Horrified by DD’s new boyfriend

Oh well if he has unemployment benefits then FANTASTIC, just what every mother wants her daughter to be supported by in life. Did you really try to use that as a positive in your argument 😂

Maybe he has savings? Maybe he is getting some unemployment benefits? We don’t know the full story!

OP, the people who are giving you hell and calling you judgemental most likely mix with the same calibre of people in their social circle, and don’t see anything alarming or unusual in your description of him.

People having lower standards for their daughter’s potential partners doesn’t make you a snob, based on that alone anyway. They say you can’t judge a book by its a cover, which I’m not entirely disputing of course there are always exceptions, but they also say a picture paints a thousand words. Remember, we have not seen the photo, the OP has. Photos can also give insight to individuals based on their facial expressions, demeanour, and how they choose to dress themselves.

I live in London and encounter a diverse mix of people from all walks of life daily. Social and life experience has taught me to spot someone ‘rough’ or ‘trouble’ a mile off. Just like when police release mugshots of individuals who have committed crimes and it’ll generate hundreds of comments along the lines of “You can tell he’s guilty”. (And yes most of these individuals fall into the demographic of; unemployed, no fixed address still with mum, heavily tattooed)

Don’t pretend we don’t all recognise it, or that you’re so much more open minded and enlightened than us who don’t defy what we see before our own eyes.

All that being said, we can all be wrong. Invite him over for an informal drink or dinner, and access his attitude to life and towards your daughter. Your gut will confirm.

(Yes I’m a bit of a snob and I don’t care 🙂)

Abusive boyfriends make whole families lives hell
And if you’ve got the life experience to be able to spot these red flags before your daughter does you are failing in your duty if you’re not the one to pointed out

Ah i see you now !

My god!

I see, it would be wonderful if they were with unemployed boy/girlfriends but actually they all are employed. 😂

Funny that, all the refugiees that arrived in my neck of the world and whose kids are at school with mine ARE employed somehow, mums and dads.

I know, because we helped and still help to arrange the wraparound care/ school runs for the kids, parents can't be in 2 places at once, and none of them has a car (yet).

I don't know any graduates unemployed either - many are still looking for the job they want, but they don't stay at home doing nothing in the meantime.

But ok, if you say so, if you are happy with your kids staying with unemployed people 😂

You don't know why someone is out of work, having a blanket "unemployment puts me off" just shows how rigid you are,

Fwiw my children are fine employed with employed spouses and their own homes and everything so my bar isn't that low.

so you expect the OP to finance the boyfriend? Or the daughter?

No, do tell us. One is unemployed with no income, so WHO is going to pay for them? If it's so funny, go on.

Yes. My Dad always 'knew better'. Said if I ever brought home a guy who wasn't white he'd 'break his neck and then mine'.

Safe to say 'home' wasn't where I lived past the age of 15 and now we haven't' spoken properly in years and not at all for the past 2.

Jokes on him anyway as I'm gay so bringing any 'guy' (white or otherwise) 'home' didn't and shan't ever happen. My Dad is a very wealthy landlord who grew up in a very 'naice' area, no (cries) council estate in sight.

If I were the OP I'd want to know more about him. Is he unemployed due to looking for work and studying? Or is he sitting around smoking weed all day spouting conspiracy theories? Is his tattoo of a swastika (that's how you spell it, PP who hates their children being real people) or is it an abstract design and he wants to open his own studio?

Invite him over.

No it's not. Who your adult child chooses to be with is their decision. You duty as a parent is to raise them well to knows their self worth & make good life decisions.

Someone unemployed with no ambition, no money and no interest in life

Wow that's a hell of a judgemental jump from a photo & knowing he's currently unemployed...like the vast majority of this years uni graduates & school leavers...

The number of graduates currently unemployed or working in temporary, minimum wage roles whilst they search for professional roles is extremely high. Being unemployed is no indication of character.

And what do you honestly think saying anything would achieve?

Fuck me. Mumsnet is nuts. 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Abusive parents often do bully their children into submission. That's true.

You know what’s really funny, I know of plenty of men with no tattoos, have good jobs, own their own homes and grew up in NAICE areas that are absolute ASSHOLES!…just saying…

wow, talk about low expectations for your children, how low can the bar go 😂

You’re uncertain of him so I would advise you to treat him as your future son in law and show him the love and courtesy you would show Prince Charming if DD brought him home - I say this in case your concerns are proven justified and he chooses to alienate your DD from her family. Don’t give him his lines “they never liked me” “they control you” etc etc. At least if you give him a fair chance and (within reason) the benefit of the doubt in future disagreements then your DD will be able to argue back with examples rather than doubting herself. I know someone who is now estranged from their family due to a manipulative DH but the difference is they presented as a Prince at first: clean cut, suited and booted - now she’s his slave.

If someone was 'horrified' by you based on a photo and your address, how would you feel? Presumably you can't possibly imagine anyone feeling that way, but I'm pretty sure plenty of people would be able to make some unpleasant judgements about you based on those things.

My house has a number, not a name.

I know people already make judgements about that, that's life 😂

Oh not unemployed the horror !

If she had ignored you what then? Would you have disowned her / your grandchildren?

he's unemployed. I don't need a photo to make a judgement about THAT.

Trust that you raised her well enough that she will see the light and dump him before tying herself to him permanently via marriage / kids.

I would not judge him based on where he lives there. He likely has little choice in that.

I also would advise if you do want to speak to your mind, at least meet him first. Judging him on the fact that he has tattoos and currently does not have a job (when you don't know the reasons) does seem more than a little shallow.