To hold off moving in with DP because of lack of practical info…?

How does this man react when you talk about keeping your house & renting it out?
If he doesnt seem bothered then that at least would suggest he's no plans to persuade you to invest the proceeds of the sale into his new property and thereby have you on the hook to fund a lifestyle (in his country manor) that you cant afford.

You are never serious?? Youve left one controlling relationship and into another, its his house and he owns it, any money you pay off his mortgage is his not yours, you are giving him that money!!! You could pay that off his mortgage and he could dump you the next day, hes a scammer, buy yourself a house and either live in it or rent it out but dont pay any money off his mortgage, do see a financial advisor and dont think you are entitled to his house as you are not, no wonder he doesnt want to discuss anything i bet he cant believe his luck

I know its of little concern to you but can he afford the house on his own income? If so whats the rush? Keep your independence for as long as you want. Indefinitely if you wish. You are not a little girl who needs to have a ring on her finger and be told what to do. You are a mother with her own independence, income and home.

Take a chill and enjoy your time. He needs to make a bigger effort and if he asks why you dont want to move in you have a list of things that wont just go away in 5 mins. He needs to buck his ideas up

That’s a good idea to rent out your current house, though it’s a lot of responsibility.

Right now I certainly would not stick my house equity in an account while inflation (though not too bad) is eating away at it, while not being on the deeds anywhere (wtf). I do think property values are also falling unless you’re both canny and lucky in what you buy, but as moving offers you something very important in terms of getting away from your ex I would probably choose to do that.

I think your best bet right now if you want to get away from the place you are living is to sell your house, buy a smaller one in the area you have in mind and then you can live in that or rent it out and move in with DP, once you are sorted.

As he has no mortgage I think it would be much fairer if you paid the bills according to your income. I appreciate you want to "pay your way" but that is simply not fair. If you do insist on 50/50 then make sure you can make some profit from your rental to cover this.

At a practical level, I would simply rent ou your current house. You say th emortgage is still quite large on that so if you can continue to pay it and benefit from any increase in value over the long term, you're saving the cost of buying somewhere near with all the legal and other fees that come with it, while still maintaining your security for you and your DC.

Protect yourself & your assets at all times OP, I have done this & I'm in a very long term & happy relationship. I have personally witnessed what can go wrong (family & friends) & they were the most unlikely people so nothing surprises me nowadays.

I don't get any red flags from him, you've been with him 5 years and you seem happy.
I think you're being very sensible questioning everything, but I get the sense he's more relaxed about the whole thing rather than malice.
Hold firm and state your boundaries.
I hope it works out for you, you sound lovely and from your post it sounds as if you've had a rough time x

he has said to be a number of times things would be much easier for me when I’m only paying half of a bill as opposed to all of it (on my own home/lifestyle) I disagree

But you'd be paying half of his (much larger) bills. Rather than paying all of your own (smaller) bills. He'd be benefitting. Would you?

I agree with this @CeliasLastFart .

Your past should've taught you to avoid vulnerabilities where possible.

Have all the discussions necessary, but protect yourself properly. Have something that is yours to fall back on if this doesn't work out for any reason.

For all those arguing caution we don't know how it's going to work out.

How about working out how much you can afford to contribute towards bills etc.? Maybe based on how much you pay currently.

And then let him know.

R.e. your house realistically it takes some time to sell your house.

I do wonder if perhaps he really wants to be married and have a "mine is yours" approach, but doesn't want to suggest this as you've always insisted on paying half.

People have very different attitudes to money and some just don't grow up talking about it. It isn't necessary a red flag.

Slow right down, get individual legal advice. Have some open conversations with your partner, get joint legal advice if you want to go ahead. You're giving up a lot.

Unless he has offered marriage I would be very careful OP.

Have I got this right? You won’t be on the deeds but the discussion is around you paying a chunk or all of your house equity into his property?

Why are you the one jumping through all the hoops? I'd sit and reflect on that.

Set aside the notion of moving in. It's perfectly fine to be "together apart." Your absolute Number One priority must be securing your own financial solvency and security. If that means purchasing what you can afford even though it's further from him, so be it. Do not mingle finances and do not support his household financially.

If he doesn't like the distance, let him be the one to sell up and move closer to you. Why hasn't that been part of the discussion to date?

By all means move to the same area as your partner but I'd be buying myself a small property, to house myself and children (even if it's rented out). Don't move in with your partner, until you are 100% sure what you will be expected to pay, and how household chores etc with be shared. If you earn less than your partner, and the house is large, then the bills will be higher, so would you be able to pay 50%? Or would all your money be going on bills, leaving nothing to support your children and yourself? Don't put yourself in that position. You are definitely being wise to be cautious.

I have yet to meet a builder/plumber/sparky who’s on top of his paperwork and financials. This is the equivalent of the massive shed that he’s ‘going to sort’ while shoving in another box of ‘stuff that might be useful ‘.
He does not want to look in the shed. It doesn’t mean he’s a bad person looking to do you down. He’s at the top of his game, earning loads of money and his accountant sorts the books.
Do the spreadsheet thing that the pp offered, Keep going with what you are comfortable with, he will probs be happy for some clarity without him having to look too closely!

His unwillingness to discuss despite your repeated attempts to, is red flag behaviour. He is prioritising what he wants over what you need from him. He is prioritising this lovely big house he has fallen in love with, over what would work for you (a smaller house and associated costs).

I very firmly think you should buy your own house and live in it, somewhere that suits you. Maybe it'll be near where he is, maybe it won't, but you need to prioritise your own best interests 100%, as generally good life advice but also because he's not hesitating to do what suits him without taking into consideration your feelings or needs. So you do exactly the same.

It could be the case that he’s very excited about the house and has visions of you living together in it, and doesn’t want to discuss the finer details lest it swiftly bring him back down to earth. People do get carried away, and often prefer to stick their head in the sand over dealing with anything that’s likely to kill the fantasy. It may be a case of stupidity rather than malice.

Will moving in with your partner mean that your kids are only entitled to the minimum maintenance loan at uni? That might make it very difficult or impossible for them to be able to continue their studies if you can't afford to top it up sufficiently? Or are they nearly finished studying?

Will your kids be staying at Christmas or the summer holidays? Might they move in after university? Won't they feel like they are relying on the hospitality of a stranger?

I think you would be better to have your own place for now at least until all your kids are living as independent adults.

Presumably there's enough when you've sold yours for you to buy somewhere you can rent out and possibly move in to if necessary? This would come with expenses - new but smaller mortgage, and paying 100% of all household bills. think of this as your default cost of living.

Instead you could rent this new property out. After tax there may be a slight profit, but allow for maintenance and repairs. I would think that there's no reason why you couldn't be expected to pay your default cost of living towards household bills and costs. He pays for repairs and maintenance to his house, and you split council tax, utilities and food together with contents insurance. I don't understand why there may be a problem with this.

Maybe a trial period of actually living together. Its a big change from long distance to being in each others pockets.
I would work out how much i could afford to pay towards the bills, what is fair. Offer that as a contribilution and say you will trial living there for 12 months and see how it works for you both.
Options after the trial are either you both prefer to live alone and maintain a relationship as two separate householders, you could buy into the property, you could buy an investment flat etc.
It seem that first thing is to actually see if you are compatible to live together full time and he is happy long term to contribute a higher amount without becoming resentful.