel confused and try to rethink and rearrange the facts (the psychological term is cognitive dissonance).

I want to step sideways for a moment. It’s really common for women with abusive partners to say that he treats her like a princess/queen. It sounds like a good thing but it’s nearly always a red flag. In a healthy relationship there isn’t such a swing to the extremes. They tend to be a boring by comparison.

And coming back to your description of the gentleman - it strikes me as a swing to an extreme. It would also make me wonder if he was celibate for those three months. Have you ever had a sexual health check?

Some therapy to talk this out wouldn’t be a bad idea op because there’s a lot more at play for you, than just his behaviour and taking time to unpick the patterns would be wise.

But I just want to reiterate that what you’re feeling isn’t at all unreasonable. I always advise listening carefully to what your body tells you, especially when it’s uncomfortable.