DHs past sex life making me feel disgusted.

You are well justified in being disgusted at what he has confessed, and I'm afraid that I would not be able to persist in this relationship after witnessing the behaviour that you have described.

Thank goodness you have discovered this before offspring have been produced.

For the preservation of your self respect and self esteem, unwind your legal, residential, and financial union with this individual immediately.

He sounds like a massive red flag from the first example alone.

This guy actively equated it with his anger. If a woman had made him feel small he would take it out on a fat woman and be repulsed at how easy it was to bed her and how grateful she was for any kind of attention, even ill treatment. It was horrible. He went on to do a lot of horrible shit to me too and it taught me the lesson to never ignore these red flags. If they do it to anyone else they can, and probably will, do it to you too.

How is this coming up? Is he telling you? Usually someone else? Is he bragging? Do you ask ans he answered? Does he just casually bring up "i was.once screwing this 40yo single mom and pretending to give a shir for food. Lolz" or how do these come up?

People do change with time though (hopefully for the better).

I would certainly hope he at least now recognised what he had done was wrong, and be apologetic for it.

Absolutely this.

This exactly. He's vile, not because he had casual sex but because his attitude to women is vile.

He sounds like an a misogynist prick.

How do you think he talks about you when you’re not around?

I think what strikes me is his behaviour and decision making may be at conflict with OP’s values. I feel this is completely different (and at odds) with positivity relating to sexual activity…

that's widely how they see fat / women deemed unattractive. I've seen men beeline for overweight older women, persue/flirt/flatter and then admit the girls they like won't go for them
Whislt they then emotionally abuse the older overweight women they have a non committed situationship but she's fallen for all the flattery and now has feelings ofcourse entangled with older women's kids as some sort man figure in there lives.

Sure we've all seen this. But yes, many men see women's bodies as resources and large women are deemed easy.

I think the way he speaks about his encounters are as problematic (more in some instances) than the encounters themselves.

He says nasty things about the mother of his child? He refers to the past "sugar mamas" as "gross"? He sounds disgusting and has no respect for women.

I also think you may benefit from looking at the way you think about other women as the description of the woman in the... coffee shop? Was unnecessarily mean, why not just say "she was very like other women i know to be his type" or "she was very different to me but similar to many of his ex's which led me to think he'd slept with her". Do you think there's an underlying reason for this?

Anyway, your husband sounds awful and I would be wary about your relationship with him as he is happy to talk like this infront of you, I'd wonder what he could be saying when you're not around, how much worse could it get?

I imagine that he appeared to be a gentleman to these other women as well - he got them all to sleep with him somehow.

But then, as a PP said, the act of having sex with these women downgrades them in his eyes. He's pleased with how he's successfully manipulated them, but now they're disposable.

I would think long and hard about how he is very clearly able to go from 'gentleman' to 'total pig' so easily, and how you might get recategorised in future.

I wouldn’t be with someone who used women like that ! One thing is him having slept with lots of people etc and that’s fine but the way he admits to having used women is vile

He's admitted that he's had sex with women of whom he feels extremely contemptuous, but he went ahead because it was sex and what else matters. It's also pretty homophobic to have sex with a lesbian purely because she's a lesbian; the only motivation is feeling like he was able to "turn" her (though not in the same way that he turns my stomach).

You have no way of knowing that he feels differently about you. I expect that on some level he feels contemptuous of you too; he probably thinks it reflects well on him that you're not a "slut" who slept with him early, but that deep down you're the same as all the others and he just had to work a bit harder.

Christ, he sounds like a complete scumbag. How do you not have the complete ick?

Sex positive is a stupid thing IMO, what does that mean? You should be understanding of and up for men's grubby fetishes? No thanks. I have no interest in being 'sex positive', I'll stick with my boundaries.

He sounds like a misogynistic creep OP - and you think you should be fine with it because you're 'sex positive'.

OP, do you understand that the way he talks about women is really, really wrong? Have you always been surrounded by people that talk like this? Just think its worth understanding your background and understanding as most people will be reading this and going 'why on earth would you have married such a horrible man'

Sorry has all this only come to light very recently or did you start a relationship with him and then go on to marry him knowing all this?

What is he getting from his marraige to you op , If you split what will he say about you?

He sounds like a piece of shit who doesn't like or respect women. He might not do this stuff any more, but he still speaks very disrespectfully about women, including the mother of his child.

You dont have to tie yourself in knots trying to decide if its justified to have gone right off him.

1. Its definitely justified.
2. You can leave him for whatever reason.

I think he sounds gross the way he talks about women, and clearly things dont add up. I agree he takes advantage of people, especially women. Id also be reevaluating whether thats the person i want to grow old with.

I think the issue is it sounds like you (rather like me fwiw) are not flattered by the idea of being considered 'girlfriend material' by a man who thinks this way.

That is entirely fair enough and actually has nothing to do with sex, and everything to do with interpersonal attitudes.

I would be terrified of having daughters with a man like this, and even more terrified of having sons with them.

That’s a big claim.

Not consenting to sex and having sex with someone that you hope turns into a relationship are two very different things!

It sounds to me like he was sleeping around a bit , maybe he was sleeping with people who would have liked more but as long as he wasn’t promising them relationships then he’s done nothing wrong. Even if he was in a relationship with someone who was more into it than him that does not mean the sex was not consensual.

Many people have sex with someone they don’t see as ‘ relationship material ‘ that doesn’t mean that they are taking advantage ( like you describe the mother of his child ) - doesn’t mean the sex is not consensual.

Many people regret sleeping with certain people ( the fact he denied having slept with a woman you saw ) - doesn’t mean the sex was non consensual.

Sleeping with women and being a step dad so they have somewhere to stay - that’s horrible. But , you’re putting all the blame on him, what about the women inviting someone into their home and around their children like that?

Sounds like he was a bit of a player . Not unusual. He treated you with respect , that’s what you should be focused on. His past is his business , as long as he hasn’t abused women.

My husband had a similar past , I know he’s slept with god knows how many people , but he treats me with love and respect.

I have also had casual sex in the past, I’ve slept with men I know wanted more than I did and I’ve also slept with men who I liked more than they liked me and I hoped something more came of it . I do not feel that I took advantage of them nor them me as we all wanted it at the time.

I would sit back and think about how you actually feel about your partner because it sounds like you have a very negative view of him .

His past sex life isn't the problem, it's his lack of respect for women, which is demonstrated by his actions. He may have changed but you need to properly assess that as it would be unusual to change so much for the better when he was a misogynist before you met.

What's interesting to me about all this is why did the husband want to talk about his past in such detail? Some people who 'confess' to stuff they've done know the listener will find it difficult to hear, but say it anyway. He's either totally selfish or a bragging moron.