Adult ADHD diagnosis!

My reaction is that a diagnosis itself is less important that what someone does with that diagnosis. If they use that diagnosis to develop practical ways and means of supporting themselves through life, then that's absolutely brilliant and exactly what a diagnosis should lead to.

Ds (14) was diagnosed last year. It has opened up access to medication to help him focus better at school and hopefully reach his potential (he was tracking one or two grades below his minimum target grades). But it has also opened up conversations with him about the executive skills weaknesses he has, and some of the other strategies he can use to support himself to develop those skills. Things like timers, visual aids, phone reminders, apps to help keep him organised, breaking down bigger pieces of coursework into more manageable smaller chunks, ADHD friendly revision timetables, noise cancelling headphones etc.

On the contrary, dh refuses to seek a formal diagnosis (partly due to attitudes such as the first reply on this thread) but is beginning to recognise that accepting he likely has it will help him to better understand himself and his reactions, and manage in different ways. He has struggled immensely throughout life, suffers from anxiety (for which he has self medicated with alcohol, resulting in chronic pancreatitis) and depression, low self esteem etc. He's been employed his whole life, works hard and is an excellent husband and father. I just wish he hadn't suffered for so long thinking he just wasn't good enough. He's his own biggest critic.

I think it says more about how much ADHD was miss understood in the 90s than anything else. You would only hear of ADHD in relation to boys, and they had to be jumping off the walls. The focus was much more on dyslexia and more recently on autism. We are used to hearing more about adults (mostly women) who were masking as children and their autism wasn’t picked up on. Women are just starting to realise that they might have ADHD and aren’t just ditsy daydreamers.

Thank you for that thoughtful post. The reason I thought about this was a few years ago a friend was discussing her diagnosis and I recognised so much if what she was saying. She sent me some of her assessment questionnaires and I ticked a lot of boxes. I read them out to my husband, and he nodded away.

Then I went down a rabbit hole of ND web forums. On one, people were asked to share their latest hyper focus. People posted amazing art and crochet, intricate Lego models, etc. Then I got to thinking I'm not sure spending hours trying to get a high score on fruit merge really counts.

I obsess about computer games, particularly puzzle ones, but I'm not that good at them. I resort to walk through guides a lot.

I don't know, I just suppose I started to feel that there'd be something about me that would indicate something more going on beyond what those people who say, 'everyone's a little bit ADHD'.

I kind of wondered if I wasn't wanting to be less ordinary than I am. If I wanted a reason why I struggle to cope with stress at work to the point that I always prefer more hours at minimum wage than more stress for more money.

One of the posts further up talked about novelty, etc. I think I want novelty, but hate being in a position where I'm learning something new, because I don't pick things up quickly. It would be fine if, like the computer games, I could learn in private, without the quick people tutting, but it isn't at work. In the past, I have been known, where possible, to cover my deficiencies by simply putting in a shit ton more hours and not claiming the time back, just to hide the fact that it takes me twice as long as everyone else.

I don’t know where that poster has seen it but mumsnet mentioned it a while ago on site stuff on a thread complaining about the amount of anti ND posts.

My daughter has just been diagnosed, her psychiatrist who diagnosed CPTSD (for gynae trauma) picked up on it and forwarded her for an assessment. She’s been told there’s a 10 month waiting list for medication 🥴

All her life she’s been late, procrastinates, has lost so many keys and debit cards I’ve lost count. Thankfully she works for her dad currently so he understands why she’s sometimes late for work, he’s exactly the same and definitely has undiagnosed ADHD.

The women (bitches) that she works with sulk all fucking day if she’s 5/10!minutes late. My husband says it’s none of their business, I’ve explained to him they’ll assume she’s getting preferential treatment because daddy is her boss. I’ve advised him to have words with them that she makes the time back by staying on after they’ve gone and by law she has a disability and he is making reasonable adjustments for it. They are both dyslexic as well 🤦‍♀️, my daughter is worse than her dad so they’re working out ways to make it easier for her. Her cousin is so bad he had a scribe all the way through school.

It’s definitely hereditary in our family, the mother in law is 81 and horrendous, never on time, doesn’t understand the 24 hour clock, I could go on. I’ve known my hubby for 42 years and all the information we now have explains his behaviour, it’s only been due to our daughters diagnosis that the penny has dropped. It’s been bloody hard work for me organising these two humans, I’m not dyslexic nor ADHD, I’m very organised which I believe is why they do function to a degree, it’s exhausting though as I have M.S. It’s no joke for people with these traits, my daughter and husband would love to have my organising ability, I used to be a P.A before my illness. None of them get benefits because of these conditions, life is a lot more challenging for them though.

I have it too. I don’t talk about it much as it’s currently ‘flavour of the month’ which drives me mad I must admit. Like depression, and anxiety, before it, there are always people who will say they have it, or indeed do have it, but exaggerate things for effect. I did well at school and uni and am a director at work - it can be done but at huge cost health-wise at times (I was diagnosed as a menopausal woman - a growing area, sooo many undiagnosed women out there). I would say just ask your friend what you can do that helps her. There are different kinds, and different ‘strengths’ of ADHD - she will be fine in some areas of her life - excelling even - and really struggle in others. To anyone who is rude about it, either to her or you, I would love to tell them to just FO, you have no idea how fucking hard it can be. You may not be as rude, lol.
ps @theressomanytinafeysicouldbe, you sound very like me - never did the shower thing, but everything else is similar. I’m totally together at work to the complete detriment of my home life. I hope you get the help you need.

Have they? I haven’t seen that, do you know where I can find this please?

In answer to your questions I would think listening to your friend and asking how you can support them and being understanding of their difficulties is the best way to go.

Often ADHD people struggle with impulse control and anxiety and executive function. Suggest ways to help with that. My daughter struggles with planning meals and not giving in to impulse to order takeaways and that affects finances and weight. I will regularly offer meals to her to save her cooking/shopping etc. maybe you could do that or help your friend set up systems to help. Every ADHD person is different so it depends on where they have difficulties.

My word, you and I sound uncannily similar down to the sibling with AuDHD. As a child, I always felt that I must just be a bit thick and nothing more because I'm not as bad as my sibling. I masked like crazy and really struggled in silence at school particularly.

Like you, I had absolutely no issues with reading and spelling as a child. Fluent from as young as I can remember. Would rather read factual text books as a younger child than fictional age appropriate stuff. Now I don't read at all as my attention span is zero. It has to REALLY grab me quickly or I have to know the subject matter beforehand so that I engage quickly or it ain't happening!!

I am appalling at maths. Like really appalling. I looked forward to spelling tests at school. Dreaded maths tests. I would never pass a maths GCSE now, nor functional skills!

I get very sentimental about silly things too like childhood films. I'll watch them again as an adult simply for comfort. Films like Labyrinth.

My DD was reading almost before she could walk, reciting the alphabet before she was saying dog! But she was really quirky as a young child and all the signs were there, just as they were for me but for me, never recognised. I'm glad I've spotted it earlyish for her and hope that because of that, diagnosis or not, she can understand, accept and forgive herself and ultimately at the least, like herself more than I like me.

Assessment this Friday, 47 years of anxiety, doing things impulsively, being the weird kid, debt, alcohol dependence, randomly blurting out inappropriate/embarrassing things, over sharing, socially awkward, procrastination, changing my job every 3 years, starting things buying everything for it and going no further or not finishing. Constantly picking, scratching, biting the inside of my mouth. Needing a day after a social event, that I need to talk myself into attending and drink through it. Burnout. Showering and washing hair once a week because I can't bring myself to get in the shower, but actually like being clean. Wearing the same outfit over and over. Constant monologue in my head, it's never silent in there. I have 4 organisers at home and a calendar on the fridge, nothing in them. I have it all together at work and have a good job, but got here by accident because I did terrible in exams. Really good at quizzing. Doom scroller. I feel everyone's emotions, I can sense the shift in the room. Constantly looking for reassurance that I haven't upset people or said/done something wrong. The list goes on.

I want a diagnosis so I can understand that that is why I am the way I am, and im not going crazy, and get help and coaching in managing it.

You are a good friend.

My eldest daughter got a diagnosis of ADHD as an adult. My son in law also did but I think we knew he was ADHD because of him being unable to sit still and trying to do everything incredibly quickly and lack of impulse control. My daughter manifests differently as is often the case with women.

Honestly for her it was a relief to get a diagnosis and looking back on her difficulties as a teen many of the ways ADHD manifests in women made things clearer. She couldn’t understand why she felt so different to many of her peers and I couldn’t really understand her thinking as I am NT. She was an incredible perfectionist and very hard on herself and struggled to let things go when younger. She says her brain is always busy making sleep difficult and raises anxiety. Taking the medication has helped her enormously. She holds a responsible full time job so no benefits claimed so the poster who claims people get diagnosed to claim benefits is being disingenuous. Many get diagnosed to understand why their brains work the way they do and to get medicated for it as they struggle to focus otherwise. My daughter has made all sorts of changes to her work environment and now
works mainly from home to make focusing easier and has also had other work adjustments made like having meetings set in the morning as that is when her brain focuses best. Same with my son in law. So for both of them getting diagnosed was a good thing and I recognised it as such when first told and merely confirmed what I suspected.

And therein lies the difference.

You are confident that, if you worked harder and tried to be more organised, you wouldn't have a problem.

Some of us have this problem despite working hard and trying to be more organised. It isn't a lack of effort, whatever you might think.

I was diagnosed in 2016 so to some extent I've been shielded from this "jumping on a bandwagon" accusation since it was before the larger rush. I only had to wait 3 months for my appointment which I'm grateful for now.

In my experience, it feels absolutely huge when it first happens because it simply explains everything. Once someone has got to the point of a diagnosis of ADHD, particularly when it happens in adulthood, it often comes after several years, possibly even decades of self-flagellation, of searching for answers, of trying this self-help method or that anti-depressant or this new age approach or that unconventional diet or sleep schedule. We have often been searching for the answer to "Why am I like this? Why does nothing work? Why can't I stick with anything?" often since our teens or possibly longer.

I did become a bit obsessed with it and wanted to discuss it with everyone and in many ways I still retain a huge interest in the subject because it has given me back so much of the brain space I used to be using to try and either figure myself out, or "fix" myself and be like everyone else.

At the same time it isn't an instant fix for everything. So I can see that it might look from the outside like someone is going "Oh it's totally OK that I am moody/late/disorganised/etc because I have ADHD!" and not seeming to try and do anything about it.

The thing is I think that is a necessary first step. It's basically acceptance. Then comes a long long process of trying to work out how to live with it. Obviously medication is an option for many people and that can be very helpful. Education/knowledge has also been helpful for me and trying to find ways to work with my nature rather than against it.

Not going to list out everything that has changed in the last 9 years for me but as one example - I used to be constantly late for everything and eternally stressed about this and always running out of time for everything. I am usually on time for things now, and I'm much better at working out how many tasks I can fit into a certain time frame. However, I'm still very time blind, my time management skills are still poor, I rely almost entirely on external tools such as journey planners, maps, timers, calendar/diary, and everything takes me much longer than it seems to take other people and I still struggle with transitions between tasks so I can't fit as much in as other people seem to be able to do.

Hi. It’s ruined my life too. I used alcohol to feel normal. I might get a diagnosis and try medication. However, I’m 59 so have left it v late.
Havs you tried the medication and if so , doesit help?

It is different @SomethingInnocuousForNow

And someone with likely ADHD has totally kept those for over thirty years and knows where they can be located! Which goes to show how farcical it all is! (I don’t mean the diagnosis as such, more the process.)

@GreenGodiva
"I left school with zero GCSEs. At 19 I decided to go back to studying and it took me almost 16 years of part time study to get my degree and thena masters while juggling my kids and my home. I’ve never been able to hold down a job for more than 6/8 months due to massive burn out and huge depressive episodes. I was misdiagnosed bipolar and spent 4 years in 80mmg of quetiapine which left me with tardive dyskenisia and a desired sleep pattern." Your experience has very classic hallmarks of ADHD and you can see by the impact it's had on your life that your ADHD is a disability. I think it would be outrageous if anyone begrudged you your ADHD diagnosis.

Genuinely asking, what do you think of people who are diagnosed with ADHD late in life who gained all their A GCSEs, A levels, and first class degrees at the "correct" time, have held down the same good job since their early 20s, are happily married and have no drug addiction issues? I am very genuinely NOT* saying these people can never have ADHD or don't deserve a diagnosis, but I do understand why people look at them slightly differently to say people like yourself, or people in prison etc.

It's sort of how I feel when I see some autistic children who attend mainstream school, can talk read and write etc and I look at my non verbal autistic child, in nappies, who is screaming and flinging himself at cars. I don't want to invalidate the struggles of autistic children who are academically able etc, but something about it feels, I don't know, difficult.

I don’t want to dismiss you but I will say you certainly sound articulate and clever to me.

I can sympathise though as I am Bad At Maths as in, I am really really bad at maths, even very basic concepts. It’s a good thing I sat my GCSE in 1997 as I would never pass it now!

You wouldn’t get a diagnosis then. People use school reports where they don’t have people that can answer questions.

@ObelixtheGaul ugh, yes I really feel your post. God the thought of regurgitating how terrible and useless you are in the hope someone will tell you it's because of ADHD only told, nope you're just crap. Gah! Also why I ended up not seeking a diagnosis when I had the chance 4 years ago.

Same. I had no idea that other people didn’t have 30-40 “tabs” open in their brains at any given time, and meds let me focus on 10-15 of them for 8 hours a day rather then trying to juggle them all. I will sometimes take them at weekends to get stuff done, but my consultant likes me to have a regular break from them.

There is no one alive or available to give evidence (for want of a better word) in me in childhood.

Any doctor diagnosing me would be reliant on my memories and something I’ve come to realise is how unreliable our own memories can be.

My children seem unaffected but then they are only little so I don’t know.

I did have a few things going on: my brother was (is) so … difficult. I think this is why I see things from both sides; I know having autism and ADHD can be hellish and his life is so miserable but equally it can be awful for those living with it; not a popular view I know but truth.

I also was reading quite fluently by age three and everyone thought I was a genius but of course I’ve since discovered that that’s autism 😂 I definitely reached my peak early if you like; I was reading books for fifteen year olds age five but then reading books for ten year olds aged fifteen. Definitely didn’t want to grow up.

Parenting has been a massive challenge for me and it’s made me realise I am not patient or particularly nice a lot of the time. I have to mask with my children as otherwise they would be miserable! And the more you do something the easier it becomes I think.

The difference is that with ADHD, it isn't as simple as working harder and trying to be more organised. I never, ever managed to do that - despite trying very hard - until I had medication. That's how I improved my behaviours, which I think is pretty mature and self conscious.

Also, children with ADHD grow up into adults with ADHD, so what happens at the age of 18 to change everything?

Please don't let this stop you seeking a diagnosis.

I feel I shouldn't need to say this but ADHD and autism are not measures of intelligence.

They're really not. I know that it can be easy to think you have to have a particularly low or particularly high intelligence to fall into the categories for diagnostic criteria but it's about how you function day to day.

After my diagnosis, though over a year later, I was offered some post diagnostic support through OT. It's made so much difference that I cried that it had taken me so long and I'd judged myself so much before I finally bit the bullet.

That post diagnostic support wasn't wishy washy validating my crapness at stuff but it was genuine tailored support to help me get better at things and it's working.

I've gone from a huge bout of burnout, losing my job, having to rely on benefits, not being able to keep my bedroom tidy, having doom piles of things, bags, clothes, to still having a somewhat chaotic life but now I understand how my brain works I'm looking at starting my own business and working for myself where I control the input and output based on my own needs at the time.

If you've always been this way, and you feel it's stayed the same or is just getting worse, then don't let the fear of rejection stop you. See it as a box ticking exercise to knowing yourself better and stop applying moral value to how much you can output because thats not a true measure of your value.