Would you have reached this decision too? Feeling utterly rubbish

All of these people saying you should just be happy with the one you have and not break a family up are bonkers.

im 30 with one 3 year old and im almost desperate for a 2nd next year… it isn’t looking likely and besides other issues it was one of the reasons I no longer wanted to even try with her father because he was stopping me from having my other sibling for our daughter he was stopping me from creating the home life that I want so deeply. My daughters even asking for a sibling because she’s seeing aunties having babies friends at school got siblings.

you aren’t alone in this and the answer is you’re not being unreasonable and I couldn’t be with him either but make the decision on how you feel and do not go back on contraception. If he doesn’t want another he can wear a condom or go and get the snip. Why should you fill your body with hormones etc when you don’t really need or want to.

It would also make it near on impossible for him to move around the country. If you stay separated/split he will need your agreement to move away, or you could prevent it. If he did move the onus is on him to do all the travelling for contact too.

Your DP is sending really mixed messages. I’d not want to uproot and move away if he then decided against a 2nd, because that would make moving back so difficult and I’d not want to be with someone who moved the goalposts (see below).

My ex-h did similar. We had always agreed on 3 children. Mid way through TTC number 3 he changed his mind and refused to continue TTC. I’ve never fully got over it and it was a huge contributory factor in our split. I grieved for the ‘child that never was’, and struggled a lot when he went on to have a further two with his second wife, by which time I was too old and still single.

I wish you all the best with what you decide to do.

I think he’s met someone

You say there is plenty of family money. I’d look at donor sperm too if you could afford a bit of help.

Yeah tough shit. Bullshit he wants 3 or 4, the autumn plan is realistic, and if he thinks it’s not then he needs to suck it up for failing to plan through AGAIN. So is needing a bigger house for a second baby when you have 4 bedrooms. I see where you’re coming from, he’s lied for too long.

What else are they for? When they dilly dally and string women along until their late 30s they leave their partner no choice.

Can you freeze your eggs? Create an embryo? I'm not saying it's a golden bullet but even the suggestion might work. It's the card I played when my DH didn't seem to be on the same timeline as me. He thought it was "pointless" as we were planning to have children anyway so agreed to TTC when I wanted to.

She has compromised and she has communicated. They have had these conversations for some time. Her partner is not keeping to what he agreed and is not saying why.

To me it reads like he doesn't want a baby and is messing you around until it is too late to have one. I also think your relationship is likely over. If you have a baby with him and he doesn't actually want one, he will resent it and that will break you up. If you decide to wait and follow his timeline, you may well end up with no baby and you will never forgive him for that, and that will break you up. I guess the thing to do would be 1. to have a completely honest and open conversation about this with him and lay it on the line that you are about to walk if he doesn't get on with it, not next spring, not the summer, but now. So does he want one or not? 2. If he tries to put it off, procrastinates etc., break up and go to a sperm bank.

I am willing to bet that the timing would never have been ‘right’ to have a child (according to him) if you hadn’t had an unplanned pregnancy. It’s wonderful that you have your DC but I suspect that you would have realised what you now know about him much sooner if you hadn’t become pregnant when you did.

I would assume he doesn't want another child. At 38 I'd be expecting anyone who really wanted a baby to get cracking ASAP, not dither around. Most women I know who had babies around that age either had IVF or it took several years to conceive.

What would he do if you came off your contraception?

Tell him that you are no longer on any form of contraception and are ready to try for baby number 2 as agreed.

I think his answer/action to this would tell you all you need to know

He may find you clinical or just doesn't like being pressured?
But have you brought out the the big guns? Which are -

1. He has duty to breed. Tell him he is the last of the great white hope (if applicable). White population in UK is in decline. My father in law (Arab ) had 18, yes eighteen children. And DP is pussy footing about 2? Not good enough.

I agree with you OP. Time isn’t fully on your side with having another baby and it is beyond cruel to postpone or dilly dally about it. He either wants another baby or he doesn’t , what difference will another year make to him? I’d feel the exact same as you.

When someone's words and actions don't line up look at the actions.

His not sure is a no, his delay is a no. When it comes to having a child, my opinion is: anything other than an enthusiastic yes, is a no.

He doesn't want the consequences of saying no. He won't be honest because if he is, he will lose the lovely life you both have together.

The relationship is over because of his the lack of honesty.

I am gulty of only skimming OP's posts.

What happens if you try to get him turned on to have sex? He doesn't sound into you any more, OP.

OP, I put a high price on integrity. His words are saying one thing and his actions another.

If it were me, I'd be moving on from the relationship, and considering having another child through other option (such as donar sperm).

I think you are doing the right thing, and I think you're very brave to face facts head on. He is an avoidant type. If you hadn't had DS accidentally he would still be future faking about having a family at all, while your fertility was circling the drain. I bet there are other things he's avoidant about too. Things you plan together than never seem to happen. Things that only happen because you provide all the impetus. I was with someone like this for far too long and I regret not leaving the relationship earlier. You have the financial resources I lacked so I think you would really regret staying. It sounds like the scales have fallen from your eyes about how you're being treated. Good for you.

I don't think that your partner is deliberately messing you around. It sounds like he thinks he needs to be in the perfect circumstances to have a child. Like he can only cope with one "thing" at a time. His job might move so that has thrown him off and he feels he can't deal with a child with that uncertainty.

You have said that your first child wasn't planned so he never committed to that decision before either.

I think you need to make it crystal clear to him that there will never be a perfect time and he is now risking losing his family. If he can't stop dithering you will leave him. Make sure he knows that and factors it into his decision making.

I think you have to tell him the thoughts you are having and allow him to convince you otherwise if that’s really what he wants. Be prepared to walk away but if he gets your serious about a separation then he will need to start thinking about things like not being able to relocate at all if he wants to live near DS.

You’re a perfect example of what PP says in relation to underestimating the impact on your son. What if his dad now does move, will you also move? Or will he face growing up miles away from his dad which - admittedly - would be his dad’s choosing, but your family circumstances have led to it. And he’ll now have two homes, shuttling between you, which is never a cakewalk for children even in the best of circumstances. I work with children of separated parents and can tell you that it’s a trauma - of varying levels, but never not one.

I don't think your decision is unreasonable at all. Ultimately you feel he's been dishonest with you about something that is incredibly important to you and that's not a minor thing.

"For some reason, this weekend I suddenly felt something switch in me. I felt totally strung alone. He knew I came off contraception in August ready to TTC and agreed with this, though has made various excuses not to have sex since then."

That switch in your head - it's like a one-way valve. There's really no going back, it's like getting the ick - how you view that person changes. Forever.

"I don’t want to be with someone who has done this to me, who keeps moving the goalposts and messes with my head by suggesting I haven’t planned things properly with him when I’ve done exactly that. I have said I want to end things. If don’t meet someone in time for another child then I will hopefully find someone who properly respects me and my body. I feel sure about my decision but also utterly rubbish about it too. Would you have done the same?"

Yes, I would have done the same. Your trust in him has gone. Once it happens, however you describe it - the switch being flicked, the ick, the scales falling from your eyes, a moment of clarity - it's done, the relationship is over. The decision makes itself and leaves you to attend to the practicalities of moving out and moving on. Best wishes @Thisissundae.

I'm sorry OP, but that's just not true. The consequences of breaking up the family home run deeper than the practical aspects. Your son will form his view of relationships and family values from his experience, there is an emotional cost to his sense of stability and moving between two homes, having less (weekend) time with each of you and missing the other parent, feeling split loyalties, the introduction of step parents, etc.

Seperation may be the best option for lots of families, but this sounds more like a moment to "pause and reflect" rather than jump into separating.

As a lot of your partner's reasons seem to be linked to job security and/or finances, I wonder whether you both have a very different experience of financial security. While you might be satisfied that finances aren't an issue, it is very hard for someone who has grown up without financial security to let go of those concerns even when they're objectively well-off. Of course it's also possible that his reasons are false and something else is going on.

I have huge sympathy for you OP, as the biological pull to have another child is strong particularly at this age. But you really need to both try to understand each other before making any final decisions.

No sex since August and that didn't set off any alarm bells?