Horrified by DD’s new boyfriend

I love this!!

OMG this is perfect! Nailed it!

@HRchatter it sounds like you felt deeply betrayed by people not intervening. But you have no idea what you would have done if you had received the type of approach you now advocate. Extremes of any sort are rarely beneficial in the long term.
Your attitude and approach are extreme. They may give the results you apparently desire in the short term, but show me any guidance supporting your approach other than within extremely controlling communities such as deeply religious societies.
You appear to have had a reactive response to your own experience and have opted to do the exact opposite. That's not a well informed basis for parenting.

Sorry, is embarrassed.

Give the benefit of the doubt. Hopefully OP has read replies, realised they are being precipitous and are embarrassed.

But to make that judgement on the basis of 1 photo that they have "no ambition, no money and no interest in life" is just plain bigoted.

You can't say "council estate" on Mumsnet, the Surrey Massive will have conniptions.

It's astonishing to me that you can be 'horrified' by someone you haven't met and about whom you know nothing.

His tattoos and his address are irrelevant. Being out of work is only a concern if it's a long-term lifestyle choice for him - but even then, it's not really any of your business, assuming your daughter is an adult.

If someone was 'horrified' by you based on a photo and your address, how would you feel? Presumably you can't possibly imagine anyone feeling that way, but I'm pretty sure plenty of people would be able to make some unpleasant judgements about you based on those things.

My GP has sleeve tattoos and he is lovely! Tattoos don’t make people inept at jobs, nor should they be judged for them (unless they are vulgar or offensive) Attitudes towards tattoos are not the same as they once were. In every office I have worked in, no one bats an eyelid.

Maybe Google Dr Sarah Gray

My late mil thought like you @HRchatter wasnt good enough the things she said about me and my family was horrific, she even said we were not married because our wedding wasn't in a church she.was batshit! i don't understand your way of thinking surely you could be civil to partners and allow them in your house ?

It also protects your daughters if you "accept" them you don't need to like them.

I agree that not encouraging your child to be with someone who is obviously wrong for them IS the job of a parent. But there are ways to do that!

They also need to get things out of their system, a few flings with a few of the local bad boys is part of life. You just have to make sure it doesn't get serious.

Someone unemployed with no ambition, no money and no interest in life tends to get boring very quickly thankfully!

You've not said if hes a lovely person or not and how he treats your DD. I was brought up in an area that wasnt as posh as my exes and friends and brought up sorry by a single parent, the best parent in the world who found herself in a situation where she was single. I went to uni have a great job and I bloody tell you now am a better person than all those exes and people who looked down on us. Shame on them and shame on you.

Just search my comments it’s there. It was an extreme case, but I would say to anybody don’t think that you do not have an opinion or you have to welcome just anyone.
Me saying to her that I would cut her off would not have been enough
For her to think that she wouldn’t have support with her children would be sufficient and was sufficient to make her realise she was not gonna get the life she wanted with him

But you are dictating…. I agree you don’t have to have anyone in your house that you don’t wan’t to, but by saying no potential grandchildren will be welcome is forcing her hand, it’s basically them or me. You would deny yourself your daughter if she has chosen differently.

It would be interesting to know why you didn’t like the partner though, it might change peoples mind on your decision

Ooh look another goady froth inducing bitchplop and run OP and people are 🎣

That didn’t happen we all know it didn’t happen

My DH is covered in tattoos, including both sides of his neck. He is Head of Design for a very successful international apparel brand. Oh and he grew up poor with a single mother too!

As you say, you have to save this for the big stuff not dying their hair Or picking the wrong A levels
But men can undo kill people’s daughters and you have to be extremely careful who you look over the threshold. If you think you have no opinion on that and you have to be Passive, it’s a grave grave mistake

He must be an absolute rarity because I've never seen or heard of a fully tattooed surgeon before. The problem with this type of logic is that you assume a rare anecdote is proof for a statistically unlikely outcome. It's safe to say that 99% of surgeons are not tattooed and 1% are. However I would not encourage my child to date someone with two full tattoo sleeves on the tiny chance he could be a surgeon. It makes no sense whatsoever.

It's like people believing that because Bill Gates dropped out of university to become the world's richest man, it means that everyone who drops out of college can become Bill Gates. So many lazy and unsuccessful people seem to use anecdotes of geniuses (Gates, Zuckerberg, Musk) as proof that the rules don't apply to them either.

Do you know where they met?

My DH is covered in tattoos, head, neck, hands, arms the lot. Grew up on a council estate and still lived with his parents at the beginning of his army career.

20 years later, we own a successful business and deal with all sorts of people in life.

I don't think you can judge from a photo.

What a horrible judgemental person. I hope your DD is very happy and he treats her like a princess.

Keep your mouth shut, and be more subtle.

You know your kids, of course she can do better. There are ways to make her realise someone unemployed can't pay for his share of holidays, means no travelling, no going out, no weekend breaks, no parties really.

I am assuming she's young, when she should be making the most of her life. Gently encouraging her to travel/ have fun while she can - and he obviously can't keep, will work a lot better

Mm. Unless you've got your DD so conditioned she doesn't know the difference between her wishes and your will anymore, or so subordinate to you she has lost all ability to act autonomously, which is a serious issue in itself, I'd say you only have so many bites of that cherry before your luck runs out.
Most people do not rule their children with a rod of iron on pain of withdrawal of the relationship. Either because they love their child too much to follow through, or because the child is sufficiently mentally and emotionally robust to recognise the inherent abuse in this and break free.

This is why, for most people ultimatums are a very last resort, reserved for trying to avoid serious harm. Not something to be thrown around every time you see a neck tattoo.