Angry at DH for sleeping in every day and ignoring chores

From his behaviour, he’s not interested in family life and wants to live as a single man. And won’t go to counselling. Is this the life you want ?

Break the Xbox then maybe he’ll have time for the therapy

Yeah exactly, before kids I never did chores before work, it was have a shower and get ready and then out the door! Maybe I'd unstack the dishwasher but that would be it.

Now I do have kids it's the same, we get ourselves and kids ready for school and nursery and out the door! Chores are done after work and at weekends.

I agree with others. What chores need doing in the morning (except for the odd emergency perhaps)? Apart from that, he's obviously a lazy sod and I'd stop waking him up in the morning. Let his boss give him a massive kick up the backside when he's constantly late. Unfortunately though I don't think he's going to change and you sound incompatible anyway. This is a very common story after a baby comes along. Babies rarely improve men's behaviour.

I think he needs to do the chores but I also think you need to talk this through. Does he really need to do them at a time of your choosing, ie the morning? Some people have more energy in the evening. But you need to make a plan and work together on this.

It’s not clear from your post how many chores you want him to do each morning so I can’t tell if you’re being unreasonable with this bit or not. Is it emptying the dishwasher or spending an hour or more on chores? You say he’s always struggled with mornings so just because you want to get everything done then may not be fair. But he does need to do his share, just maybe not so much before work? Obviously when you go back to work and you all need to be out the door at a certain time the morning plan will need to change again to be fair to you both.

Stop waking him up for a start, that’s not your problem if he’s late and it’s stress you don’t need.
”chores” could be done in the evening instead of playing games, so you are left with a reasonably tidy house in the morning.
He could also be doing things like bathtime in the evenings to give you a break, and I would expect him to be getting up with DS one weekend morning so you can catch up on some sleep.
Also I think it’s time for an ultimatum- he does family therapy or you leave

If he is an owl which clearly he is then getting him up in the morning to do chores is likely to be a hiding to nothing.

are you bf or bottle feeding? If bottle feeding he can be responsible for the baby once you have gone to bed until 2am or so and then you take over from then.

we did a “split shift” night system like this and it worked very well for us.

if you do want to keep him rather than dump him then try allocating him responsibilities that fit with his natural routine and/or rebound on him.

so eg he does the dinner and washing up (owl) you put the washing on in the morning.

or separate out laundry and he does his own. Etc etc.

He isn't ready for family life and will pull you under the bus , plus he's right, it's not OK talking to strangers about personal stuff. You are adult and manage yourself, he has to wake up, stop playing video games and start living like a man. We won't be able to help you on this one, any change must come from within him

Unfortunately, not helpful, but ladies really need to start using their brains to think with (nothing else) and put themselves first.
Only marry/have kids if YOU feel it's going to significantly improve your life.
If not, don't bother.

I agree, chores before work is a bit much. I don't even do any chores before work. It's too much, do chores before work then go work a 8 hour day. After work, chores is more reasonable.

sorry but what @Bobiverse said…

He should do chores after work, I don't even do chores in the morning and I work full time. And, shock - a woman! There are some mornings I dread waking up early to go to work, add chores to that it's miserable.

Does he do chores after work, OP? If not, then he definitely needs to his share!

Do you plan on going back to work?

There is a difference between being young and enjoying being childfree and simply being lazy and irresponsible with no interest in helping with the home. You can usually tell. The OP knew. She had a kid with him anyway.
It’s his fault; he is the dickhead. But OP can’t change him so she needs to figure out what to do for her life, and I’d suggest correcting the error she made when she chose him.

What time are you expecting him to get up? Is it just you want him to get up when your child is up, as I agree he's a father and so should share the load in the morning with regard to childcare so you can both get up and showered ready for day.

But if you are expecting him to get up early to do chores before work I find that a bit unreasonable. What chores need to be done before work? Are you also working or are you on leave? If you are not working why can't you do the chores during the day? Before kids did you do chores before work? Why now?
Maybe your husband would prefer getting chores done after work or at weekends?

It isn't 'helping'. It's doing his share.

Agree with others about not enabling him by waking him up and just doing everything for him like you are parenting him too. Drop the rope.

My husband and I had a rough time after children arrived and I left him for a bit. He improved and we are still married - he does 50% of drops offs and bedtimes. He has his ‘jobs’ and is pretty good at churning laundry and making dinners. He isn’t perfect and still has to be asked to do some thing but he then does them without me nagging. Took him a bit to cop on but we are both motivated to stay married and be happy as a family. He is a gamer too but he hardly ever plays now. We do have expectations of each other and we are kind to each other too.

If he doesn’t get the message then you have an answer, even if it is a difficult one. I wish you all the very best OP.

I can’t believe there are votes for YABU because you are absolutely not.

but as someone earlier said - his refusal to attend the therapy appointment says so much - he doesn’t really care, probably because he doesn’t think there’a anything really wrong.

how much are you prepared to take?

I would stop waking him up for a start. Don't enable him. He needs to take responsibility if he is late and accept the consequences. Use the time to do a few chores.

How far are you prepared to take this? He is not going to change. You either find other ways of managing your marriage and life (cleaners, ready meals, lower standards) or you leave.

Stop waking him up and see what happens!
Focus on your babies needs and let him fend for himself.

Withdraw your labour completely. Don't wake him in the morning, cook for him, clean for him or do anything that benefits him at all and tell him that if he doesn't attend therapy and start sharing the load then you're done. And mean it. If you're struggling now, it will be a lot worse when you go back to work

The other alternative is to just let things stay as they are, but for heaven's sake, don't have any more kids with him

Then you got lucky - apparently OP’s partner has no interest in doing this.

What would you have done if your husband never stepped up, would you have spent your life nagging him to change? That’s not much of a relationshio is it?

What @Bobiverse said, word for word.
He was never going to miraculously change once you had a baby.

He should be helping especially after work. What time does he get up for work?

I hate this "you chose the wrong man". Before kids DH and I would leave laundry until we'd ran out of clothes. We would go boozing regularly, we'd have ready made meals and take aways- neither of us knew how to cook. We'd stay up late and we'd have massive lie ins at the weekend. Shockingly we both stepped up when we had kids.