Fed up of ‘sexual’ dynamic between DP and my friend

If people were enjoying having wild great sex with multiple people, they'd be off doing it rather than drunkenly haranguing "friends" about the mechanics of pegging. She wouldn't be my friend any more and I'd be getting a bit of ick about dp too - first of all because I personally don't like the idea of pegging and it doesnt sound like you do either, I'd like it even less if he nagged about it and I would seriously dislike the fact that he told your friend.

It doesn’t. It’s just that most of Mumsnet seems to use the term wrongly. It doesn’t mean what the OP seems to think it does.

Woman like this are looking to have sex with your husband. Been there. One girl told me in front on my husband that she liked her pulled and to be spanked. Another bitch who I thought was my best friend at one time told us both how she had monkey sex with her husband. This is to put thoughts in your husband mind. She’s not your friend. It might be too late but lose her fast even if it is. She’s garbage

Last that law down with both of them. Tell your friend to be as sex positive when anyone she likes but not your partner. Tell your partner the same. But..., what will you do if they ignore you?

Tell him if he talks about your sex life with anyone else in future he will not be having sex with you or in the foreseeable future.

I would be so cross about this from both of them, really unacceptable and embarrassing.

I think she fancies him.She could be Bi .Its inappropriate to make sexual remarks and talk about your sex life which is private between the two of you .They both sound shaky TBH. You deserve better .Look for a new BF and "friend"

i could throw multiple psychological guesses here… she secretly thinks you’re a bit of a mouse and she enjoys playing hopscotch with the boundary line that would be the norm to most… rinse and repeat the same attitude but it’s how she perceives him… she fancies u and wants to give u the ick from him and swoop in somehow… she enjoys the power she holds over ur dh and it may well be a psychological thrill for her to dominate him mentally and she’s translating that into delusional intrusion, maybe it’s a fantasy for her to do something so taboo when it comes to her usual sexuality. Maybe she’s heard he’s online looking for hookups of that nature and she thinks she’s helping prevent straying. Any and all of the above are not ok for both of u though and would be resolved a lot better by shocking her big mouth into silence and tell her to shut the fuck up.

I knew it would be that!

I actually think what’s going on here isn’t really about “sex-positivity” at all — it’s about power.

Your friend has used “openness” as a way to embarrass you and centre herself. By bringing up a sex act you’ve said you’re not into, in front of your DP, she’s not being liberated—she’s being dominant. She’s showing off that she knows private details about your sex life, and then using that knowledge to make you the prudish one. It’s a humiliation play disguised as banter.

And your DP joining in with sexual chat about things you don’t want to do, with your friend — is also crossing a line. It’s a quiet betrayal of confidence, and it puts him on “her team” rather than yours.

What’s dressed up here as “sex-positivity” is actually a kind of social hierarchy. She gets to be the worldly, enlightened one; you get cast as the repressed one. He gets to look cool for engaging in it. It’s the same old dynamic, just wrapped in modern language.

So no, you’re not being unreasonable. You’re spotting a power play that’s hiding under a progressive label. You’d be well within your rights to have a calm but firm conversation with both of them about boundaries, and about not making your private life into public entertainment.

I’m a bisexual woman and generally pretty relaxed about sexual talk, but this isn’t that.

I'd be wary. Why is he bringing up your sexual conversations? Agree with this comment. She's no friend.

Ah. She's an 'old friend'.

Old friends are not always good friends. And sometimes they're really no longer friends at all.

There are always exceptions to every rule and it doesn’t mean that she wouldn’t shagging whether she was into him or not just Lord over you

Sometimes men feel they have to be nice to/get on with their partners' friends (women might too, but often seem better with boundaries, for many reasons), and are scared to tell them where to go when they're totally inappropriate. In a similar situation (this was a "friend" touching my boyfriend's bum) I asked how he'd feel if I was too close to his friends. He admitted he wouldn't like it and that he was wrong. I gave him that one chance, and he was fine after that (we broke up because of something completely different, but got to be honest that he was fine that way).
For me, I'd do this with the pair of them, say clearly you're not ok with x, and if they bring it up again/speak to each other about private stuff, then they don't respect you, and if either one goes against something you've been clear you're uncomfortable with, tell them where to go.

He needs pulling up about it, but I think you might consider cutting them both loose.

Neither can be trusted anymore.

I tend to think people who show off about their sex lives, sexual adventurousness and suchlike are insecure. With men, they're trying to boost their 'masculinity'. Women, as a PP says, are performing a 'pick-me'. They feel the only interesting thing about them is the holes in their body, so they have to tell everyone what they do with them. It's a million miles from quiet confidence, isn't it.

So your friend's a bit of a sad sack and an embarrassment. Your DP, though? Giving other people details of your sexual activities is already a huge loyalty fail, not to mention cheesy and desperate. Doing it behind your back's a betrayal.

Your friend overstepped again by urging you to do a sex act you've already said no to. It's none of her business, obviously, and a friend doesn't make it her business. But if she hadn't said anything to you, you still wouldn't know you're with a man who goes around telling people he's dissatisfied with your sex life and is desperate to be shagged up the arse!

What to do about this depends heavily on your circumstances and the general tone of your relationship. I'd certainly be reading him a big riot act and making discretion non-negotiable from here on. And I sure as hell wouldn't be pegging him.

There’s being open about sex and then there’s just being inappropriate.

Is she your friend or DH’s?

I would text her and tell her that it was completely inappropriate for her to bring up sex and what you and DH do or don’t do is none of her business and you’re going to need some space from her.

Your DH shouldn’t have spoke to her about it but honestly she sounds awful and I wouldn’t want to be friends with someone like this.

Who does she think she is!

….and vulgar…..and pathetically attention seeking. Bleurrgh.

She sounds like a dog in a manger.

I imagine he has some fantasy where he turns her straight 🙄. Or maybe something to do with you two of you. There's something not right here. He's moaning to your friend that you won't do pegging. Its crossing all sorts of lines.

I imagine he has some fantasy where he turns her straight 🙄. Or maybe something to do with you two of you. There's something not right here. He's moaning to your friend that you won't do pegging. Its crossing all sorts of lines.

Your friend knows a lot about pegging and men's sexuality for a lesbian Op. She's not being a good friend and he's being a very poor DH, tell the pair of them that a marriage and your sex life is supposed to be between two people, not a topic for anyone whose passing

Sounds like one of those friends who just gets drunk, then acts and speaks inappropriately, but people give her a pass because she just ‘says it how it is’. I’d really give her a wide berth. People like this are just attention seekers who are best ignored.

Both of them.

I would tell your ‘friend’ that your sex life is none of her business, it was wildly inappropriate to say what she said and in a public environment, and you really don’t appreciate it.

And tell your DP to grow up, show some respect, stop giving himself a frisson by discussing his fantasies with your lesbian friend and if he ever EVER breathes a word about your sex life to anyone ever again he won’t have a sex life. Or the body parts to have one with.

I would be incandescent. Where’s your anger?

Shit stirrer with a peg literally 🤣