DHs past sex life making me feel disgusted.

I would feel the same way as you. I'd have no issue if my husband had a 'body count' in the hundreds if every encounter was respectful and on a shared basis of understanding. Sex is just sex.

But your husband sounds like a misogynistic user that sponges off women.

Charitably speaking it may be an issue with his self-esteem. If you really think he's changed, then you could go to counselling together and as individuals.

But I'm being very fucking charitable here. He doesn't sound like a very nice human.

I'm not sure it's the sex history that you're disgusted by tbh.
I think it's that you're seeing your husband for who he actually is.
A man who has fucked women he found disgusting, but would give him money, a place to live, and sex.
A man who would confuse children whilst doing the above.
A man who sleeps with anyone who will let him, even women he is ashamed to admit he knows.
A man who refers to any woman as a tramp, ugly, or a shut would be offputting to me, but even worse, this is the mother of his child.

I'd also be very much questioning the conversation he had about his mates likening his dates to prostitutes... I think he's probably paid for sex too.

I don't have high standards, but he sounds like a vile STD magnet. Doesn't care where he slaps his knob and doesn't cover it up by the sounds of it.

Sorry, you have married a man who calls the mother of his child a tramp and a slut?

Is that correct?

I mean the language he uses to describe women would be a huge red flag to me. Not necessarily the sex acts but the way he describes them and the women he was with is horrible. However lots of people are idiots when they’re younger and if he isn’t like that now then that is also important. If he’s bragging about how he used a “slut” for sex and laughing about it that would disgust me and I would question him as a role model for my child.

To be honest, I don't think it's the sex you're bothered with @elefanty, its the way he thinks of, treats, and talks about women.

I'm a man, who had a decent number of one night stands and short flings in my younger years, prior to meeting DP. They were all mutual. We both knew that we were having sex with each other because sex was fun, and it meant nothing more than that. Neither of us was using the other person, any more than I'm using someone if I ask them to join me in a game of tennis

If I was your husband OP, I don't think you'd particularly be disgusted about that. It's not about the sex, it's about the fact that your husband see's women as a tool , or a conquest. He sleeps with them in order to get a roof over his head, or so he can brag that he can even get lesbians to sleep with him. He doesn't see women as people, at least not once he's shagged them. At that point they're beneath him, ugly slags or tramps. He see's sex as something that degrades a woman, that makes her less than she was before. He doesn't think the same for men, he thinks that it gives him bragging rights.

Finding out that you think your husband is a disgusting prick doesn't make you sex-negative. It just means your husband is probably a disgusting prick.

Edit to add: And he's not a gentleman now either. He still has these views about his ex's, he must do otherwise he wouldn't be telling you about them. And if he thinks of them like that, what on earth do you think he really thinks about you?

Yes that sounds like about right. He can be respectful but then really trashy/ sleazy too. Still very judgmental about who’s the “right” or “wrong” sort of woman.

If your questioning the consent or lack of then you are accusing him of rape by deception

It doesn't really sound like he was taking advantage. The encounters all seem pretty mutual.
It sounds more like HE had a self esteem and self worth issue. Was searching for something but looking in the wrong places.
Not all women who have hook ups or toy boys are taken advantage of. Sometimes they just want sex too.

Yes, this is what's disgusting, not having a past sex life.

Gentleman my arse.

This. Seems like you've grown up a bit and recognise this behaviour now. He is not the only man to do these things, which doesn't make it better.

One of my exes said fat women are always disgustingly grateful for sex, so if he was feeling angry at women he would "get one of those". Horrid but does show how they think of us.

Now you've seen behind the curtain it's up to you if you can deal with it. Or how you want to deal with it. Maybe teach his daughter how to look out for men like that when she grows up and try to stop the cycle?

I don't think this is about your disgust about the sex he has had specifically, it's about the fact he doesn't seem to see women as people and that's reflected in the way he has treated them in the past (particularly around sex but not limited to that). And it's not even all in the past as he still speaks about other women this way (eg "He talks about her poorly, calling her a tramp or ugly or a slut."). It would make me really struggle to trust him.

He is (I assume) nice to you now as far as you're aware but how much would it take for him to flip and use you or other women again as he doesn't seem rehabilitated, more that circumstances are now such that he doesn't "need" to pay women for sex or take advantage in the ways he has in the past.

When he tells you this sort of awful stuff how do you react OP? Do you pretend it doesn’t bother you as you don’t want to be judgmental? If my DH said this sort of stuff to me I would be like wtaf and have it out with him. I think you’re confused about being ‘judgmental’. It’s one think being judgy if your DH told you he had hundreds of sexual partners before meeting you but was safe etc but this is a different level that needs judging!!!!!!

I don't really understand your last point, but if he has slept with prostitutes that would 100% upset me

The rest of it all sounds like consenting sex between adults to be fair, but the way he talks about the women afterwards isn't nice.

Not everyone is comfortable in labeling all sex that doesn't involve complete and full honesty as rape. To force this definition, you are in effect creating a binary whereby the man is either 'a rapist' or innocent of wrong doing. Many people believe there is exploitative and abusive sexual behaviours that doesn't meet the bar for rape, and probably not for even a lesser criminal term, but are nevertheless wrong.

Yes i agree.

I'm struggling to see how, if OP was in a relationship with him for 3 years before they married, she didn't know what his attitude to women was like. Presumably he was talking about the mother of his child in disparaging terms right from when OP first knew him.

It's hard to believe he just started to talk about his previous sex life after they were married as he obviously doesnt feel any embarrassment or regret about it.

stop worrying about judging him and start judging your self so that you'll leave. It's not normal for him to talk this way let alone to keep telling you about it. I wonder what he is laying the groundwork for?

It does sort of sound like the classic Madonna and the whore. So women are either chaste paragons of virtue and should be treated with respect or whores thst can be treated horribly.

The problem is invariably at some point you cross between the two, due to something real or imagined and then he will feel justified in treating you like shit.

the issue isn't his sex life it his absolutely horrible personality.. he is liar and a user and he often lied to and about women for the purposes of getting them into bed.

misogynist idiot. calling the mother of his child names when he was the one sleeping with her unprotected doesn't say much about his character. but more than likely he is lying and just being a nasty loser because he got her pregnant.

most people don't sleep with people they think are ugly slutty tramps and if they did, they'd probably use a condom.

He sounds awful and the fact he still talks about the mother of his child like that shows his misogyny is embedded in his character.

He clearly doesn't treat women well so it would certainly be a red flag for me.

But talking about the woman in the cafe in that way seems a bit OTT. So what if a woman with fillers and was overweight said hello to him? You sound like you're being a bit nasty about her and she's done nothing wrong.

I would not be ok with my DP taking about the mother of his child like that.

you are saying that you think he coerced them.

What do you think rape is?

This is not a man who likes women.

This pervasive level of hatred and disrespect towards women is vile.

How would you feel if you have sons and they speak about women like this; copying their primary male role model.

I am at a loss as to why he has waited until now to show you how he really feels about women. Is this a cloaked warning for you to tow the line?

Or is he "reminding" you how "lucky" you are when he has treated previous partners so poorly?

In any event, you can do better. Throw this one back. Hopefully no one else catches him.

I don’t really get why his friend who is a lesbian wanted to sleep with him and that it’s “taking advantage”?